I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing

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p123

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I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« on: November 03, 2019, 11:20:55 AM »
Yes as per other thread. All because brother has said he can't visit as much, he says I need to step up, and I've said I do what I can already....
Apparently, "he'll have to go into a home".

I was thinking though about what criteria someone would need to have to take this step. With Dad:-

1. He has "meals on wheels" 5 times a week, he could have then 7.
2. He is able to cook for himself.
3. He is continent and able to use the bathroom and also wash himself.
4. Hes got someone in to clean once a week.
5. He can get around his apartment.
6. I do his shopping (and brother does) and theres always the home delivery option.

Yes his knees are shot and he walk probably 500 yards. And hes got pain I get that.

Apart from that I can see no reason why he should say "I can't manage without help so I'll have to go into a home".
Looks like a bit of waifing to me and what he really can't manage without is the amount of narc supply he currently gets.


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p123

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2019, 11:22:53 AM »
To be honest though he'd love living in  home. All those care assistants at least getting paid for pandering to him.

Never going to happen because there is no medical need for it at the moment. Anyone else here from the UK?

I understand he'd have to fund it himself if hes got savings over a certain limit (he has!). He'll expect it to be £200 a month or something - hes in for a shock.

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Andeza

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2019, 12:02:04 PM »
When he says it, I would put on my best perky happy voice and say "that's a fantastic idea dad! Why didn't I think of that!"  :evil2:

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lkdrymom

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2019, 02:58:59 PM »
I have to agree. He is a perfect candidate for assisted living. Next time he says that tell him that is a wonderful idea.  Point out that he would never have to worry about either of you making time for taking him grocery shopping ever again....Win-Win.

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p123

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #4 on: November 03, 2019, 04:04:41 PM »
When he says it, I would put on my best perky happy voice and say "that's a fantastic idea dad! Why didn't I think of that!"  :evil2:

Yes that would shock him. He'd never do it though because it costs money!

This is his "woe is me, no-one will look after me, I'll have to go away to die" speech.

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p123

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2019, 04:05:34 PM »
I have to agree. He is a perfect candidate for assisted living. Next time he says that tell him that is a wonderful idea.  Point out that he would never have to worry about either of you making time for taking him grocery shopping ever again....Win-Win.

He is. They'd throw him out after a month though because hes such a PITA!

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lkdrymom

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #6 on: November 04, 2019, 08:55:58 AM »
I have to agree. He is a perfect candidate for assisted living. Next time he says that tell him that is a wonderful idea.  Point out that he would never have to worry about either of you making time for taking him grocery shopping ever again....Win-Win.

He is. They'd throw him out after a month though because hes such a PITA!

Trust me, they have seen much worse.  My father likes to visit the nurse's station around 3am with a belly ache.  They are paid to handle people like him....that is what makes the difference.

When my grandmother didn't get her way she would threaten suicide and my response would just be a simple "OK".  Everything is to get attention.  My father would go to the ER for routine things because he would wait to deal with it until after regular dr hours.  He could walk to his doctor but needed a ride to the ER, therefore involving me.  One time I told him I could drive him to the ER but I could not stay.  Well he managed to con me into waiting with him. After two hours of waiting I told him I had to leave and he snapped that I should just take him home so he could die.  Seriously...we were there because his catheter bag had a leak.....why he couldn't slap a piece of duct tape on it and wait until the doctor's office was open was beyond me (and fyi No I was not touching that thing so it wasn't going to be me to do that).  He got told off right then and there. I stayed until the nurse took him back and she looked at me like I was the most terrible person in the world when I told him I had to leave.  I was at the point that I no longer care what others think of me. I was at my limit of dealing with this. I just walked out. That nurse probably thinks I am the world's worst daughter. She doesn't know the HUNDREDS of hours I spent in the ER with my father over NOTHING.  I did not have another 6 hours to waste on a Saturday afternoon.

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p123

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2019, 12:27:18 PM »
I have to agree. He is a perfect candidate for assisted living. Next time he says that tell him that is a wonderful idea.  Point out that he would never have to worry about either of you making time for taking him grocery shopping ever again....Win-Win.

He is. They'd throw him out after a month though because hes such a PITA!

