Boyfriend's ex wife

[NumbLotus]

I don't know anything but maybe the best response to last minute childcare changes is for BF to be 100% THRILLED. Like, more than just accommodating but actively talking about how it was PERFECT that he got to see Son tonight, what a great time they had, etc.

[Penny Lane]

Haha, yes, that would definitely make the mom not want to ever offer a change again. I guess it depends on what your goal is.

My reasoning for this is based on my own experience. When I met my now-husband, his ex wife would ask him to take the kids constantly but she would attach all sorts of strings to it. Like, you can have the kids but you can't do xyz (where xyz = basically anything they like. Sometimes even stuff like take them to a park!). Or she would offer for him to have the kids and then withdraw the offer at the last minute, so he had already canceled his other plans and then also didn't have the kids. Sometimes she would offer for him to have the kids and then drop them off and tell him he "had" to take them to some (expensive, time consuming) activity she had promised them. And he would always bend over backwards because he so badly wanted to spend that time with the kids. BUT IMO that time wasn't good parenting time because he was so stressed and everything was last minute and rushed. And often the kids were exhausted/unprepared for whatever the activity was at hand. AND I always had the suspicion that BM would demand activities that she knew the kids didn't really want to do. So those times were unpleasant for everyone.

This all came to a head one time that he and I had booked tickets to go out of town. She asked him to watch the kids that night. He said Ok, but that he was going to take them on the out of town trip (in which case I wouldn't have gone), since the hotel was already booked. BM said no, you can't take the kids out of town. He said, OK well let me know by X date if you change your mind, otherwise you'll need to get a sitter because I won't be around. IIRC what ended up happening was that the kids were with him in the morning, he went to drop them off so we could leave town, BM WASN'T AT HER OWN HOUSE LIKE SHE SAID SHE WOULD BE so he had to drive around the city to find her. It was terrible. And I won't lie, him setting that boundary did lead to him having the kids less during her parenting time because she offers it less. BUT - when the kids are with him, he's engaged, BM isn't infringing on that time with her demands or her stress. They know in advance whose house they're going to be at. And he's not constantly canceling all his other plans to accommodate BM's schedule - I really do think he's a happier person and better parent because of that. I think overall the situation now is much better for the kids.

So I could be way off base - maybe the last minute changes aren't causing that many problems and the boundary doesn't need to be set. I think what it really comes down to is how comfortable is the son with the last minute schedule changes and how it's impacting the boyfriend's overall stress level/mental health.

[Christy22]

Hello everyone. Thank you for the replies.  We have therapy tomorrow.  We have been keeping the lines of communication open between us.  I know he is in a rough spot and have told him that I am here to support him. 

Like some of you have said, I am trying to handle this with goodwill and acuity; as I will use the knowledge all the posters have given me to make my decisions.   

"I don't know anything but maybe the best response to last minute childcare changes is for BF to be 100% THRILLED. Like, more than just accommodating but actively talking about how it was PERFECT that he got to see Son tonight, what a great time they had, etc." This is what he is doing with his son (And has done since we have been dating) Lately she has not been doing this as my BF has taken him every time.  He recently offered to take his son more (To which the offer was denied).

I will keep you posted. 

[hhaw]

It felt lovely to read your bf lights up when the exPD surprises him with more parenting time.  Just lovely.

I'm not surprised the PD is resisting the requested extra parenting time.  That's sort of the way these things work, IME.

The PDs don't want to give you anything you want.  They don't want to take anything from you if you're giving it..... they'd rather take it from you.  Taking things away from you, through the courts, is often something they threaten.

If you bf wants more parenting time he might try demanding his ex NOT request he take his son during her parenting time, EVER. 

When I was frightened my stbx would harm my children, bc he was threatening it and going for full custody, I did what my attorney suggested.....  I packed little overnight bags, and began asking the stbx to take the girls, then 3 and 5yo.  That was the end of his taking the kids EVER for visits, and the one time he tried to take them to a water park he brought the youngest back 15 minutes after leaving the house.  He didn't really want the kids.  He wanted to terrorize and control me through the children. 

