Should I go?

[Adria]

My cousin, the only one who has stuck by my side all these years has been in an accident and is paralyzed and on life support. Don't know if he is going to make it. Doesn't look good.

Now I'm thinking about if there  is a funeral. I want to go so bad because he was always there for me when no one else was, but you all know the drill. Been outed by my family for nearly three decades.  The pain of never getting closure for anyone I've loved is almost unbearable.  I'm thinking of just sucking it up and going.  The other thing is, i wrote a book about my story and I think most of them have read it.  It wasn't mean, but truthful, and not all the truth because that would have been too much.  I don't know if I even care. I might just go because that's what I want to do.  Anyway, what are they gonna do . . . not talk to me?    Dh seems to think if they read the book, they might have seen the light as to why our family was always the weird one, and that they would welcome me with open arms.  I don't know about that. But, at this point and time in my life, I don't know if I even care. I just want to be there. 

What do you think? Is it too risky with all the smear campaigns? I've been deemed the crazy stupid one. Will I be sorry I spent the money on airfare to go?   I guess the biggest burn is, my girlfriend from high school who worms her way into everyone's life (who I just found out was a flying monkey)  will be there trying to take my place with the family, and then she will call me to tell me how she saw all my cousins, and how they went out afterwards, etc., etc.  Man this sucks every which way possible.  I have missed out on so much and feel so incredibly alone especially during times like this.

[moglow]

Go to your cousin, whether now or ... After. Tell him you love and have missed him, and everything else you've wanted to say. Say goodbye and ease both your heart.

Don't let other people or fears of what they might say or do hold you back any longer. I think you'd have far more regrets not going than their possible responses when you do.

What they choose to do is not your stuff. That doesn't speak for or change you in any way. You have to do right by yourself first.

Wishing you peace as you work through this. We're here with you.

[scapegoatnumerouno]

I agree with Moglow go..at some point.  Might be after but go for you and your cousin.  I think that if anyone at the funeral may ruin your healing there then I say dont give them the chance and go by yourself after.  For sure go, you have a strong need to.

[Adria]

Thank you so much Moglow and Blueheart,

Your kinds and encouraging words have given me so much peace and strength during this struggle.  I think I will be going.  After all, there's nothing more to lose

[moglow]

I think it's important we all make our goodbyes in our own way and our own time. What others think of it? Not my circus, not my monkeys.

I've seen far too many of mother's deathbed and funeral performances, followed by her stunned amazement that others are mourning those passings. Total tunnel vision and it's sickening. I've intentionally visited hospitals, funeral homes and cemeteries when everyone else is gone, for just that reason.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Adria, It sounds as though you have made up your mind and I just wanted to say that I do believe you should follow what is in your heart and go in the direction it is pulling you. Please do not make your decision based on what others might say, do, or think. You cannot control or change any of that. That is their "stuff" and has nothing to do with you or the relationship between you and your cousin.  I also wanted to mention that if the situation does unfold as such, it is alright to be a watcher to their shenanigans and not a participant. Not your monkeys, not your circus.

[Adria]

I'm with ya Moglow, the drama can be hard to take

[Adria]

Thank you Blueberry,

I think if I go, I'll slip in the back and slip out, keep it low key. I dared call his brother to get some information. His brother was nice and polite. When I asked him to call me and keep me posted because nobody will tell me anything, he kind of chuckled and said okay.  We'll see. I felt the chuckle meant. "Sure you don't hear anything. Your family says they inform you.  I've heard in the past that my sister and my dad say, "Don't tell Adria, I'll tell her and then they never do.  So, getting the feeling loud and clear again that my family's smear campaigns are still in full throttle.  Kind of makes me think twice, but like you say, "Not my circus, not my monkeys."  I do think I'm in a place emotionally after all these years, that I can walk in with my head held high while they all whisper and stare.  I'm much stronger now, and I'm pretty sure they have lost most of their effect on me.  I just won't let myself think too much about it.

[bunnie]

About 4 years ago my grandmother died.  At the time, my sister had embarked on a vicious smear campaign and my mother sided with her.  I was not up to going to the funeral. I took her favorite flowers to the funeral home and sat with her awhile and said my goodbyes.  I had that space and time with her alone.  There are a number of ways you can handle this.  It's all up to you. Best wishes

[Adria]

Thank you Bunnie,

Maybe I will look into that.  Honestly, I've heard of people doing that, but didn't know how to do it.