Trust me, they have seen much worse.  My father likes to visit the nurse's station around 3am with a belly ache.  They are paid to handle people like him....that is what makes the difference.

When my grandmother didn't get her way she would threaten suicide and my response would just be a simple "OK".  Everything is to get attention.  My father would go to the ER for routine things because he would wait to deal with it until after regular dr hours.  He could walk to his doctor but needed a ride to the ER, therefore involving me.  One time I told him I could drive him to the ER but I could not stay.  Well he managed to con me into waiting with him. After two hours of waiting I told him I had to leave and he snapped that I should just take him home so he could die.  Seriously...we were there because his catheter bag had a leak.....why he couldn't slap a piece of duct tape on it and wait until the doctor's office was open was beyond me (and fyi No I was not touching that thing so it wasn't going to be me to do that).  He got told off right then and there. I stayed until the nurse took him back and she looked at me like I was the most terrible person in the world when I told him I had to leave.  I was at the point that I no longer care what others think of me. I was at my limit of dealing with this. I just walked out. That nurse probably thinks I am the world's worst daughter. She doesn't know the HUNDREDS of hours I spent in the ER with my father over NOTHING.  I did not have another 6 hours to waste on a Saturday afternoon.

lkdrymom - sounds similar to my Dad. The number of "fake" illnesses must run into the 100s by now.

Trouble is I'm in the UK at the mercy of the NHS and nothing appears "joined up". The GP refuses to visit now, ambulance too but no-one has done anything about it.

Oh and I've had MANY "looks" and "comments" from nurses who look at me "abandoning" such a sweet old man. He turns it on like a charm.

Of course, at this point they dont know there is sod all wrong with him and hes just playing up because he can.

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p123

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #8 on: November 04, 2019, 12:51:20 PM »
Well bit of an update. Apparently brother thinks its "not fair" that his wife does things for Dad and my wife does nothing. Dad says he is right and he can't understand why she can't help out. 

Honestly, it defies belief. I think Dad will try roping my kids into his "help me" posse when they're old enough. That Dad thinks that my wife "should" help him on her days off - I'm honestly flabbergasted. I think he needs reminding that my wife is ill, struggles to work part-time as it is, looks after the kids - yet Dad thinks the odd days off she gets to rest she should drive 25 miles to do menial tasks for him. And does he really not realise that, after all hes done, she doesn't want anything to do with him? And doesn't he think my wife might have things with her parents? (Can imagine his face - can't visit today Dad I'm doing shopping for my MIL)

Dad is not even ill or need "help" as it is. Honestly, it is like he thinks that everyone has a duty to run around after him.

Its always something new with a narc. It NEVER ceases to amaze me. You couldn't make some of these things up.

I'm trying not to get myself wound up about it. Trying to chill and let them get on with it. Its working. Some of his FM (cousin who in the past has said "you need to look after Dad") is beginning to realise as Dad asks him for lifts here there and everywhere. And lets him push him around in a wheelchair. (hes 3 years younger and Dad is not light).


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Andeza

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #9 on: November 04, 2019, 12:58:32 PM »
Honestly, it is like he thinks that everyone has a duty to run around after him.

That's exactly what he thinks. PwPDs believe that we all exist to cater to their  every need and whim. We don't have lives of our own. And yes, he's going to rope your kids in as early as he can. Has to ensure the next generation is doomed as well.

So, as we say here in the states, do you have a game plan to stop it from happening?

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p123

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2019, 01:49:38 PM »
Honestly, it is like he thinks that everyone has a duty to run around after him.

That's exactly what he thinks. PwPDs believe that we all exist to cater to their  every need and whim. We don't have lives of our own. And yes, he's going to rope your kids in as early as he can. Has to ensure the next generation is doomed as well.

So, as we say here in the states, do you have a game plan to stop it from happening?

Ha ha mainly "ignore them both!"

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #11 on: November 05, 2019, 02:29:59 AM »
Yes, he does think everybody has a duty to run around after him, and you have NO lives other than to serve!  :aaauuugh:

It's almost like he thinks you all sit on shelves, in suspended animation,  waiting for him to snap his fingers or bellow for groceries or a ride to the hospital before you hop off your shelf and just FETCH!  DO!  BRING!  CARRY!  DRIVE!   :sad2:

And when you're done, you just jump up and sit on that shelf again, waiting for your orders.  :snort:

That's all he sees you and everybody else as:  a means to an end.  OBJECTS to use and discard when they don't work - or keep kicking until they do work again.