Terrorizing people through their children is the most power anyone can wield over us when they've lost their ability to terrorize us through relationship, IME.

Sometime I think the kids GET IT.  They'd call the PD parent on it if that paren'ts love wasn't a conditional thing.  Kids need their parent's love. 

Your bf's son seems to know his father will always love him, no matter what.  That means he'll push boundaries and lash out at bf, IME.   It's not fair.  It's terrible unjust, but it's the way your bf's life will likely go. At least for a while.  Maybe forever.   

And it's very hard.

[athene1399]

He freaked out saying, "you can't have a girlfriend, break up with her now call her now, you're affecting my life!"

Could be that ex is different since your b/f is with you and DS is picking up on that. From everything you've said, it looks like the ex is trying really hard to sabotage your relationship. Maybe DS is seeing this and some of the ex's behavior is affecting him. I don't know if there's anything you can do to help that situation.

I think it's good you've eased off and decided not to hang out with DS. I also think it's awesome that you are fine with the ex asking b/f for more parenting time. I bet she was hoping he'd say no so she can turn around to DS and say, "see. I told you dad doesn't mean it that you come first," but when b/f said he'd gladly take the extra time she got mad because it wasn't the reaction she wanted IMO. But keep it up because it shows DS that dad puts him first. In these situations, I've found that actions speak louder than words. Words can cause arguments. But doing is proving IMO. Like b/f is proving that his son comes first by accepting the extra parenting time and not cancelling his plans with DS when ex says she can take him for more time (on NYE).

Maybe with the Saturday night thing, maybe b/f can ask DS to think back to every Saturday since they've had a visitation schedule so he can think back and realize that he has always been dropped off at mom's on Saturday night, and that b/f doesn't drop him off just to hang out with you. That's just how the schedule is. Even if DS doesn't answer when b/f asks him to think back to before you were the g/f to remember what happened Saturday night, he'll still be thinking about it. He'll start connecting the dots.

I hope T goes well. it is a frustrating situation becasue you cannot control what the ex does or says, you can only accept that you cannot control her actions. And it is so heartbreaking to see the effect it has on the kids. I did go through a span of time where I felt really guilty becasue when BM found out SO had a g/f (me), she filed for custody and the whole court process was just ugly. What BM did/said to SD during that time was bad. I had to remind myself even though I made BM feel vulnerable and she acted the way she did, I didn't cause her to act like that. She chose to act like that and it was on her and not me. But it was hard to watch some of it play out, knowing the effect BM's behavior had on SD. Honestly, it made me sick to my stomach. A therapist can be really helpful in working through those emotions of guilt, helplessness, frustration, ect.

[Christy22]

Hello again!!!   Thank you for your replies.  I am so glad I found this site as all of you are informative. 

BF just called me because this morning his son was playing with a gift I purchased and said he likes the gift but doesn't like the fact that I bought it.  He then began demanding that BF call me right now to break up with me. He said that if BF doesn't break up with me he will never see him (Son) again. 

Son said that my BF said bad things about mom's BF, he told mom's BF which hurt his feelings and that is why they are no longer together.  BF told him it was not his fault that his mom and her BF broke up.  Son said he knew it wasn't his fault but he was "one of the reasons."

Son said his mom told him (son) that he does not follow through with his threats but he will follow through with this one if BF doesn't break up with me asap.  BF tried to redirect him and dropped him off at his mom's house.  We are both at work and he is really worried.  I told him we need to be low key, keep our lives private and maybe he should take my last name out of his phone.  I also gave him the advice about asking son if he knows what a GF is...Anyway we  have therapy later today...

[Penny Lane]

Oh no, what a sad development.

Let us know how therapy goes (if you want) and what they said!

I have some more suggestions, this time about strategies your bf could use when approaching the son's statements.

First of all, the son does not get to decide whether he comes to dad's house. The mom does not get to decide whether the son comes to dad's house. If the mom refuses to send the son out, bf calls the police. If he treats it like the son has an option about whether to see him, that sets the precedent that the son is in control. That is waaaaay too much responsibility to give to a child. It's not good for the kid to have that - deep down they don't really want to make those decisions and if given that power they will act out.

