I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing

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p123

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #20 on: November 07, 2019, 05:52:45 AM »
Yup my father will be in for a rude awakening when he has to spend all his money on his care to qualify for government insurance. He hates spending money already as it is. Itís not like he hasnít been warned.
He doesnít care about me getting any since Iím getting his mothers house (which he wanted for himself and us bitter about), but it would be nice if he would consider my son and leave him some money. Then again itís his cash to do with what he wants. He doesnít owe us anything.  He has a very me me me attitude when it comes to his money. Always has. In fact Iíd say heís always been borderline obsessed with money.

Yeh Dad is OBSESSED. Got to have money in savings. Why?

I guess like your Dad, hes been told, and it WILL all end badly...

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lkdrymom

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #21 on: November 07, 2019, 08:51:31 AM »
Yup my father will be in for a rude awakening when he has to spend all his money on his care to qualify for government insurance. He hates spending money already as it is. Itís not like he hasnít been warned.
He doesnít care about me getting any since Iím getting his mothers house (which he wanted for himself and us bitter about), but it would be nice if he would consider my son and leave him some money. Then again itís his cash to do with what he wants. He doesnít owe us anything.  He has a very me me me attitude when it comes to his money. Always has. In fact Iíd say heís always been borderline obsessed with money.

Yeh Dad is OBSESSED. Got to have money in savings. Why?

I guess like your Dad, hes been told, and it WILL all end badly...

He needs to have money because it is control...control of you and your brother because he knows you don't come around for his sparkling personality.  If he didn't have that money you wouldn't want anything to do with him (in his mind).  He cannot comprehend that if you don't want to be around him it is because of the way he acts, not because he has no money.  My father liked to hold
my inheritance' over my head too.  He had 400K in the bank when he went into assisted living.  Kept reminding me that I was an only child so it was all mine.  I responded that once he went into AL any hopes of an inheritance was out the window because it would all go to that.  His bills average around $7K a month and he has been there for 3 years. You can do the math.  I am worried he will run out of money.

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p123

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #22 on: November 07, 2019, 09:00:13 AM »
Yup my father will be in for a rude awakening when he has to spend all his money on his care to qualify for government insurance. He hates spending money already as it is. Itís not like he hasnít been warned.
He doesnít care about me getting any since Iím getting his mothers house (which he wanted for himself and us bitter about), but it would be nice if he would consider my son and leave him some money. Then again itís his cash to do with what he wants. He doesnít owe us anything.  He has a very me me me attitude when it comes to his money. Always has. In fact Iíd say heís always been borderline obsessed with money.

Yeh Dad is OBSESSED. Got to have money in savings. Why?

I guess like your Dad, hes been told, and it WILL all end badly...

He needs to have money because it is control...control of you and your brother because he knows you don't come around for his sparkling personality.  If he didn't have that money you wouldn't want anything to do with him (in his mind).  He cannot comprehend that if you don't want to be around him it is because of the way he acts, not because he has no money.  My father liked to hold
my inheritance' over my head too.  He had 400K in the bank when he went into assisted living.  Kept reminding me that I was an only child so it was all mine.  I responded that once he went into AL any hopes of an inheritance was out the window because it would all go to that.  His bills average around $7K a month and he has been there for 3 years. You can do the math.  I am worried he will run out of money.

Wow. $7K a month! Not sure how much it is in the uk but I know it aint cheap. I guess a lot has gone then.

What happens in the US when the money runs out? Here in the uk, once you get below a certain figure they don't expect you to pay any more. Not sure if they might move you out into a cheaper facility though.

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #23 on: November 07, 2019, 09:50:41 AM »
The pile of money definitely seems like a massive hoover... If you want it, you have to let them move in! Or a big FU.

My uNgrandmother had no intention of moving in with my Nmother (only child) who begged her to. She told me (a child) that she would never tolerate living with my uNF and sheíd rather let the money run out and sheíd simply die when it did rather than step down to a less posh ďindependent livingĒ. She got darn close to using up every penny, and then she went into hospital and died, right on schedule. The ICU bill sucked up the last of it. My uNF was so angry at her funeral...  Which he played off as concern on my motherís behalf. :sadno:

I admire you all for not giving a fat ratís you-know-what about getting any of their money. Iím seeing care for the older folksí actual well-being despite all they put you through. Itís so heartening. On both sides of my Nfamily there have been shenanigans from at least three generations about getting or not getting money and stuff from the older generation. I knew from childhood I would never be in the running for any serious ďcash and prizesĒ so it was easy to see what was going on and not get involved.

