Visit every fortnight (for groceries) - back is bad should I say no weekend?

  • 65 Replies
  • 3135 Views
*

p123

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 754
It feels really weird and a bit terrifying at first. Saying very little however, works a thousand times better than the detailed explanations we’ve been conditioned into giving them. But you have to say it firmly,  then repeat it.

You have to just say you’ve got an  appointment or a commitment or just ‘plans’.
If he asks you what plans you just say oh, ‘this and that’.  If he asks again, repeat like a broken record, ‘ this and that’. My dad gives up after he’s asked three times. I thought he would rage at me when I first tried this. Nope.
You can also say  ‘ sorry, essential errands to run’ or just say ‘ that time/ day won’t work for me’. 
Etc
If he expresses disappointment, acknowledge his feelings, all the while repeating your decision of NO.

As in ‘ I can understand how you might feel that way, but that’s my decision dad/ I won’t be driving you/ I won’t be seeing you then. ‘
Then talk about something else to close it down.
If he returns to it, say  firmly that you are not going back to that topic. Keep saying that. Say, ‘That discussion is ended.’
It’s really really hard at first but using  techniques like these and seeing them work is empowering and protecting too of course.

Yeh I've got to keep at it. I've tried "doing things with X". Im getting there slowly.

If I phone him, he ALWAYS asks what I've been doing that day (if its a sunday) because hes looking for info. Occasionally, he'll say "thought you would have popped in today" or "its been a nice day and I've been stuck in so thought you could have taken me out". Guilt attack. I just say "been busy".

In the past, before he got like this, I did just used to pop in at random if I was in the area. No more.

The ultimate is "I've been ill" and then "I've had to call the doctor out". Ummm so. Past experience has shown there nothing wrong with you.  Again, guilt trip "you need to check on me".

His ultimate was when I was away in Florida (he wasnt happy it was 3 weeks). He expected a phone call EVERY day. I said no its too difficult with time difference etc. and I'm not using my mobile when I'm out because its expensive. (It wasn't - get a THREE sim card for use in USA and its cheap). Anyway, first phone call - "I've been ill had to get the doctor, now don't worry I'm ok". I worried about 0.4 seconds. Of course, scam to get me to call him every day. 5 days later when I called him "where've you been?" Eh? In florida with my kids Dad. He wanted to know what time we left, what time we got home so he could work out if there was a timeslot I could have called him every day.



*

p123

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 754
Well I did his bet on the horses for him online last Saturday. 5 mins of my time. Sorted.....

You can almost guess whats come this week? Hes taken a few days to think about it mind.

"Oh I don't know, you see people getting into debt betting on the internet, so not sure if I want to support that?" What its like saying, people are alcoholics so I'm never going into a bar!

"Its too much hassle to read the bets out over the phone" Arrgghhh not as much hassle as me driving 50 miles round trip, taking up almost 2 hours of my time matey!

So bottom line, "I don't think I'll bother again, if you can't come on Saturdays or your brother can't come to pop down the betting shop for me  I'll just have to miss out which will be a pity". You could almost hear the sad violins playing in the background. Hes not yet worked out I'm Out of the FOG (on this sort of thing at least). From now on its present a solution that works for me. if its a no then do without. No more doing pointless tasks for the sake of it.

I just said "OK up to you" - speak to you sunday then....... He wont be happy.

Hes not happy anyway. Keeps asking me how my back is - I know full well that its my "fitness to serve" that hes interested in rather than my well being in general. Asked me - "So you are coming up this weekend?" I was there last weekend. Hes fighting back strongly against my two week rule. It is Xmas as well, I am busy, but no allowance from Dad with that one.

Once again "No Im busy".

*

NumbLotus

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 313
Man, you are hitting this out of the park.

Has your wife noticed?

I notice he likes to use the term "pop in" or "pop by" - which implies a very quick and easy stop on the way to something else you were doing. A 50 mile round trip isn't "popping by" but he sures likes to downplay that.
Every sailor knows that the sea
Is a friend made enemy
Every shipwrecked soul knows what it is
To live without intimacy

*

p123

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 754
Man, you are hitting this out of the park.

Has your wife noticed?

I notice he likes to use the term "pop in" or "pop by" - which implies a very quick and easy stop on the way to something else you were doing. A 50 mile round trip isn't "popping by" but he sures likes to downplay that.

To be honest, my wife and I don't discuss any more. We've both agreed that his antics had to end and that I had to put the kids first - fair enough. Shes put up with it for hers - so I try not to tell her what hes up to these days because she gets so annoyed.

YES. "Pop in". As I've said before, sure he thinks I'm sitting there doing nothing all weekend thinking "nah cant be bothered". And Im sure he thinks I can detour from anywhere to "pop in". Hence the "10 mile Dad exclusion zone". Never admit to being within 10 miles or a visit is mandatory.

A visit pretty much takes up 2 hours of my time minimum. When my wife is working at the weekend (a lot) it means my 6 year old has to pretty much sit in the car/sit in his house for this time (remember he completely ignores her anyway). Shes a little angel but its boring for her. He doesnt care.

*

NumbLotus

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 313
Can't blame your wife for not wanting the details anymore. Great that you can vent here instead.

I do hope that down the road - and it may take a while - that she might notice the changes in you. She might at some point notice that you go less often and are there for your FOC more, that you've reduced or eliminated "emergency" trips and stick with planned trips on your schedule, that you are less stressed on holidays and family trips, that you are not sucked into the drama as much, that your confidence is growing.

And even if she doesn't notice, well, others have!
Every sailor knows that the sea
Is a friend made enemy
Every shipwrecked soul knows what it is
To live without intimacy

*

p123

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 754
Can't blame your wife for not wanting the details anymore. Great that you can vent here instead.

I do hope that down the road - and it may take a while - that she might notice the changes in you. She might at some point notice that you go less often and are there for your FOC more, that you've reduced or eliminated "emergency" trips and stick with planned trips on your schedule, that you are less stressed on holidays and family trips, that you are not sucked into the drama as much, that your confidence is growing.

And even if she doesn't notice, well, others have!

Oh shes noticed of course. I'm still married :-)