I feel like I gave up a piece of me

[marilyn13]

I feel like I gave up a piece of me this morning.
I moved to WA for her, after a year of long distance. I found us an apartment, gave up my  job, all of my friends, to be  with her. She's in the army, so I had to choose somewhere near the base. This made it so that I had very few options.
She moved everything into the apartment with me.
Three months after we were living together, she ended a fight by putting a knife up to her wrist and telling me that 'she would do it if I wanted her to'. She started making fun of me when I didn't want to be intimate with her. Telling me 'I could never keep up' and  I'm 'a prude'. I asked her to stop. She decided that I wasn't having sex with her because I was cheating on her (even though I spent every moment with her when I wasn't at work). Our relationship became very co-dependent. We tried going to  couples therapy, I asked her to move  out. She did.

I broke up with her in August.
I told her I still  loved her at the beginning of  October.
I texted her this morning, after talking to her every  single day  since she left for training, that I can't do  it again.
I love her but I can't  do it again.

As much as I want to be with her,
as much as I'm holding onto the idea of 'us'
i can't  go through the emotional roller coaster again. I don't want to pull a knife out of any ones hands ever again.
I don't want to worry about anyone's safety.

I've been crying all morning. I so desperately wanted her to be my one. I gave up everything for her.
But I can't  give up myself again.
I know I made the right decision
But  it still feels so wrong

[Penny Lane]

I'm sorry you're going through this. You are not alone.



It's so hard. I know. But I truly believe that her absence from your life will leave room for others who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

[Boat Babe]

Hey Marilyn. Breakups are hard at the best of times (best being two emotionally healthy people who agree to part because it is no longer working for one or both partners) When it's separating from a disordered person, so much more gets thrown into the mix.  Trauma bonds are very very strong. There is also the argument that we are addicted to the ups of the relationship. And we also end up having to face our own co-dependancy and everything that goes along with that.
So ..... Deep breath and make a start on your own healing. Get your life back together again. Ramp up the self care and maybe get some external support.

Sending hugs from a fellow survivor and now thriver.