Can he just lay off the girlfriend talk? Like what if he just called you his friend? Same as Stepping Lightly I don't think now-H and I made a big deal out of I AM HIS GIRLFRIEND, it was just like "oh here is my friend we're going to hang out with her today." And then when they got to know me it was like "Okay Penny Lane is coming over today." Maybe the cat is already out of the bag but it sounds like the word girlfriend is upsetting him but none of his dad's actual behaviors are.

More broadly: One good thing to keep in your back pocket is to ask them questions about what they think/have observed. For example, with the Saturdays. "Do you remember before I met (Christy)? When did I drop you off at your mom's house back then?" (The answer is Saturdays). "What makes you think that the schedule is because of Christy?" etc. And only once you get their critical thinking going, THEN, if they're receptive, you can fill in the gaps with information that you have that they don't have. "Just so you know, your mom and I made this schedule when we split up. And once we agreed to the schedule it became the rules. Your mom and I both have to follow the rules. So I have to drop you off at her house on Saturdays. Even though I would love to spend Saturday nights with you, I'm not allowed to. And it wouldn't be fair to your mom because I agreed that she would get to spend Saturday nights with you. If she ever offers to let you stay here on a Saturday, I would love for you to stay."

Validating their feelings is key here. There's a really good book called Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex: What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You. It has a whole chapter on what to do when the other parent is sending poisonous messages about you. And one of the key things they suggest is to focus on the underlying FEELINGS rather than the message. I think the son in this case is feeling abandoned. He started feeling abandoned because his mom was going to move away. But then those feelings transferred to your bf (with lots of help from the mom) totally unfairly. So focusing on ways to reassure him that he's loved, that his dad isn't going anywhere etc - that will get everyone through this. The attitude they suggest is "my poor child is hurting and this is tearing them apart and I have to help them get through it" - even as the child is screaming and calling you names and saying they hate you or whatever.

My therapist suggested to me something that kind of changed my life. She said, you can't change how the ex acts but you can help the kids become more resilient. In the short term that meant things like, make sure the kids can feed and bathe themselves when their mom is passed out. But long term I've taken that to mean too, making themselves resilient against their mom's emotional attacks. To us that has meant helping them develop critical thinking, helping them see the possibilities of how to respond and setting a good example when they see us responding to her.

These are all kind of longer-term things. I hope the therapist has a suggestion for the immediate crisis of the son threatening to never see bf again. That is really scary stuff! It kills me that the mom is trying to get back at your boyfriend by doing all this stuff - but the person who it's hurting most is the son.

[Christy22]

Thank you Penny Lane!

Therapy time soon OMG...We did tell his son we were friends and his ex started the whole GF thing.  She told him that his dad was a liar and that I am really a GF.  We were advised by some ppl and his therapist to be truthful.  So this is where we are at.  BF doesn't know how to respond when his son starts demanding that he breaks up with me.  One time he said, "I am not going to do that," and this morning he tried to redirect him but it wasn't working really well.  Thank you for the book suggestion!

Therapy is in two hours.  Can't wait, I'll keep y'all posted..

[Stepping lightly]

Oh boy!  Poor kiddo!

Make sure your BF is documenting ALL of this, it's parental alienation and it's horrible for a mother to do to her own child.

I agree with PL, BF needs to make sure it is understood that custody time is non-negotiable.  He needs to gently put the framework in place of what things are optional and what things are not optional.  It is not son's or xw's decision for BF to break up with you.  It is BF's decision, and there is absolutely no reason that we on here are aware of for him to do that.  BF may want to explain to son that "Christy is kind to both of us, we have fun when she is around.  There is no reason to be hurtful to Christy, we don't treat people we care about badly in this house".

[Penny Lane]

Yeah, that's really awful on her part. She's purposely upsetting her own child so much that he is raging and throwing tantrums! Awful, awful.

But also - what SL said reminds me of one strategy that we like to use that is surprisingly successful. It might help with the son's "I'm never going to see you again."