Right now, you and your wife are a malfunctioning washer and dryer, so he's going to keep kicking you until you work.  When your kids are older, he'll treat them like a blender and a microwave, and start (proverbially) slapping and hitting them, because they SHOULD be taking care of him.  >:(

Should:  NO.   :hulk:

That's what he thinks.  What *he* SHOULD have done is hire a housekeeper, have his groceries delivered, and hire an aide to check on him, several times a week.  :yes:

None of his care falls on you - and yes, the next time he bleats about having to go off to a home, I'd tell him it's a FANTASTIC idea, and he'll have all the care he needs, right at his fingertips!  :yes: 8-) :thumbup:

I'm not sure how your laws work, but over here, anybody can go into Assisted Living if they feel they need or want to be there.  You don't have to be in X or Y poor physical condition.  You can just say you're old, tired, having a hard time getting around, and are tired of being so isolated.  You'd rather live in a facility where there are other people, and there's a medical staff available.

Basically, once you disclose your full financial details, nobody cares if there's anything wrong with you, as  long as you can afford to be there - or are having a lawyer shelter assets so Medicaid kicks in.

I don't know if you have anything like Medicaid (government insurance for those with very little to no income), in addition to Medicare for those 65+ and older.

Without going down the rabbit hole of trying to explain a system that doesn't apply to you, does your dad have any kind of supplemental insurance, in addition to his NHS policy?  Are there services or supplemental policies he can apply for?  :Idunno:

Your wife might be the one to ask, since she's our version of a Visiting Nurse - or she'll know  the right people to ask.  Or the people she knows might know the right people to ask.  :yes:

Oddly enough, the Social Worker from Ray's supplemental insurance company was the one who told me to call an eldercare attorney, STAT.  (She used to work for a nursing home and knew the system.)  So you just never know who will turn out to be your ace-in-a-hole.  8-)

Let your dad waif about going into a home - agree with him.  Encourage him.  Tell him it's the next best thing to sliced bread and watch him try to throw out something about  going there to DIE.  :dramaqueen: :violin:

We have a LOT of seniors in this area, which means there are loads of commercials for Adult Independent Living, Adult Day Care, Assisted Living, Rehab, home health care, having your FOO or FOC certified to be paid to be your caregivers - you name it, it's being advertised and played up as being so wonderful on TV - and I'm sure a lot of it is, as long as there's no PDs in the mix.   :spooked:

One place has the slogan, "People don't go to a nursing home to die.  They come here to LIVE."  :yes: 8-) :)

I suggest you borrow that and say it to your dad if he suggests he's going to creak and shamble off on his bad knees to go die in a forgotten corner of a nursing home, alone, with no groceries, and unable to play the ponies.  :violin: :violin: :bawl: :dramaqueen:

He's going to keep upping the ante and pushing his agenda - but he can't do a damned thing except smear you and spout SHOULDS to your brother, who spouts them back to you, while your brother does pretty much NOTHING for your dad, who expects you and yours to drive 50 miles, so your brother doesn't have to go ONE MILE because it interferes with his drinking.   :stars:

That's crap and you know it.   :blowup:

That's why I say to *never* tell him anything other than you are BUSY and if pushed (or you feel guilty about not JADEing), state only that you're getting swamped at work, and your wife is also getting slammed - you both have too much to do and not enough hours, so your dad will have to figure out something else and take care of his own problems.   :ninja:

You work on computers (IT) and your wife is a nurse - around here, you really can't work enough hours at those jobs.  :yes:

He'll probably gripe to your brother or the other relative, and if they call you, I'd say, "I told him we can't do it, and if you're that damned concerned, YOU take care of it and leave me out of it." - then hang up.  :ninja: :evil2:

And oh yes, those looks - at least until people got to know unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray.  Then those looks stopped.  8-)

