Kids and sick days

[Peaceforme]

Hi everyone!

I usually post over in the "in-law" category related to my mother and father-in-law, but I popped over here to ask a question about my ex-sister in law (used to be married to Nbil). They are divorced with three kids. Two of their kids have health issues. Nothing crazy,  but it causes them to miss a lot of school and have a lot of doctor appointments.
My bil and ex-sis in law share custody but she has primary decision making as it relates to healthcare. She had to do this because he sticks his head in the sand and won't deal with the kids health issues appropriately.
So fast forward a few years and she is struggling to hold down a job because of the number of sick days she has to deal with kids. Any time she asks him for help he says he's too busy or can't come and she is stuck handling all doctors appts and days at home with sick kids.
Some of it can be handled by a babysitter or by her mother but a lot of it is just "sick kids with poor immune systems" and the illnesses are contagious - meaning no one will help her. For some perspective: one of them has missed 13 days so far this school, the other 9 days, and the third one who is generally healthy has been out 1. So she's had to call in sick like 16 days since August and she's about to lose her job again. He will fight tooth and nail about everything so she's trying to figure out if it's worth going to court and paying the money. Is there any way to really enforce stuff when you can't control when it happens? What do other people do?
Thanks!
Has anyone had any luck sorting this stuff out?

[Penny Lane]

Hi Peaceforme,
This is a really tough situation and I'm sorry about it.

My experience is with my H and his pdxw. They have 50/50 parenting time. But she considers her job much more important than his, and it's really a struggle to get her to stay home with the kids. Often her "staying home" with them means bringing them into the office with her. She often tries to get H to take on the responsibility for her. And she has occasionally taken the kids to school when they have a fever or other sickness.

Here's the thing: She's in an impossible situation and he is never going to change, never going to accommodate her. So my advice to her would be to assess her options and figure out what is the long-term least bad situation.

I would offer that her getting fired from a string of jobs, that is not the good for the kids. Neither is them going to school when they're sick or staying home alone when they're too young.

Here are my practical suggestions, with the caveat that I realize none of these might work and it's more like brainstorming:
-- Try to find an alternate care provider who will take the kids when they're sick. Our local hospital used to do something like this. Although it was extremely expensive, it was cheaper than being unemployed.
-- Try to find a job where working from home is common
-- Explore options for letting the kids stay at home. What would they need to be safe? Could she leave them with a cell phone or install a $10 a month landline? (Obviously this depends on age, younger kids can't stay home no matter what). Maybe a neighbor can check on them every couple hours and call her if something is wrong?
-- See if she can take them to work with her?

My overall advice would be, try really hard to accept the situation for what it is, rather than wishing for what could be. The best, most easy solution for everyone is that her kids' father takes some responsibility. Unfortunately, that's not within her control. If she lets go of the idea that he might step up and do what's needed, she can focus her energy on finding solutions that 1. get the kids the care they need and 2. won't lead to her getting fired.

If you could help her out by watching the kids every once in awhile, that would be a real kindness. But I assume you would've mentioned if you're willing and able to do that.

My heart goes out to her, she's in a tough spot and she's going to have to choose between two bad options.

[D.Dan]

This is actually VERY similar to my working options.

I'm going through a divorce from a PD who doesn't understand or care about the needs of our children. My family and his family are not capable of dealing with our kids needs And many are pwPDs. A regular babysitter does not have the proper training needed to care for my kids and deal with their needs.

My kids are severely autistic, non-verbal (they usually use gestures to communicate their needs), still wearing diapers and unable to clean themselves, unaware of safety, elopement (they run off into the boonies or across busy streets the second nobody's looking), very picky and messy eaters (I make special homemade bread products, jam-packed with as much nutrients as I can shove in without losing texture or flavour, otherwise they refuse to eat), they also have a somewhat weaker immune system than neurotypical kids and catch everything, behavioural issues (they will become aggressive to others or self injurious, when agitated/having a meltdown).

So I don't have very many options for childcare if I want to work. I want to work because work will provide more funds to put towards my children's care and needs but like your ex-sis in law, my childcare options are extremely low. I explored all my possible options.

-stay at home job (in my case, my kids still need my attention should they be home, and will get into my work stuff)
-hire professionally trained child minder, (there's a shortage right now in my city, and my kids are required to be toilet trained to even hire anyone)
-daycare? (Again, being toilet trained required)
-overnight work? (I had to be realistic about this, I'll still need a professional in case my kids woke up during the night and I'll need at least 6-7 hours of sleep per day to maintain my sanity)
-or social assistance... (I grew up on welfare so I actually don't want to do this)

In my case, I decided to wait until my kids are able to be watched safely and comfortably (for both parties) before I can return to the workforce. I'll keep my eyes and ears open for opportunities that fit my life situation but I had to accept that I'm too "on call" to maintain a job and still take care of my kids the way they need me to.

I chose to go on social assistance.

I'm afraid i don't have any advice other than to brainstorm as many possible options, figure out pros and cons and ask around about other child care  or job possibilities (I found a lot of useful information is usually withheld until it's asked for, it was assumed that ALL the parents of special needs kids knew about EVERYTHING the government offered, except we don't unless someone tells us! So ask everyone doctors, social workers, school personel, agencies, anyone connected to jobs or kids!)

[Peaceforme]

Thanks everyone! Yeah, she's looking into all of that. It is basically an issue of him not understanding or caring about the needs of the children. She makes just above minimum wage but with his child support it puts her over the threshold for welfare support. She has applied for food stamps though. I'm hoping that will help. Such a hard situation.