It just never ends

[sevenyears]

my uocpd xh - who was against the children going to a support group for kids of divorce, but relented "because he's really not against it, just he's supporting the kids because they don't want to go" - took the kids to the first session tonight. In order to get him to agree to it, I had to agree that the children would try it once and not go back if they didn't like it. Afterwards, my DD7 said she doesn't want to go back because it's boring. DS4 doesn't want to go because DD doesn't want to. So, now I'm stuck. I don't know how to get them any support or assistance. Meanwhile, he continues his campaign of denigration. Sometimes it's direct: He tells them I'm stupid or deceptive. I lie and steal. The children are too intimidated to say something like - stop that, I love both of you. Often, it's more indirect, insidious. Yesterday, he told DD that the medicine I gave her for her sore throat was stupid. It just never ends.

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Severyears,

It is really difficult to know these things are being said to your children.  We deal with this with my stepkids, and the things they have been told over time is pretty horrifying.  I would suggest you talk to them if they bring up any of these comments from their Dad.  If they say he claimed you "steal", talk to them about it.  Something to the effect of, "I believe it is really important to be honest, and part of being honest is to never, ever steal.  I'm not sure why your Dad would think this about me, but it's just not true".

From our experience, the kids standing up to the PD doesn't always go well, so they may be better not doing it.  DSS has stood up to his mom twice that we know of, first time she told him to get our of her house (at 7 years old), 2nd time she forced a mental illness diagnosis on him. 

[Penny Lane]

I'm sorry, it is so frustrating. It does never end although sometimes it gets better or worse. I'm sorry, just know that you're not alone.



What if you just, took the kids on your time? Clearly he manipulated them to not "want" to go. You're never going to get agreement from him. It sounds like something that could potentially be really good for them.

Either way, I'm sorry, keep being a really good mom. I think we all just have to do our best in responding to the blatant alienation and hope that we're achieving something.

[sevenyears]

Stepping, Penny - I would love to take them only on my time. That would solve a lot of problems. This is a weekly program, and the organizers will only accept them if they come weekly. Unfortunately, the children are with me only every other week so their participation in the program is contingent upon his cooperation. That's why uocpd exh pretended to agree with the program - he didn't want to be sitting in front of the judge in a few weeks explaining why he didn't want the kids to take part. Instead, he put up multiple excuses why they shouldn't go now, and has been manipulating them. I know he has been manipulating them because they told me that daddy said they don't have to go if they don't want to and that I can't force them to go. They only went to this one session because he promised them they would only have to go once and could stop if they didn't like it. Meanwhile, the counselor wrote me that the children liked it, DD doesn't want to continue and DS wants to do what DD wants.

I want them to participate in this program to help them navigate around his manipulation. You're right that they can't stand up to him - or face more manipulation and retribution. I do want to find support for them so they can develop the strength to overcome his manipulation.

[athene1399]

Can you talk to the counselors and see if they know of another program where the children don't have to go every week? Maybe there's another program out there where you can take them on your time only. Or since uocpd exH took them this week, take them on your week. That way if they have to drop out of the program it will be becasue exH didn't take them the third week and not because you didn't take them on your time. Maybe on your time you can ask the kids if they want to give it one more shot. Like "That's funny you are saying you didn't like it, the counselor told me she thought you two had fun while you were there. Why don't we try it again? Then we can discuss after what we like and don't like about it." or "Why don't you go again and let the counselors know why you don't like it. Maybe it's something they can make better for you."

And I had an idea about the medicine. Maybe if you hear from one of the kids that medicine is stupid, or you buying it is stupid, ask them why they think that. Then ask if they like being sick. If the medicine helps them, or explain what the medicine is supposed to do (soothe a sore throat, etc). Kind of get them to think about, and eventually put it together that "when I don't feel well, mom tries really hard to make me feel better. She buys medicine that helps me feel better."

I'm sorry this is going on. It sounds very stressful and disheartening. Especially if the kids are parroting back to you the mean things your ex is saying.

[Penny Lane]

Gahhhh. I'm sorry. I wish you could use that email from the counselor. How frustrating - you'd think they'd understand with divorced parents that many just can't do every week.