But when I'd get them from strangers who wouldn't have a chance to get to know them, I just didn't care.  I pretended I was wearing Teflon armor, because those people didn't live my life or know the dynamics - they had no idea WTF I was up against.  :ninja:

I haven't heard this mentioned, but it popped into my head, and if it pops into my head, I always say something, just to be on the safe  side:  Do NOT have your dad over to your house, for any reason.  :no:

You said he played at being so sick and near death's door, not able to move last Christmas - he'll probably not only do the same thing, but manage to have some kind of "accident" where he *can't go home again and HAS to stay with you, indefinitely*, while refusing to go to the hospital, and making you feel guilty as hell for *allowing him to get hurt by not being careful enough with him.*  :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:

Yes - he'll make it *all your fault* and guilt you into letting him stay for a visit he's got NO intention of ending, while paying for NONE of the food or supplies for his upkeep - and he'll complain to your brother that you and yours *still don't do enough for him* - that's why he's selling the house and giving your brother all the money.  Because He Who Holds Up The Bar deserves it, and you who bust your ass off, trying to please that which can't be pleased gets *nothing but the shaft.*  :phoot:

If I just scared the hell out of you, GOOD.  You should be scared, because there's nothing they won't stoop to, to get their way!   :sharkbait:

He's probably going to up his efforts to come to your house - don't.  You don't even have to see him, if you don't want - you ARE busy with work, after all!   Those computers just won't fix themselves, and Boxing Day does sound like one of those high-volume days.   :bigwink:  (I don't care if you sit in your jammies with the kids and eat Christmas cookies until you all puke - that's being BUSY and your dad doesn't have to know that!   ;D ;D :ninja:)

I keep bringing what you do down to a base level, intentionally - I think your dad might understand it a bit better, or as much as he *wants* to understand anything.  :roll:

And don't even mention being self-employed.  Mention the boss won't give you time off.  You don't have the time accrued - and it's all hands on deck, 'cuz you're so busy.  The boss is strict but  fair and you like your job.   :)

You *can* do this - don't worry about World War III, which will be nothing but words and FOG - worry instead about self-preservation, and the quality of life of you and your FOC.  :yes:

Start putting them *first* - that includes you, too - and everything will start falling into place.  8-)

 :hug:

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p123

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #12 on: November 05, 2019, 11:46:13 AM »
I did explain to my brother the issues I have because I know that 6 months down the line it'll come out and he'll say "well if you'd told me that I didn't know". So he knows.  And I've said no.

It amazes me that his attitude is "dad needs this so sort it out" and "I've decided what we're going to do and YOU ARE taking your turn".

Thing is my brother is the most selfish individual you could ever meet. Hes got three kids from two previous relationships he just does not bother with. Moved on to new partner. And hes having a go at me for responsibilities?

Yes over here you can choose to go into a home IF YOU PAY. As you may know, healthcare is free (albeit crap) here in the UK.

If you're ill and can't look after yourself the good ole NHS will pay for you're care home. Not without a fight though and only as a last resort. To be fair they have no money. And, as you can imagine, it aint going to be a 5 STAR home. It will provide basic care.

Since there is pretty much NOTHING WRONG WITH DAD hes got no chance at all.

There is private health insurance in the UK but its not THAT common. Basically pays for things quicker than the nhs. Most of the consultants work NHS in the day and do private work on top.

But bottom line, if you want to go into a home you are paying if you have got more than £23K of assets including your house. They will freeze this and take it off you when you die as well. And they know every trick in the book trying to hide the money. i.e.  you cant just transfer £50K to your sons bank account -they get to see all of this. 

Over the last 20 years I've tried to tell Dad - dont save all your money it may get taken off you. Give it away. I always remember brother needing a car and he had no money - I talked Dad into giving him some money. I was thinking £5K Dad thought £300. Great eh? That was years ago - that £5K now sitting in his account would have been gone and forgotten about by now by the authorities. (There is a time limit and you can reasonably give some away). Dad never listened, too obsessed with how much money he had in the bank. In the end, I gave up. It will end up VERY badly when he realises, if it ever comes to it that its all taken off him. Care homes are not cheap - certainly not the £50 a week Dad is thinking. Sometimes it amazes me how thick he is sometimes.