Rather than telling the kids what they can and can't do, we direct their attention to their options. Usually it's like, instead of saying "in 10 minutes you need to do your homework" you say "do you want to do your homework now or take a 10 minute break and then do your homework?"

But in this case: The son doesn't have an option about whether his dad dates you, and he doesn't have an option about custody time. What does he have an option about?

Do you want to have a special father son night on Friday? What do you want to do on that night? It sounds like he has a great degree of control over whether he sees you or not (and he's choosing not) ... frame that to him as a choice! Do you want to spend time with Christy and her kids, or hang out just the two of us? Think of all the control the son CAN exercise in this scenario, and let him exercise it.

Also, we have been trying lately to teach the kids that their upset feelings are okay, and they can express them. But there are inappropriate ways to express anger or sadness or whatever. And that we expect them to be respectful to us, to each other and to everyone else - and there will be consequences if they don't. That might be a bit much right now. But something to think about in the future.

[Christy22]

Hello everyone!!  We met with the therapist yesterday.  It was a great session!!!

The therapist commended the fact that we have decided to let his son gradually get accustomed to me being in his dad's life and that nothing is going to change (We are not going to move away like his mom was) but it is a BAD IDEA to hide me (BF was thinking of hiding my Xmas gifts I had purchased for them, not having me call him when son is around, not talk about me at all).

Therapist told BF not to lie to his son, if son asks if where are you going tonight?  he is to be told that he is going out (to dinner, movie etc.) with me.  Therapist also told him to explain the Saturday night issue (It was the same advice the posters had given).  Therapist recommended when son starts his "Break up with her right now" rhetoric, BF can say "Son, this is our time to hang out together.  Christy has nothing to do with our time together so I would rather spend it talking about all the things we can do instead of wasting time talking about Christy."

The therapist voiced fear that BF is that he is going to continue to allow ex and son to run his life.  Therapist told BF that he needs to stand up to ex and his son (His son came home from school the other day and demanded to know why BF's car was moved in the driveway and "WHO DID YOU HAVE OVER HERE????"

We also discussed how I feel that BF takes out his frustration about the ex on me but allows her to walk all over him.  The Therapist was able to gently make BF aware of how that makes me feel that he needs to set boundaries with his ex.  Therapist explained that his ex is never going to change; as BF needs to change his reactions to her. 

The therapist brought up a lot of things to BF that all the posters have been saying.  The therapist asked BF, "IF you know how your ex is WHY do you believe things she says?" (As he was on the fence of believing her when she said that their son's bad behavior because of me) BF was shocked that therapist asked him that (As I NEVER brought that up).  He looked at me and asked if therapist and I talked on the phone prior to the session! 

Thank you for all of your advice.  I really appreciate it.  I'm sure there will be more to come! 

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Christy,

I'm so glad therapy went well!!  Sounds like you both got a lot out of it.  DH and I went to therapy for awhile, working to navigate the PD quagmire.  It really helps having someone on the outside of the situation that understands PDs provide feedback and guidance. 

[Penny Lane]

Oh man we dealt with a LOT of this early on in my relationship:

We also discussed how I feel that BF takes out his frustration about the ex on me but allows her to walk all over him.  The Therapist was able to gently make BF aware of how that makes me feel that he needs to set boundaries with his ex.  Therapist explained that his ex is never going to change; as BF needs to change his reactions to her. 

The therapist brought up a lot of things to BF that all the posters have been saying.  The therapist asked BF, "IF you know how your ex is WHY do you believe things she says?" (As he was on the fence of believing her when she said that their son's bad behavior because of me) BF was shocked that therapist asked him that (As I NEVER brought that up).  He looked at me and asked if therapist and I talked on the phone prior to the session! 

I'm very glad I was patient and we worked through it. But you are much smarter than me to involve a therapist at this stage!

I remember my now-husband casually referring to the fact that his ex's prior relationships had all been with abusers. And I was like "how do you know that? Just because she told you?" And it was like a lightbulb went off. I was like, "You know she probably says the exact same thing about you, right?"

