I know this is a common feeling but I still have it

[Jsinjin]

I am moving toward separating and then who knows.    My second home is almost complete, much of the work hidden from my uOCPDw.    I am one of the most forgiving people I have ever come across; that is not a Bray, it's simply a spiritual gifts I have.   I can think of no one I have not forgiven in my life and it's so easy to come back to me and even take advantage of me multiple times.   

Because of this I feel such remorse, doubt, and unease about the idea of causing her emotional pain by leaving.   It's true that nothing ever changes in our home.   It's also true that we have no intimate or even kindness towards each other.   Yet even a few moments of normal discourse and talk about the kids or something in the paper together makescme think, "maybe she has turned the corner" and I'm right back until another explosion.

I suppose that my problems are not just FOG, it's also remorse.   FROG as in Fear Remorse Obligation Guilt plague me.   Perhaps remorse is a close cousin of Guilt and Obligation but it's there just the same.

I know I'll be ok and will choose wisely, I just have such a heart toward hurting someone and I know that even through the OCPD she will be hurt.

I'll continue to pray.

Jsj

[Spygirl]

Perhaps its time to consider YOUR pain and suffering for the near future. It is not being selfish.

This is one of the hardest things to wrap your head around- your own suffering.  How this other person has been continuously perpetrating it on you,  ON PURPOSE. Be kind and empathectic to yourself. This is very very hard on you too.

Keep your sights dead ahead. Do not look back. So glad you have family support. Many of us do not have that.

[1footouttadefog]

You might be surprised how well she carries on when you leave.  Many nons are shocked and have to deal with the hurt of seeing the partner jump right in to a new life so easily.

Brace yourself for this.

I can understand you quietly preparing for your next location and comj g to terms with nothing changing in a dead relationship.  I am there also.

[capybara]

I struggle with that feeling too. It is tied to a feeling of obligation to take care of him and fix his pain, and also to a feeling of guilt.

What gives me great relief is when I imagine that someone who has truly seen the situation and understands it says to me "I think you should leave."

[Jsinjin]

Capybara:

That's what my family tells me.   My extended family of sisters and Mom and Dad.   Not to divorce but just to take the step to leave.

[Whatthehey]

This past week my stbxOCPDh had a meeting at the school with me and our son's IEP team.  I sat next to him and there was a terrific discussion of needs and wants, etc.  I looked at him and had so much regret and desire to keep our relationship on this level of direct and honest communication.

Then we left the meeting and that was that.  After everyone was gone and it was just the two of us standing at our cars, he dumped guilt all over me.  The switch in personality is so jarring.

Remember the switch not the rest.  It's the fact that they know they do this and still decide to - it's the intention and need to manipulate. 

[Spygirl]