Work. Yes my wife works part-time as a Visiting Nurse (I like that!). Shes MEGA busy. She has fibromyalgia and REALLY struggles. I often have to tell her to tell work NO to extra shifts because she needs the rest at home when kids are in school. You can see why driving to Dads just to put his bets on is a no go here!

Me. Yes IT has its moments. 24/7 on call is one of them. I do have just one client I go to (been here nearly 3 years - previous one was two years). I dont think its big in the US but basically you work like an employee but you're not. No sick pay, pension, holiday pay etc etc. The idea is generally you're quite a high skill level and they can give you the boot without any hassle AT ALL. It costs them more but its the no hassle option for them.

Most people are good and treat you well but its bad form to cause any drama. Whereas an employee might be able to speak to their employer and get some slack due to ill parent etc. its not so much since you're basically a paid resource. Employees you have to look after, contractors you do not is the bottom line. Not saying it doesnt happen - most people are reasonable but, at the end of the day, they are paying for no dramas. Moaning and trying to get out of on call or letting people down at short notice is a sure fire way to not get a contract renewal at the end of every 3 months.

Xmas thing. Hmmm. Scary...... Dont think he'd do that. He never stays the night as it is.
Although saying that, he discussed an op with his consultant recently. Told the consuiltant "oh its ok my son can move in for a few weeks to look after me". Seriously when did I offer that? And no I won't because I'll still have to go to work in the day anyway so its pointless.




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WomanInterrupted

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #13 on: November 06, 2019, 02:41:06 AM »
I'm going to address something from the last paragraph, first:  talk to his consultant and tell the person  you are NOT going to be able to care for your dad, in *any* capacity.  If he needs help, the consultant will have to arrange it, but you will NOT be involved.  :yes:

Sometimes talking to the outside party is better than trying to get it through your  father's thick head - he'll *never* accept it, because *it's not what he wants.*  :roll:

If the consultant tells him, "I talked to your son and he can't do it.  You need to hire aides." - your father will either put off the surgery (and blame you   :doh:), or have the surgery, fire the aides after a few days, and expect you to come running to his rescue.  :aaauuugh:

Don't do it.  Call the consultant and let THEM sort it.  :yes: :ninja:

And about having an "accident" in your home, so he has to stay:  I put nothing past people like your dad, unBPD Didi or unNPD Ray.  They are as conniving and sneaky as they are manipulative, and to them  the end always justifies the means.  >:(

But...okay...back to the money.  Why DOES he have all this money he refuses to spend?  :???:

Ray was the same way, although he did make some modest investments in extra hand-grips for doorways, extra railings, and a shower chair, but  like your dad, he sat on a substantial chunk of change (about $60K, in checking and savings, from bonds he'd cashed in), plus the house was worth about $68K, and he had about $35K in life insurance.  He also had private pension of $2500 a month, in lieu of Social Security.  (It's something to do with the industry he was in.)

Ray could have easily gone into Independent Living and transitioned to AL, but REFUSED.  It was his house, his money, nobody was taking it from him, and this is America!  He's got rights!  :pissed:

Translation:  YOU will come over and be my slave, and I will dangle the money above your head like a shiny carrot you're never going to receive.  :roll: :no:

THAT is why he's got all that money stockpiled.  It's a hoover you're never going to receive.  Either your dad will wind up in a home and the assets will be gone, or he'll give it all to your brother, who will wind up in a lot of hot water, once your dad goes into a home.  :yes:

If that happens, be GLAD you stuck to your guns and do *not* help your brother or your dad.  It's their mess - let them sort it with the NHS.  :ninja: :evil2:

Or your dad will just pass on and give it all to your layabout, irresponsible brother, while you've done all the work.  I've seen that one FAR too many times, and it's right out of the PD  Playbook.  >:(

It'll be up to you whether to contest it - and you'll just about hear your dad cackle from the Great Beyond, happy he's stirred up more unrest between brothers.  :roll:

That copious amount of money (and the assets) are nothing more than a LURE, because your dad thinks you *must* think like he thinks, and his thinking is, "Money is the most important thing on earth.  You must always have a lot of money.  All people want a lot of money, and my sons will want mine, but they will have to EARN it, and will get it when I'm dead."

