New Bloke Posting.

Started by Factory Lad., November 02, 2019, 07:31:32 AM

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Factory Lad.

Hello Everyone,

Back in the early 1990s I heard a song - it was called "the Factory Lad" and it was written by a bloke called Colin Dryden.

I was a boy-apprentice back in the early eighties, working in heavy industry, and that song pretty much summed things up for me.  It was pretty grim but they were really happy days.  The work was really dirty and quite dangerous but the camaraderie was strong and we had larks galore.  My Grandad had worked at the same place during the war . . . .

Today, however, the factory has gone and instead of being chained to a lathe I'm chained to a computer and everything is so bloody serious . . .  times have changed in the last 35 years.

Anyway, what am I ?  I'm the scapegoat son of a narcistic mother . . .  and my old man . . . . he's a coward and a weak-minded bully.

But none of that matters much to me anymore - I've been no contact for nearly nine years.  I have a Wife and family - my life is good and peaceful.  We have a good time and all the old poison has pretty much gone. 

It's still tries to raise its head from time-to-time but I'm not willing to budge one millimetre (that's 40 thou for the non-metric chaps) so I don't let it.

No contact - I can't recommend it enough.  When you don't have geography in your favour, it's hard work and it's a bloody long game but there are rewards.  Obviously, it's not ideal and can never be as good as coming from a normal, healthy and loving family but it's the best that I can ever expect.

Besides, my family of choice, my Wife's family and my friends more than make up for what I never had.  I used to feel that there was a "hole in my life that could never be filled" but I found that that hole does get filled in time. 

No contact is certainly a massive improvement on what I had before and I'd never go back to my old way of life.

Everything is so much better without them.

Weekends, holidays, Birthdays, Christmas . . . . every day, in fact.  I love Christmas - it's my favourite time of the year.  I never did before - I hated it. 
Life is great without that toxic albatross 'round my neck.  Today it's raining and it's really cold - I went out this morning and got absolutely drenched, so now I'm sitting in my pyjamas . . . .  a perfect weekend. 

In the "olden days" I'd have had to spend the entire weekend running about trying to pacify that pair of insatiable babies.  I dunno who got the job after me and . . . . I don't care ! ! !

Utterly, ridiculous  . . . . . when I look back, I can't believe that they caused me so much trouble and grief because now I genuinely don't give a stuff. 

Time is a great healer . . . .  along with family of choice, self-exploration, new friends and new hobbies and interests.

Anyway, that's pretty much where I am in a nutshell.  I wasn't always this way but things change . . . . we change and our perceptions change.

. . . . . narcissists . . . . . to me they're not what they were.  I'm too old and far too busy to waste any more time on them.  They can go and get their kicks from somewhere else. 

I feel no fear, guilt or obligation whatsoever now.  I don't feel much of anything.  My folks were just two ridiculous and toxic people and pushing their family away was their choice.

Along time ago, I told them that, as soon as they were prepared to take responsibility and apologise for their bad behaviour, they could come back to us.

Funnily enough, I've yet to receive that apology but, hey, it's no skin off my nose . . . . . . I've got lots of other stuff to be getting on with.

What's that you say ?  "Narcissists never take responsibility or apologise" ? . . . . oooops  -  I never thought of that.  Looks like I might have a long wait.

Meanwhile - it's beer o'clock !!

All the best all,

Factory Lad.

xredshoesx

welcome to the group.  i'm a long time NC-er with my mother- 25+ years.  the group has helped me strengthen my resolve to take care of ME and has helped with some other situations where PD was part of a problem i was working through, 

sarandro

Hi Factory Lad...
What an inspiring post...!

I especially like the bit about insatiable babies.

I'm only 6 months NC, but I know where you're coming from.

Quote from: Factory Lad. on November 02, 2019, 07:31:32 AM
I'm too old and far too busy to waste any more time on them.  They can go and get their kicks from somewhere else. 

Factory Lad.

You hit the nail on the head thereXX

awarealivesurvivor

Welcome Factory Lad, I'm new here too.  I'm only two years NC but each day is sweeter.  I keep thinking "golden years", ya that's what these years will be for me.  I'm finally free from the chains that my narcissistic mother kept around me mentally.  Socially, she still is isolating me BUT I am gradually learning patience. 
I see there is a funeral at the church across the street from me, today.  A funeral here means to me that one more flying monkey or someone else that my nm had poisoned against me is gone.  I know that sounds morose but in all practicality, it's one more link in her influence that is disappearing.  When she passes, I can't even imagine how freeing how that will feel.  When I do find out that she has passed, my first breath will be amazing.  Anyways, welcome.  Nine years!  That's great.  I will probably feel like I have found myself in nine years.

treesgrowslowly

Welcome factory lad,

Love your post, including the conversion for non-metric folks!