In conclusion, the Bible is onto something when it says the love of money is the root of all evil. Peace to all of you.

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nanotech

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #24 on: November 07, 2019, 11:31:31 AM »
My dad is exactly the same about money and savings. He has plenty in the bank, but heís a penny pincher.
Itís for control. 
He brings it up and dangles it.
Often.
A few previously absent family members have fallen for it, and suddenly in the last few years, theyíve become very obsequious and attentive to him.  :angel: :roll:
They point the finger are those who are not.
I donít care.  :cool2:
We are actually having him in Christmas day this year, but he doesnít know yet that itís going to be a flying visit!
 Heís not staying his usual 8 hours plus.
He literally never stops talking. Itís really tiring. Itís all about him, never about anybody else.
We are in charge of the transport,  so we will whisk him home when itís time. 
Heís been waiting about his upcoming hospital appointment and procedure. Heís already had this procedure three times in the last six months. Iím not sure how heís wangled another go at it. Iím thinking  he may have exaggerated some symptoms. Heís cagey when I ask him. Last time he went my sister said the nurse was rolling her eyes. Think sis was surprised. The other three siblings all tend to humour his health complaints and numerous, often sudden  requests to be examined by GP, A&E  or consultant.
I read in here a post that said their relative in AL goes to the nurseís station at 2am with a sore tummy. But that itís great because the staff in AL  are trained to deal with that and can manage this behaviour.
I do wish dad would move into a home. This would solve a lot of problems both  for dad and for  us.
Iím sort of dreading the next few months. The crazy A&E  visits are likely to start soon.  Iím not dreading them as much as I was before I came Out of the FOG!
 My sibs are dumbfounded as to why I donít respond like I used to!
They are missing my guilty servitude!  And  every time, they forget Iím different now, and we have to go through it all again! . Every time dad flips and a FOG opportunity arises,  they try the same old same old, trying to push those dysfunctional  buttons.

Those buttons have been disconnected.  :bigwink:

 This thing heís having which he doesnít need, is a procedure that the NHS provides transport for. He still wants us to take him.  Heís fine to go on transport but he refuses. He cannot be one of many in an NHS ambulance.
We are not taking him. He will have to pay for taxis. Sorry dad.

Heís 87. This test is to get the all clear on the all clear. ( they removed a polyp that had cells that were not even pre cancerous. This is just to double check there are no more of these COMPLETELY BENIGN cells.
They are not even pre cancerous and even if they were somehow, they could take years to become pre cancerous, then years again to become cancerous.
Iím wondering, how much time my dad thinks he has? why all that at 87?  Why is he spending his last years worrying about dying? When he could be enjoying living?

Maybe just leave your throat alone dad as all this jarring and pulling and scraping with a camera may not be helpful and could cause more issues than it solves?
  The Doctor has already SAID that to him once,  and he agreed. He told me he wasnít having any more.
 Two days later he had totally changed his mind and then went back to wanting repeated checks!
 When I queried this with him ( what the doc had said) he proceeded to gaslight me - he said the doctor never said that - it never happened!

OMG  guess what, that was an amazing moment just now!
Iíve only just realised Iíve been gaslighted -as Iíve been typing! Clearly for a while then, it had worked!
 As I type Iíve remembered distinctly now,that the doctor told him that it was probably doing more harm than good to his throat to keep doing the procedure!
He later convinced me that Iíd imagined that conversation! I believed him, because of the brainwashing since birth.
OMG just shows you how valuable this forum is! 
Talking clarifies and distills the truth.
« Last Edit: November 07, 2019, 11:33:06 AM by nanotech »

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p123

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #25 on: November 08, 2019, 01:08:07 PM »
Average cost for care home in Wales £650 a week apparently. Aint cheap is it?

Dad pays about £200 a month rent at the moment (he part-owns his home its complicated). He gets a decent pension etc and tax credits etc so hes got money left over at the end of the month (that he plows back into his saving for some stupid reason).

