Adult dealing with PD parent(s)

[beloved underwing]

Wow, I am so happy to have found this forum. I've been struggling for a long time dealing with the chaos that my parents bring to my life and have recently made the decision to go NC with them. As an only child (I'm 45 with a family of my own), the burden of dealing with their insanity has fallen solely on me the majority of time. I have been there by their side through many traumatic events including numerous hospitalizations, including; major surgeries, my mom's repeated suicide attempts (including an overdose on pills with me in a hotel room we were sharing while my dad was getting open heart surgery), I have dragged my mother out of a dark bedroom and into inpatient programs, I've dropped everything in response to calls from police, rescue, etc., and yet surrounding every traumatic event they manage to place me directly at the center, either by involving me unnecessarily, or outright blaming me (I should have been kinder, spent more time, my dad suggested I should treat my mother "like a wounded animal" at all times). I'm at the end of my rope. I've gone above and beyond what I feel like should be expected, or is even appropriate, for a daughter. I would never expect anything like this out of my own child.

Growing up, I mostly believed the narrative I had written for myself about why my unconventional childhood was acceptable. My parents strongly believed, and always said over and over again "all you need is love" but what I've realized now that I have my own child is that love means providing a stable, safe living situation, it means working hard so that you can provide basic needs, it means structure and boundaries and expectations. None of which they provided for me. I do believe they loved me the best they knew how, but they were young and ill equipped, and somehow never managed to grow and evolve throughout their lives. I've spent most of my life parenting my parents, and I'm exhausted. I've starting setting boundaries and they're freaking out. I feel like they're a ticking time bomb and I'm really just taking it one day at a time at this point.

Thank you for reading and for sharing your stories. I think this forum is going to be a huge help for me. I'm still deep in the fear, obligation and guilt, but for the first time I'm starting to really believe that I'm NOT the crazy one, I've accepted that I can't change them, that it's not my responsibility to keep my mother alive, and that the only thing I can really control in this situation are my own actions.

[treesgrowslowly]

Welcome.

When I realized (as the child of NPD mother) some of the many great things you said in your post, my whole world was rocked. Stability! That was what I had provided for them, and wanting it for me was me "being selfish". I went NC just over 10 years ago and the healing has touched every aspect of my life and self.

Sounds like you've done a lot of hard work to arrive at the decision for NC. You'll find a lot of us here to talk more about NC with and how it is going for you.

Welcome.

Trees

[bloomie]

Welcome to Out of the FOG! I am so sorry for the suffering, uncertainty, painful and gut wrenching experiences you have had as you did all you could to hold your parents together and literally keep them alive. I can relate to every word you wrote and am so very glad you have made your way to this healing community.

Read, soak up the words of others where you will find your own experiences validated - oh, so helpful after a lifetime of gaslighting and manipulations of our sense of ourselves and after decades of being dehumanized and used instead of treasured as you so deserve.

Boundary work is so important. How wise to begin there.

Meanwhile, we are here, we understand, we believe you, and we look forward to supporting you on your journey!

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

It takes a great deal of effort to not engage with all the chaos and dramas to give yourself a quiet life. It's so easy to get sucked back in because of all the threats of self harm. I know about that.

You seem to have great insight into your situation and what you need to do to preserve your own sanity and wellbeing. Looking after yourself first is not selfish it is self preservation and is vital.

Guitarman X

[guitarman]

I forgot to say that the author and counsellor Kris Godinez, who specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, states that "if these people were not members of your family would you have anything to do with them? If the answer is "No" then act accordingly."