I'm entering 2nd decade of NC and there is no scenario where I would return to contact. Not for me.

Life has changed so much into, as you describe, a very computer centric one. You know I really like that you mention that things are now so serious compared to before.

There is something to ponder. This seriousness is the thief of joy if we don't keep it in its rightful place. I suppose i could explain my NC through that lens as good as any other- the narcissistic parent is the thief of joy and it is wonderful when we get the distance from them and see that life is not gonna be about letting them have their way. May they go get their kicks elsewhere as you so aptly put it.

Welcome,

Trees

p123

Factory lad - British I'm guessing?

Yo fella. Hi from sunny Wales......

Good story fella. Good for you. I know what you mean here mate and, to be honest, I'm a bit jealous.

JollyJazz

Hi Factory Lad,

Your post is awesome, I love it!
This is inspiring to me. I am MC, and that's hard enough. I have a (very) large geographic boundary in the way of my FOO at the moment, and I feel so liberated and free just from that. Thanks for the inspiration!
Go you, stay happy :)

minerva

I went no contact and it was great until my father died in a car crash at 46 and I never got to make peace with him. No one is all bad. It is such a personal choice  and no one can make it for you, but if someone told me before he died that I would regret it, id have laughed at them, but now...

p123

Quote from: minerva on November 04, 2019, 08:38:35 PM
I went no contact and it was great until my father died in a car crash at 46 and I never got to make peace with him. No one is all bad. It is such a personal choice  and no one can make it for you, but if someone told me before he died that I would regret it, id have laughed at them, but now...

Not a fair comment here.

The worry about someone dying is not relevant. Its like when people say "you'll be sorry when they're gone". This does not excuse them treating you like crap when they're alive.

minerva

Quote from: p123 on November 05, 2019, 07:05:06 AM
Quote from: minerva on November 04, 2019, 08:38:35 PM
I went no contact and it was great until my father died in a car crash at 46 and I never got to make peace with him. No one is all bad. It is such a personal choice  and no one can make it for you, but if someone told me before he died that I would regret it, id have laughed at them, but now...

Not a fair comment here.

The worry about someone dying is not relevant. Its like when people say "you'll be sorry when they're gone". This does not excuse them treating you like crap when they're alive.

I am sorry my comment came across that way. to clear it up a little, It was about me remembering my own father's good parts and how healing the journey to understanding him helped me heal. He would haul me out of bed and handcuff me to the kitchen sink if I didn't do the dishes. I in NO way condone it. He felt like he was made of pure evil to me. But the more I have learned about PDs I do with that I had a moment to say something to him. I think the pain of not being able to do that makes me want to reach out to others and show that it is possible that you may feel regret. I doubt anyone could have convinced me of that either it happened though. But my comment was too vague. Perhaps it still is.

My mother has BPD and to learn form my own experience I focus on learning STRONG boundaries, exiting skills to not let her treat me poorly, about how she came to become how she is, things like that so that I may have the barest connection with her without damaging me or my family. And when I do see her I have resided to knowing that I have to be her parent.

p123

Quote from: minerva on November 05, 2019, 01:27:42 PM
Quote from: p123 on November 05, 2019, 07:05:06 AM
Quote from: minerva on November 04, 2019, 08:38:35 PM
I went no contact and it was great until my father died in a car crash at 46 and I never got to make peace with him. No one is all bad. It is such a personal choice  and no one can make it for you, but if someone told me before he died that I would regret it, id have laughed at them, but now...

Not a fair comment here.

The worry about someone dying is not relevant. Its like when people say "you'll be sorry when they're gone". This does not excuse them treating you like crap when they're alive.

I am sorry my comment came across that way. to clear it up a little, It was about me remembering my own father's good parts and how healing the journey to understanding him helped me heal. He would haul me out of bed and handcuff me to the kitchen sink if I didn't do the dishes. I in NO way condone it. He felt like he was made of pure evil to me. But the more I have learned about PDs I do with that I had a moment to say something to him. I think the pain of not being able to do that makes me want to reach out to others and show that it is possible that you may feel regret. I doubt anyone could have convinced me of that either it happened though. But my comment was too vague. Perhaps it still is.

My mother has BPD and to learn form my own experience I focus on learning STRONG boundaries, exiting skills to not let her treat me poorly, about how she came to become how she is, things like that so that I may have the barest connection with her without damaging me or my family. And when I do see her I have resided to knowing that I have to be her parent.

Minerva thanks for the explanation. I think I see what you mean now.

I guess its all personal. For me. I think I've grieved last 10 years that my Dad has "gone" and when he does physically go I dont know if I'll have much left.