Either he learns to change and accept whats on offer in terms of help, his savings are going to be chewed into a rate of well over £2000 a month it seems. That'll shock him to say the least.


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nanotech

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #26 on: November 08, 2019, 02:45:34 PM »
OMG apologies for the massive post previously! I must start my own thread if Iím going to go on like that!
Right yes, itís a lot of money that, isnít it? Gone are the days of free care.  Have you mentioned the amount to your dad?
My dad is independent right now, so we will take it day by day I think.
Iím not going to stress about it too much.
The house is meant to be in trust, and when it is I think itís harder to for it to be used for care? But I canít really say for definite as my brother has all the details, not me.
I think my mumís half has to come to us but really do not know. Brother is a flipping solicitor so he will naturally know more.
We are in for some fun and games! 😊

« Last Edit: November 08, 2019, 02:49:17 PM by nanotech »

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illogical

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #27 on: November 08, 2019, 07:32:17 PM »
Average cost for care home in Wales £650 a week apparently. Aint cheap is it?

Dad pays about £200 a month rent at the moment (he part-owns his home its complicated). He gets a decent pension etc and tax credits etc so hes got money left over at the end of the month (that he plows back into his saving for some stupid reason).

Either he learns to change and accept whats on offer in terms of help, his savings are going to be chewed into a rate of well over £2000 a month it seems. That'll shock him to say the least.

Highly unlikely he will change.  It has been my experience that Ns don't compromise.  The thing is, you want to tell them that when you become dependent on someone else-- like your dad is dependent on you-- the rules change.  One no longer gets to call the shots if they are depending on others for help.  But they won't ever get this idea.  It's their way or the highway.  In my case, I chose the highway.   :yes:
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford

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DreamingofQuiet

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #28 on: November 09, 2019, 04:08:36 PM »
P123,

just want to echo the sentiments about being careful about having him in your home and not underestimating what he might get up to to get you more involved in his care.

The last time I had Christmas with my family, everything went pretty well until it became apparent that my father had not gotten my mother a gift. Major meltdown on my unBPDm's part while my unOCPD Father feigned (?) ignorance and said he'd just 'forgotten' to get her a gift. My mother proceeds to tell my brother and I how terrible he is to live with (could be some truth there, but she is 1000x worse), but that she didn't feel like she could leave and didn't want to live with her children. I got an uncomfortable feeling in my gut, like, I realized later, that is exactly what she DOES want. Mind you, it was all about what SHE wanted. Never a mention about what our wants/needs are.

So, a month or two later, my mother calls my brother and demands he come get her (she's in another city, 250 miles away), and bring her back to his place, because she just HAS to get away from my father. Thankfully, my brother said hell no. Cue another meltdown and rage attack from my mother onto both of us for failing her when she would do ANYTHING for us. Please note, I try to avoid my mother doing ANYTHING for me. Strings galore. No thank you. Oh, and the reason she didn't specifically ask to come to my place is it's too small. Nevertheless, we were lumped together in her rage, as we often are. We are a matched set, "HER CHILDREN." I don't believe she really sees us as independent entities. From each other or her.

All this to say, I wouldn't have put her up as the type who would act out in this way (that may be my fog tho). But desperate times (or what they deem desperate anyway) call for desperate measures. And my mother is getting desperate because she and her husband are old and starting to get frail.

Oh, and I am just starting to put this together, one of her colleagues at her job is around my brother's age, lives with his mom, and does everything for her. She wants the same thing. So sick.

I am learning a lot from your posts, P123, and everyone's responses, so thank you.

DoQ

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Adrianna

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #29 on: November 10, 2019, 07:52:29 AM »
Doq you are correct that your mother does not see you and your brother as separate people. Thatís part of the disorder. We are only here to serve and they have no concept of us as actual people, with lives and needs of our own. We are an extension of them in their minds. Nothing else.

And yes, a live in servant would be the ultimate dream for them. Someone willing, able and ready to be abused. Someone codependent with no sense of self. A life of servitude. A life of misery. All to attempt to please someone who canít be pleased. I knew of a woman who I believe lived this scenario with her elderly mother and she committed suicide.