Ray once promised to give me $1,000 a month - that was the money in his accounts.  He'd cashed in his bonds, with the intention of giving me $1,000 a month, until I decided to go back under my VVVVLC rock instead, because I knew it was a gift with *strings.*   :sharkbait:

I'd be expected to be his on-call, live-in slave, doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, driving, nursing procedures  :barfy: - you name it, I'd be doing it, and I'd never get a moment's peace from his incessant YELLtalking at me, with topics increasingly incendiary or  vile, hoping to provoke me into an argument, or at least anything that wasn't Medium Chill.  :blink:

Ray wanted me as a verbal sparring partner, more than anything else.  His died, and I HAD to be her  replacement.  :no:

NOPE!  And I didn't have to do any other damned thing for him, either!  :ninja:

Your dad thinks you think that money is REALLY important and you want it, but you are as lazy as he is and don't want to work for it, so he's going to FORCE you to work, but the problem is he's going to make you earn every single penny, ten times over in your blood, sweat, tears, hours spent traveling and listening to his whining, and the toll it will take on your mental health, children and marriage may be irreversible.  :aaauuugh: :'(

You don't have to do a thing.  You can walk away.  You can stay out of it.  You can practice saying, "Dad, that's not possible. I'm slammed at work, so you'll have to figure out something else" until it rolls naturally off your lips, along with, "No, my wife is very busy, too - I won't even consider asking her.  You're going to have to figure out it without us."  :ninja:

I stayed away from Ray.  I rarely took his calls.  Any time he needed anything I was busy, and couldn't do it.   :ninja:

People at his doctor's office started asking if he had anybody to help him, and he'd go on a tirade about having all this money (complete with amounts!), and ending in a screamed, "But she don't want none of it!"  :pissed: :mad:

I know because they called and told me about it, hoping to "motivate" me.  I told them I was not involved, nor would I be getting involved, because I had no  interest in caring for the man who abused me as a child and showed signs of being ready to resort to it again.  I would not be SAFE and I wasn't putting myself in that position.  If he was too stubborn to go into a nursing home, that really wasn't my problem.  :ninja:

They seemed *relieved* that I wanted him in a safe place, and we all realized we'd just have to wait it out, until the day he was declared incompetent.  There was really nothing anybody could do - and I wasn't getting involved, in any way, shape or form.   :ninja:  8-)  :no:

People like your dad - and Ray, and even Didi - think we owe them some kind of DUTY in keeping them out of nursing homes.  We don't.  We weren't born for that purpose, even though they think we are.

The best thing you can do is start ignoring your dad's calls or block him, especially if he and your brother have gotten together to decide that you and your wife HAVE to take up the slack.

Always remember:  they can't catch you if they can't get hold of you on the phone.  :bigwink:

I know you didn't want to play hardball or cause WWIII - but they seem determined to force the issue.  If you don't want to hear it, blocking and going NC may be your best - and only option, because it only keeps getting worse, from this point on.

 :hug:

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Adrianna

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #14 on: November 06, 2019, 08:08:29 AM »
My father is the same way about money. Has plenty but acts like heís destitute. He has done nothing to protect the money. If he goes into nursing home itís all gone with his house too. I told him recently I donít care about his money and I donít. He was shocked! I guess thought heíd use the inheritance thing as a way to control me. No thanks. No money is worth my self esteem and freedom. It would be nice if he would pass some of it to my son, his only grandchild, but not holding onto any hopes of that either. Would be nice though, and itís what most people would want to do, so no one can understand why my father doesnít get his affairs in order but sadly itís because he just doesnít care.
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p123

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #15 on: November 06, 2019, 08:54:38 AM »
WI -Fortunately, hes dropped the operation idea now. It was stupid anyway. Hes 85. Last time he had an op on his knee he could not be bothered to do any of the physio or exercises afterwards and it didnt work. Thats Dad to a T "its your job to fix it so get on with it".

To be honest, he sees this consultant every 6 months. The guy must dread it. Dad goes in and moans about his knee. Pretty sure the guy has said "have the Op or put up with it" sort of thing.

