Is it just abuse?

[tommom]

I am having one of those 'things' that I need to just ask...I know...it doesn't matter because it doesn't work in your life... but I can't get rid of it.

My pdH has tendencies- or maybe is - sociopathic, I say that from Martha Stout's book "The Sociopath Next Door". My H is the second example in the book but without a child involved. He just sits around all day (I think sometimes he's just waiting for food to drop in his mouth ). He finally is working 3 hours a day after several years. (I think it helps him stave off depression, more than anything, so I'm glad. He comes home and talks about the conversations, etc, of his co-workers - lots of supply there. And he's out of the house, yea for me!) Other than that he plays on the internet, eats, goes to the store with me (I fell and truly hurt my back and am having trouble driving, walking, carrying anything....I will be so glad to get it taken care of!)

It is a war to get him just help around the house in the smallest way. (Just one small example: there has been a tree fallen on a small part of our driveway and part of two, plus more debris, in our yard for two weeks. His solution about the one on the drive is to drive on the grass. And yes, he went and bought ANOTHER bow saw, (most of the branches are fairly small) but hasn't used it. He refuses to do laundry - big battle over that one. He does NOT handle any kind of house projects.) Many of us have met someone like him or sadly, I have read many here who are married to someone like him.

So finally the question: do you think it is more a PD thing or is it actually a conscious form of abuse (as in a desire to injure or a very egregious boundary violation....or maybe both?) He is certainly NPD, so lots of entitlement, but that seems to counter things like actually buying equipment to take care of it . (We are loaded down with project "equipment". Almost all is unused, some of it for years and years.)

Any input??

[Andeza]

The equipment may actually be a hoarding type of thing. Just because piles of it aren't falling on you in your sleep in the middle of the night doesn't mean it's not.... overboard.

While some of these may be just unhealthy habits, or other comorbidities like depression, etc., this behavior at its core sounds disordered. I like the word disordered, because it can apply to anything outside the realm of "normal" although even normal is subject to conjecture. For example, an outside observer may consider me to be a "normal" person, but they're not in my head. Where, as far as I understand it, the thought processes are not typical. I just fake well.

Is it a Pd thing or is it conscious abuse? The two are not mutually exclusive. On the PD parent forum (my usual haunt, but I divert now and then to share if I think it may help here) we discuss how pwPDs frequently have a switch. Throw the switch and they're suddenly on the best of behavior and look like stellar, upstanding individuals instead of the abusive parents they are. This belies the fact that they know perfectly how unacceptable their behavior behind closed doors actually is.

I hope you get well soon, and take good care of yourself. I have little confidence he will.

[Starboard Song]

So finally the question: do you think it is more a PD thing or is it actually a conscious form of abuse?

I've seen this question arise in many different forms. At its heart, I think it comes down to this: is the PD in some way innocent, or are they morally culpable for what they do? It is a very reasonable question to ask, but I don't think -- on inspection -- the answer changes much.

But to answer you briefly: abuse is abuse. Whether your H is "guilty" of anything, to me, is quite beside the point. At our very best, we arrange appropriate boundaries that allow us to thrive. And we absolutely do not tolerate long-term abuse that does not allow us to thrive. So what is abuse? For our purposes, I don't think the other person's state of mind or culpability matters.

My example is this.

You are walking down the sidewalk when a large van is spotted: racing at high speed and careening down the sidewalk towards you. It matters not a whit whether the driver is a terrorist bent on your destruction or an old man suffering from a medical emergency. What matters is that you will predicatably suffer if you do not react, and that there are steps that will reliable increases your chance of survival.

Thinking this way reduces -- for me -- feelings of anger and desires for revenge or vindication. It makes me see that my boundaries, and the exclusion of two people from my life, is not a hostile act: it is an act of love that preserves the ability of my family to thrive. I have taken the world as I found it. If I were told by any number of doctors that my MIL is entirely innocent, totally incapable of acting better, that makes no more difference than would a person telling me not to worry, the old man behind the wheel of that van is only having a heart attack with his foot on the gas pedal.

There are exceptions: many folks are supporting an elderly person suffering from dementia, for instance, and I encourage them to steel themselves and sally forth. I don't know what disciplined way I can separate the two. I really don't. I suppose the difference is whether the PD absolutely requires your assistance.

So much good strength to you.

[tommom]

Thank you. Starboard Song, excellent analogy. I have so much invested in this "relationship" I need to hear often that it isn't one. It is exploitative, no matter the reason.

And good call Andeza. If you hung out on this particular forum, you might know I often say that my husband IS a hoarder. Full blown.

[1footouttadefog]

A lot of times people, even normal peeole will reduce stress over tasks by buying something related to completing the task. 

Take exercise equiptment for example the purchase can make seem like you have started.  Buying a salad spinner can be the start of a diet.

Hoarding is a whole mess of emotiinal baggage in itself, bit some hoarders are not abusive to those aroumd them so its not necessarily directly connected. 

In the end, if you are being abused you are in an abusive relationship despite the other persons motives or emotions.
My pdH is a limp on a chair type these days. He does virtually nothing all day most days.  I still am mot sure wuat the issue is. 

It is his issue.  I no longer feel guilt buying tools and such that cost money because I do the work and repairs and save us thousands on hiring it out.

I then feel no guilt taking a day trip or a weekend away to rest and relax.