There is no peace with them. They have no peace within themselves. They truly are tortured in their own minds and although I have compassion for that, itís not our job to fix them. They would gladly bring us down with them. We canít allow that.
Practice an attitude of gratitude.

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HotCocoa

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #30 on: November 10, 2019, 08:44:43 AM »
Yup my father will be in for a rude awakening when he has to spend all his money on his care to qualify for government insurance. He hates spending money already as it is. Itís not like he hasnít been warned.
He doesnít care about me getting any since Iím getting his mothers house (which he wanted for himself and us bitter about), but it would be nice if he would consider my son and leave him some money. Then again itís his cash to do with what he wants. He doesnít owe us anything.  He has a very me me me attitude when it comes to his money. Always has. In fact Iíd say heís always been borderline obsessed with money.

Yeh Dad is OBSESSED. Got to have money in savings. Why?

I guess like your Dad, hes been told, and it WILL all end badly...

He needs to have money because it is control...control of you and your brother because he knows you don't come around for his sparkling personality.  If he didn't have that money you wouldn't want anything to do with him (in his mind).  He cannot comprehend that if you don't want to be around him it is because of the way he acts, not because he has no money.  My father liked to hold
my inheritance' over my head too.  He had 400K in the bank when he went into assisted living.  Kept reminding me that I was an only child so it was all mine.  I responded that once he went into AL any hopes of an inheritance was out the window because it would all go to that.  His bills average around $7K a month and he has been there for 3 years. You can do the math.  I am worried he will run out of money.

Wow. $7K a month! Not sure how much it is in the uk but I know it aint cheap. I guess a lot has gone then.

What happens in the US when the money runs out? Here in the uk, once you get below a certain figure they don't expect you to pay any more. Not sure if they might move you out into a cheaper facility though.

p123 - I'm sorry you are going through this with your father.  We have my grandfather in assisted living here in the states.  Over 5k a month.  Nice facility.  Once he gets below a certain point we can fill out papers to have military benefits.  Also, on the advice of WI, and reading all of her posts (she is a godsend btw), I let  my parents know they need to hire an elder law attorney because we live in a state that can sue the children for nonpayment.  Wanted to make sure they were protected.  All of this didn't happen overnight. 
My thoughts would be to start calling some places and see how much it costs per month.  In the states we go by level of care, independent, assisted and nursing.  At least if he starts with the "put me in a home" you can let him know you scoped out some places and this is the cost.  Depending again on level of care. 
You may end up squashing that topic all together if he knows true cost.  You also may not.  In which case let him know if he decides to move forward he will have to think about packing up all of his belongings, getting rid of a lot of stuff, and hiring movers. (Which aren't cheap either.)
His fantasy is not based in reality until he knows all the facts and what is really involved. 
Other than that, you have been doing quite a bit for him, long term.  I'm sorry your efforts aren't realized and I would say, at this point, after providing him with concrete facts, take a long time out and just take care of your wife and family.  The type of drama your father brings can split families.  Take a time out and just focus on yours.  Let him be uncomfortable with his thoughts sometimes, that's not a bad thing.  He has to learn to do for himself or he will really be paying for it with his wallet.  Good luck.
The smarter you become about narcissistic abuse, the crazier the narcissist will say you are.

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M0009803

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #31 on: November 10, 2019, 01:55:00 PM »
Yup my father will be in for a rude awakening when he has to spend all his money on his care to qualify for government insurance. He hates spending money already as it is. Itís not like he hasnít been warned.
He doesnít care about me getting any since Iím getting his mothers house (which he wanted for himself and us bitter about), but it would be nice if he would consider my son and leave him some money. Then again itís his cash to do with what he wants. He doesnít owe us anything.  He has a very me me me attitude when it comes to his money. Always has. In fact Iíd say heís always been borderline obsessed with money.

Yeh Dad is OBSESSED. Got to have money in savings. Why?

I guess like your Dad, hes been told, and it WILL all end badly...

Hi p123,

You need to view this in a different way.

Every time he doesn't take a taxi, and you end up driving him he is punting the costs to you, rather than himself.  That is just an obvious example, but from what you have described (like deliveries of food), these expenses tend to add up over the years (not just in money but also time).

So in essence, he is building up his bank account on your shoulders (via your time and money).