He moans and moans about his pain. YET, Im sure I've said before - his doctor gave him co-codamol (not sure if you guys get this in the US - think its banned!). Yes its strong but hey ho. So his stupid friends told him he'd get addicted (OK you can if you're really stupid about it - its basically codeine). He got an idea that he wasnt going to take it.

So he takes HALF the dose. And then paracetamol (acetaminphen) - like thats realy strong NOT! FFS listen to your doctor.

I've knacked my back. Old age, big belly - spinal stenosis. Not great recently. Struggling in work and driving. I take FULL DOSE of co-dyramol (which is 50% stronger than cocodamol) plus Naproxen plus neurontin. Yet he expects me to drive over to visit him!!!!! Jeez - you ain;t that bad if half dose of co-codamol is all you take!!

Anyway, Money. Its crazy. His excuse is that when he was younger they were poor so he doesn't want to waste his money now. Yes he was poor - Welsh valley mining town. Outside toilet, no electric upstairs but that was 75 years ago!

Also, he has NO IDEA of how much things cost. I remember him refusing to pay a pound ($1.25) for a cup of tea once when we were out. Daylight robbery he said. Jeez. And I remember him saying my brother had a new job. £100 ($125) a week good money that. What? Thats like £2.50 an hours. Minimum wage in the UK is something like £9. No idea where he got this idea from.

He asks me how much I earn. Dunno why he wants to know. I avoid that one!

He won;'t spend money. I've given up. His place is a mess. Needs new stuff. No chance. I've had the "they will take it all off you" talk about 20 times. Nope. I'd get more response from my cat.

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p123

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #16 on: November 06, 2019, 09:09:27 AM »
My father is the same way about money. Has plenty but acts like heís destitute. He has done nothing to protect the money. If he goes into nursing home itís all gone with his house too. I told him recently I donít care about his money and I donít. He was shocked! I guess thought heíd use the inheritance thing as a way to control me. No thanks. No money is worth my self esteem and freedom. It would be nice if he would pass some of it to my son, his only grandchild, but not holding onto any hopes of that either. Would be nice though, and itís what most people would want to do, so no one can understand why my father doesnít get his affairs in order but sadly itís because he just doesnít care.

Yep same here. Are you in the UK?

Im same I dont want the money. It'll be probably about 20K if that. He seems to think hes going to be leaving me a million.

Same I've told him and told him about the money being taken away. Not sure if he just doesn't believe me or thinks it'll never happen. I can see it happening. Then see how upset he'll be when his beloved money pot is gone.

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Adrianna

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #17 on: November 06, 2019, 09:37:16 AM »
Iím in the US. I think my father too thinks heís going to magically get free care and we will get his money after he dies. Which I donít understand because heís not stupid. Thatís why I think he just doesnít care enough or at all to make the effort to help out his family. Itís his money. Itís his legacy. Sad.
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p123

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #18 on: November 06, 2019, 01:40:53 PM »
Iím in the US. I think my father too thinks heís going to magically get free care and we will get his money after he dies. Which I donít understand because heís not stupid. Thatís why I think he just doesnít care enough or at all to make the effort to help out his family. Itís his money. Itís his legacy. Sad.

Yeh I understand its sort of the same in the US i.e. if you've got money you pay yourself.

I do think my Dad is actually very stupid. Or at least VERY VERY stubborn and small minded. No matter how many times you present the facts - IT WILL GET TAKEN OFF YOU he seems to refuse to realise it might happen. Why on earth be so obsessed with the money you've got saved? Its like monopoly money for him - no need for it to be there at all. Hes pretty much got so much he'd never spent it all.

I honestly think if it ever happened, he had to go into a home and this happened, it would finish him off.

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Adrianna

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #19 on: November 06, 2019, 01:49:28 PM »
Yup my father will be in for a rude awakening when he has to spend all his money on his care to qualify for government insurance. He hates spending money already as it is. Itís not like he hasnít been warned.
He doesnít care about me getting any since Iím getting his mothers house (which he wanted for himself and us bitter about), but it would be nice if he would consider my son and leave him some money. Then again itís his cash to do with what he wants. He doesnít owe us anything.  He has a very me me me attitude when it comes to his money. Always has. In fact Iíd say heís always been borderline obsessed with money.
Practice an attitude of gratitude.