I do think that and other revelations like it helped DH realize that his ex was not a reliable narrator when it came to the children and their needs. It's just a hard transition to make, from being married to someone (and being forced to buy into their worldview or suffer abuse) to treating them like somewhat of an enemy, at least to the degree that you can't trust or believe anything they say.

I wish I had set more boundaries at the beginning around how he treated me as she was walking all over him. We got to the right place eventually, but it was rough for awhile. Now we approach it as a team - but I was not ready to do that with a guy I just met and his ex-wife. And I wish I had honored those feelings more and carved out more space for myself. Just something to consider.

[Christy22]

Thanks Penny Lane!

BF does not treat me terrible; it just sickens me that he tends to believe everything his ex says and sometimes will cater to her (Although he's been better at not falling into the traps with her lately).  He always tells me how ugly, fat and stupid he is (Because she told him throughout their marriage and still tells him such). 

I have told him that he is not ugly and he is not fat.  I bring up the fact of how he decided to change careers and go back to school (Which she pooh-poohed), he became an intern at a company, was hired full time and after a year of working there he is practically running that office.  I told him that one doesn't get that far that fast if they are "stupid." 

Another problem is that he will complain about his ex but not do anything about it.  As I posted before, his son will come home and see BF's car is not in the same place it was when he was last over there and will demand "WHO DID YOU HAVE OVER HERE????"   Therapist stated to him to ignore son and to stop letting son/ex run his life. 

The other morning (Both our kids were with exes) I stayed over his house.  We were leaving for work and he began panicking talking about how he needed to move his car or his son would ask who was over the house.  I said, "The therapist told you to ignore him."   BF agreed; yet moved his car to the other spot shortly after I left.   I did not criticize him for moving the car; as he needs to work on that with his therapist, as in therapy I said I wanted him to communicate and he said he wants me to understand that he is trying to deal with his ex and son but it takes time. 

His son was over tonight and we discussed earlier how BF would deal with his son if he starts his "Break up with her" jargon.  He texted me before bedtime and told me that son was arguing with him for over and hour after he got home (He did not say what they argued about but I am sure I was part of the conversation).  BF stated he was able to get son settled down when son asked if he could have some cocoa in BF's new mug I bought for Christmas!!!  He said yes and son drank out of the mug that I bought!   

I won't know the whole story of what happened tonight, I will find out tomorrow how his weekend went. I will keep y'all informed!  BTW I bought that book you recommended.  On an unrelated note...How do I modify my account so I can post a picture to my name?

[Christy22]

I forgot one more thing, I'm looking for some more advice.  My BF's parents live 2000 miles away and came to visit over the summer.  BF invited us on an outing at the county fair with him, his son and his family (His family hasn't visited in over ten years as they didn't get along with his ex and they are getting older, so BF wanted us to meet).

His son was good, we all had fun and all got along.  Son purchased some items at the fair for me and my kids, which we thanked him and showed him how appreciative we were. 

After son went back to his moms, he came back to BF and began complaining to BF that when the family came to visit is was "He and his dad's time to spend with THEIR family and we (Me and my kids) had no right being there, that his time with THEIR family was ruined because of us." (I know that came from her but BF doesn't know how to deal with this, as son is now bringing the summer trip up all the time). 

My friend who is a therapist suggested BF say: "They are my family too and I have a right to invite my friends along with my family if I choose to do so." 

In regards to son telling BF "You don't need a girlfriend, you don't need Christy, break up with her right now!" She suggested BF saying: "I have a friend in my life and I enjoy hanging out with her when you are spending time with your mom." 

Any thoughts or suggestions?  Thanks!

[hhaw]

C:

Your BF needs to tell his son everyone will be OK.  Things are going to be different bc of the divorce, but everyone will be fine.

Dad's going to date and have new friends, just like mom dates and has new friends.  It's not going to change the way dad and mom feel about ds. 

It seems like DS would benefit from having his father ask why ds feels as he does about the gf issue. In family therapy the therapist had me repeat back what my dd said.... exactly repeat back, so she felt heard and understood.  It's easier for people to listen IF they feel heard.