Now, this would be different if he were generous with your kids (and others). But he is not.  He is a miser that will not change his habits.  He is extracting both time and money from your own family while offering very little in return.

So instead of seeing this from an emotional standpoint, see this from a financial one.   

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #32 on: November 11, 2019, 02:22:09 AM »
M makes some VERY good points - and yes, Ray tried that stuff on me, too.  He'd ask me to get chicken breasts at the butcher (huge honkin' things, more the size of turkey breasts  :)) and "forget" to pay me back.   :roll:

I recognized this from unBPD Didi's narrative of, "There's nothing my daughter wouldn't do for me or buy for me!" -  while "forgetting" to pay me back, so I adopted the same tactic:  NO more.   :ninja: You can't even pay me back and have to be reminded repeatedly, only to "forget" in some kind of half-baked move to get me over there so I can chase down my money, and you can call it a visit?

Forget about it.  I don't need the money that badly - and you forfeit a right to any stuff, or my getting it for you.  The ride is closed.  :ninja: :yes:

When we spend our time and money, it only feeds the delusion of, "I am such a wonderful parent that my child would do anything for me! " - and it feeds the other delusion of, "My child will make everything appear  as though its normal, so others don't see how much help I need."

Both of those are VERY slippery slopes and you want to be nowhere near them.   :no:

Ray and those chicken breasts?  I chased him down for well over 2 months to get the return of $14 - at which time he said he was out of breasts and needed more.  Was I going to the butcher soon, because he *really* wants them. :dramaqueen:

I'd already decided this wasn't going to happen, told him I was going to the butcher in a week - and told him the butcher discontinued what looked like Dino breasts.  Sorry.   :ninja:

Ray screamed that they were "bastards" who were trying to make his life miserable, then demanded I find them elsewhere.  I told him I'd see what I could do - and did nothing, because THAT'S what I could do!  8-)

Ray also had a waterbed he hated, but unBPD Didi had loved.  Now that she was dead, he was getting a mattress delivered in a few days.  He called to ask me if I wanted the waterbed and I *clearly* and *repeatedly* told  him NO. 

We don't need it, don't have room for it, don't want it, and thanks, but no thanks - have the mattress dudes take it away when they deliver the new one - a free service provided ONLY when they were there to deliver the new product.

Several days later, he's on the blower, asking when I'm going to come and pick up the waterbed.  :roll: :blink: :stars:

I told him that wasn't happening, as I'd told him we didn't want it or have room for it.  :ninja:

Ray started screaming at me, trying to make it MY problem, while trying to talk me into this perfectly good waterbed that he didn't want, but we should feel LUCKY to have - it was only a few years old, had no holes, had a new heater...  :pissed: :blahblahblah:

I cut him off and said, "I told you we don't want it.  If you didn't have them take it away, that's not my problem."  :ninja:

Ray started screaming it would cost him $75, like that was MY fault and I should pay it FOR him (aaaaah - and there you have it!  He can't AFFORD such frivolities, but apparently, I can!   :jawdrop:) - I reminded him I'd told him before he had the new bed delivered that we didn't want it.  He started screaming I HAD to take it home, even if it was to put it out in my trash.  I told him that wasn't happening - if he wanted it in the trash, he'd have to do it himself, or hire the guys to come back and haul it away.  :ninja:

He wouldn't let it go, so I hung up on him, mid-rant, and screened my calls for the next week.  8-)

Okay - why was it so important to get me over there for  that waterbed?

"My daughter will do it for me."

Even when you specifically say no, they still think it WILL happen, because that's what fits their version of how old age is going to go - even if it's not only unreasonable for other people, but possibly *unsafe* for them (fall hazards, medical procedures we have no business attempting, or putting ourselves in the line of fire of physical abuse) - and not only infringes on our time but our money, too.

They seem to work out that they earned it, so they're going to keep it, and we'll somehow get it back after they die - but we never or rarely do.  Somehow, they make sure of THAT.  :roll: :wacko:

The best thing I've found is to be brave enough to remove yourself from the equation.  No, you will NOT step up and do a thing when they freak out that nothing costs what it did in 1959, will not help them at home, will NOT be beholden to them, or make things appear that all is well in their little world, when it's anything but.

It takes a certain amount of bravery -but a certain amount of knowing who REALLY calls all the shots - and that person is YOU.   :)

UnBPD Didi tried to reign WWIII down on me by insisting she was in charge of my life and I OWED  her my submission and subservience.  :thumbdown:

She was wrong.  And after the first salvo of WWIII, you get a taste of  what they're really capable of - in my case, I just laughed with disgust and rolled my eyes.  There wasn't a damned thing Didi could do or say to get her way.  :roll:

By the time Ray popped up, I didn't *care.*  I was fresh out of F's.  Nothing terrible happened.  WWIII?   It was mostly between the social workers and me until I told them we're on the same side and I WANT him in a home, where he's SAFE.  :yes:

Your dad can do and say whatever he wants - nobody can control that.

The ONLY person you can control is YOURSELF - and that includes your reactions to your dad's black hole of endless need.

Say no.  Don't do.  Malfunction!  Let your brother take up the slack, and the next time you get one of those calls  insisting THEY decided you and your wife have to do more - I'd just block them both and get on with it.  :ninja:

They aren't going to change - but you can - and they can go through their "P123 and his wife SHOULD be doing more!" dance without your involvement - or your time and cash!

 :hug:

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p123

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #33 on: November 11, 2019, 11:21:47 AM »
OMG apologies for the massive post previously! I must start my own thread if Iím going to go on like that!
Right yes, itís a lot of money that, isnít it? Gone are the days of free care.  Have you mentioned the amount to your dad?
My dad is independent right now, so we will take it day by day I think.
Iím not going to stress about it too much.
The house is meant to be in trust, and when it is I think itís harder to for it to be used for care? But I canít really say for definite as my brother has all the details, not me.
I think my mumís half has to come to us but really do not know. Brother is a flipping solicitor so he will naturally know more.
We are in for some fun and games! 😊

No is fine. Interesting to hear from others with the same thing...

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #34 on: November 11, 2019, 12:28:21 PM »
Ray screamed that they were "bastards" who were trying to make his life miserable, then demanded I find them elsewhere.  I told him I'd see what I could do - and did nothing, because THAT'S what I could do!  8-)

This is a great way to reply! I'll see what I can do - sounds professional and like you mean business but you don't. You've determined you can do nothing but you don't need to tell them that.  :yes:

Quote
He started screaming I HAD to take it home, even if it was to put it out in my trash.  I told him that wasn't happening - if he wanted it in the trash, he'd have to do it himself, or hire the guys to come back and haul it away.  :ninja:


Luckily my uNPDmom hasn't screamed in this situation but got all huffy and silent treatment-y. Same as Ray, I believe my mom offers me her unwanted items because it's just easy for me to pick up and remove. It's not that she wants me to benefit from the item but I'm convenient and cheap to take them away. I stopped taking everything. I don't need anything and if I do, I can buy things myself and not have strings to my mom.

Quote
They aren't going to change - but you can - and they can go through their "P123 and his wife SHOULD be doing more!" dance without your involvement - or your time and cash!

So true and don't feel bad about it either. They are grown ups and can find solutions that don't involve you and your wife.

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p123

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #35 on: November 11, 2019, 01:04:44 PM »
WI - Yes Dad certainly has an idea of how it should go. This includes who and what other do for him.
As I've often said, 95% of the time theres an easier way, and probably 75% of the time he doesnt "need" this thing anyway. He just EXPECTS things work like this.

Like  I said, he'd cover over xmas day. You could tell he hated it. (not as much as me). Even when I offered to take him home early he'd refuse because "he didn't want to upset my wife by going too soon". (Of course, wife is in the other room clenching her teeth!). So he'd stay ALL DAY. Then he'd say "Oh I'll go now so you can take me home and come back and have a drink". (it'd be like 8pm). All because is his head the way it worked was that your son or daugher had to look after you on xmas day and he was obliged to go. Crazy.

Same with his birthday. EVERYONE had to phone him and wish him happy birthday. Thus when my wife didn;t that was it.

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p123

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #36 on: November 20, 2019, 01:03:20 PM »
Did well this week - let him get on with it.

He pays for his gas and electricity by Direct Debit per month - as a lot of people do in the UK. Its basically just a pay of paying monthly for what you use. Sometimes they adjust it up sometimes down depending on usage. And they're not very good at doing it.