BF could reassure son and perhaps ds would bring up some of her truth around his feelings/agemda.  Maybe ds is ipset and confused about his mother's insistence, but doesn't know what to do about it.... perhaps he's frightened and doesn't believe his mother will be OK if you're in the picture.

In any case, ds has his jobs.... school, chores, discovering his passion, and the adults have their jobs.  DS shouldn't have to worry about the adults in his life.  DS should have permission to ignore conversations about things he's not supposed to worry about.... things that aren;'t his to worry about, like who mom and dad are dating, etc.

Healthy boundaries and enforcing boundaries should be taught to this child.

[Penny Lane]

Christy,
We had a VERY similar situation. We were planing on visiting family but for some reason BM was mad about it? I forget why or if there even was a reason.  DSS came back FURIOUS. He had agreed, in fact BEGGED to go on this trip. He comes back from his mom's house and he's all of a sudden furious that he's being "forced" to go on this trip (after tickets were already booked). That was one of the closest we've ever come to DSS just fully being engulfed in his mother's manipulations, and it was very scary.

I'll say at the start: In the very, very long term it worked out. But in the short term, it was really tough on all of us.

DH sat with him for quite a bit of time and worked with him/validated his feelings. I sat with him for probably an hour after that, just listening to him sob and yell at us. For my part it was a lot of me being like "do you remember asking us to go on this trip?" and him saying "well I didn't want to go THIS WEEKEND" and me saying "did you tell us that?" and him going "you should have KNOWN!" It was awful, I was so sad for him but also so frustrated at the situation.

Interestingly, this was right around the same time as a somewhat grueling trip they took to see BM's friends, who don't have kids. Unlike our trip, their trip didn't involve any other kids or really any playing at all. It involved some pretty long travel days and missing school. Many, many of the things DSS said about our trip ("you never give me any say in what trips we take") seemed to apply a lot more to HER trip than to ours. Projection? Her trying to redirect the kids' frustration onto us?

In the end we told him, "Look, we're going to visit with family but we're also going to help them do some stuff that they need help with. Our values are that we help our family when they need us. We will take your wants into account, which we did because you said you wanted to do this, but the adults ultimately make the decision. And so we're going."

We went, and he had a super good time, and yet he spent the next several months trotting out how mad he was that we forced him to do this basically whenever he was already frustrated. My goal was to express sympathy for his feelings but ask him whether he had fun and if he remembered why we went.

Later, MUCH later, we had a couple sort of breakthroughs where he identified that his mom had lied to him, and then pretty soon after he identified that she had purposely gotten him mad at his dad. Since then we have not heard about that particular trip.

So I guess my takeaway would be, listen to his feelings and validate them for as long as you can handle it without showing frustration. Ask thinking questions like, "I'm surprised that you're saying this because during the day in question you (specific thing the son did to show he was having a good time.)" Maybe ask how he'd want to handle it in the future. And then you take a break, you essentially say "agree to disagree" and you move on to something else. Repeat as often as necessary. Our experience was that DSS got kind of "stuck" on this particular issue and it wasn't ever going to lead to a breakthrough. But our efforts of encouraging his critical thinking, listening to his feelings and just the overall stability he has here did lead him to that breakthrough, just focused on other things.

No one issue is a make or break, it's a culmination of every interaction, you know? So hopefully they can get through this and your BF can work with his son on critical thinking, managing his emotions, moderating his reactions to stress. And once that's been going on awhile he might look back on this instance with different eyes.

[Christy22]

Thank you. As I already posted XW and her MM were to move 1500 miles away and she relinquished all parenting duties and told BF to stop paying CS. BF took their son full time, never got CS (She had their son like 2 days a week), they never went to court but the conversation is all on email.

MM went back to his wife. BF still has their son full time.

XW told BF on December 5 that she wants their son back and CS. He told her he is willing to pay CS, but he would like to go back to court. She said "Ok, I'll call (Lawyer that they used on D, she convinced him to use same lawyer). He said he wanted his own lawyer and she got angry with him and told him to **&^ off.   Around that time she demanded he break up with me, citing that our relationship is affecting their son.  Mind you I have not been around their son since August of 2019, although kids went to his Bday party in September (I didn't stay long, dropped off/picked up/said happy bday).  My daughter bought him an Xmas gift that I gave to my BF but she has not seen their son either. 

XW just served him last week. He is going to a lawyer this week. So the fun begins!!!!

BF's therapist told him that we and the all of the kids should start meeting up (For mini golf, lunch, ect.) to have his son get used to me and realize what a good relationship is but we have decided that I and my kids are to stay away until after the court stuff...

[hhaw]

Main message to son....

Your parents are both OK, we'll always be OK, you don't have to worry about adults, bc it's the job of the adults to worry about their stuff. 

YOU, as a child,  have your own jobs.... good grades, activities, chores, friends and discovering your passions.  THAT'S IT.  Those are your jobs. You have permission to ignore adults who forget the rules and make sad choices to involve you in adult stuff.  Don't be mean, but know you don't have to solve adult problems.  It's not allowed and the Judge reminded both mom and dad about those rules. 

Sometimes kids and adults make sad choices.  If an adult involves a child in their business, that's a sad choice.  Whether it's a mom or a dad or a grandma or an uncle.... it's wrong and the child needs to remember what his jobs are.   Children don't have time or energy to solve adult jobs, or think about them.  Children don't need to worry about anything but their own jobs, even if they can't SAY that to all the adults in their life....it's the truth and the Judge is telling all the adults to follow these important rules.

Sometimes people make sad choices, adults and children alike.  It's important to know what the rules are, do our best to follow them, bc they're part of living a healthy happy life, but it's also important to SEE when others are having trouble with the rules so we know what it looks like and can go back to taking care of OUR jobs.  That's an important lesson for everyone in life, son.   Sometimes people make lots of sad choices, but it's our job to focus on OUR jobs, do our best and know we aren't responsible ever for other people.  Children are NEVER EVER responsible for adult jobs.

Whatever way you guys phrase it, there should be tsunamis of compassion expressed for the Biomom.  Conversation shouldn't point out all her failings and flaws.  General examples can be given when son brings up problems BM created, but goal is to get son to SEE what healthy boundaries are, put some in place and recognize when adults are making "sad choices."

DS should know all adults will be OK.  That's the primary message. 

Have big fun doing weekend father things... I hope that goes well for you.  Maybe do some research on teaching healthy boundaries to kids... maybe there's great examples to share and ways to help limit the lessons so things don't backfire on you.  Lots of ways things can go sideways.  Having a plan is a good idea.  Including the T is a good idea. 

Asking kids what they think is powerful. 
TELLING them what to believe is often not helpful.

Inviting kids to share...
inviting them to come up with their own opinions...
inviting them to be honest.......
that's where the magic happens, IME.

[Christy22]

Thanks for your replies.

BF met with his attorney. His attorney is going to request a mediation with XW and bring up the fact that XW's boyfriend moved in two months after he moved out of the marital home and her BF moved out five times in the span of 4 ½ years. He has the information in regards to the Department of Children and Families file against her but is going to use it for leverage. (If things get out of hand he will be requesting Guardian at Litem for their son).

It appears she has fallen upon financial difficulties and cannot afford to live in the marital home (Although its all paid for WTH) and is talking about moving her elderly parents in with her for help with finances/babysitting.

BF's attorney advised him that he may have to pay CS because even though she relinquished all parenting duties to him and they agreed that he was to no longer to pay child support, the court document was violated. His lawyer said he may owe CS, but they can re-calculate what he owes because:
XW was court ordered/Divorce Decree to give BF $20,000 from a retirement fund that she never paid.

BF was laid off and still paid her the full amount of CS. He was still laid off when she relinquished all parenting duties to him. He since then obtained a part time internship and was hired full time shortly after.

BF advised his attorney that he is currently dating someone and that XW sabotaged his previous relationship and has tried to destroy ours (The lawyer said our relationship is irrelevant and only if SHE BRINGS IT UP, he will stop her and reiterate our relationship has nothing to do with their custody/co-parenting issues).

BF is doing everything he can to show his son that he is loved and is important to him.  His son's behavior has been improving while in BF's care.