So Dads has gone up by £10 a month. Hes not happy. (Bearing in mind hes probably got £100 a week "spare" EVERY WEEK).

Wanted me to ring the utility company to check - NO ITS RIGHT.
Wanted me to ring them and ask for a discount - NO!!!!

So his latest idea - he wants to disconnect the gas so he doesnt have to pay for it. So no heating, no hot water, no cooker.  Honestly. Plan being cook with microwave, boil kettle to wash, put a jumper on it the house. (Bear in mind it regulary gets below freezing in the winter in the uk)

Whether he will follow through - probably not. But I told him to do what he wants....

This is a new level of penny pinching even for him...

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nanotech

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #37 on: November 20, 2019, 07:51:45 PM »
Iím thinking that he wonít do that. I think he wants to just make you fearful, obligated and guilty. FOG.
I could kind of get his thinking, if he were struggling financially.
But it could just put his electricity costs way up in any case.
No one does this!
Maybe he wants you to pay the extra ten pounds?
Or the whole bill!

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #38 on: November 20, 2019, 08:53:30 PM »
Sounds like it could be some cognitive impairment showing itself. Thatís crazy talk and he could be putting himself at risk if he follows through. A home might be a good idea, dad. Iíll talk to your doctor about that.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: I'll have to go into a home - blackmail/waifing
« Reply #39 on: November 21, 2019, 02:36:41 AM »
It could be a cognitive thing, but I think he's just testing to see what he can get away with before you jump in and save him from himself  (moving in with him  and/or paying all his bills).  :roll:

I think you handled it the right way - telling him NO about doing things for him, and telling him to do what he wants regarding his gas.  8-)

Expect to have to push back like that more and more, as he keeps testing his boundaries.  If he makes any other ridiculous suggestions (right up there with turning off the gas and wearing an extra sweater), I'd say something like, "I think it's time I talk to your doctor about you going  into a home, since you can't seem to make rational decisions for yourself."  :ninja:

Ray was like your dad - he had a great pension, extra money every week, a sizeable chunk 'o change in the bank, BUT he was looking for ways to make extra income - and save money, like denting cans of peaches at the store in the hope he could get them cheaper and screaming at the poor, hapless cashier until he or she called the manager - who'd cave - just to get that awful old man out of the store.

See:  why they keep doing what they do.  Because it WORKS.  :aaauuugh:

So...Ray's great idea to make money and piss the neighbors off was to rent  out his back yard to a wind turbine company.   :upsidedown:

We have wind turbines a few miles south, along the Great Lake we live near, and they're MASSIVE.  Ray had a sizeable back yard, but I don't think the foot of a turbine would have fit  in his yard - and I don't think his town would have allowed it.

I shrugged and said he should look into it, so he told me to look up all the information on the internet and get it for him.  I told him I'd see what I could do - and did nothing, because I knew he'd forget, and if he didn't, I wasn't going to take his calls.  And didn't.   :ninja:

Ray expected me to give him enemas - I stuck my fingers in my ears and started singing, "LALALALALALAAAA I can't HEAAAAAR YOUUUUU!"  when that gem came up   and he laughed, but  said I HAD to do it because *he wouldn't know where to put it.*   :blink:

Um - yeah.   :phoot: :rofl: :barfy:

UnBPD Didi had been giving him enemas, so he damned well knew where they go - and it's not Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream, where you've got something like 102 choices!   :stars:

I told him he'd have to see his doctor about that, and they'd either do it for him or instruct him.   :ninja:

All of these incidents - and many more - put me on notice of just how sneaky, cagey, manipulative, deceptive,  conniving and WAIFY Ray had become - but also confirmed what I'd been telling his doctors for YEARS - there is something seriously WRONG with him!

The first chance I got, I had Ray's competency tested.  Within 6 months, the man who thought he was the smartest man in the room got himself declared incompetent by overplaying his hand.

Your dad might be headed down the same road - by thinking himself so clever, he might get a label slapped on him that he never anticipated.

My best suggestion:  be wary.  Stay out of it, let him make all the foolish  decisions he wants, but if he's actually going to do something harmful or you find out he has done it, call the authorities - or his doctor - and ask for a competency test.

 :hug: