Micromanaging everyone/everything

[11JB68]

This micromanaging is exhausting to me. And he does not believe that he does it. Insists that I get to make 80-90% of the decisions. He asked for examples so I started with he determines what time we get up in the morning. He claimed he does not. I said when I have work I set my alarm but on weekends he wakes me up. He claimed he doesn't. I said last Sunday, mother's day, at 6am you told me time to get up. Then he said he didn't know why, sorry, etc. Then basically said sorry I woke you up on mother's day...
Not the point... He does it every weekend. But continued with his justification that this is because *we* should get up at the same time every day, it's the smart/healthy thing to do.
I never even got to other examples because that one turned into such a circular argument.
Ugh.
Tells ds how and when to pack his car.
Tells me I shouldn't be on my phone/FB so much (nags). (While he watches TV for 4 hours every night and you tube on TV, insists I watch TV with him and leaves every hour or half hour to go smoke, leaving me sitting on the couch... What should I do while sitting alone??)
Tells ds when to get his hair cut. Tells me how I can have my hair.
Decides our weekly budget.
Limits what we can have for meals due to his preferences.
Limits our TV and movies choices based on his preferences.
SO many rules...
Questions everything we do... What are you doing, why are you doing it that way, do it this way (why? H:because I say so... Don't question me)
If I do something a certain way and he says do it a different way and I defend why I'm doing it or just do it my way anyway, then he insists that I'm the one arguing or being difficult.

[notrightinthehead]

Sounds like you are trying to change his behaviour.

[clara]

It's a manifestation of their need to control but my uNPDexh only wanted to control what reflected back on him.  Otherwise, I was on my own if I had a genuine problem or issue I needed help with but didn't really involve him.  The tendency to micromanage only extended so far, and never past his own self-interest.  For example, one day I had an issue with the car while driving to work.  I called him from work asking what I should do.  He said, you know what to do, you're an adult.  Now, if he'd been with me and experienced the trouble, he would've made a big spectacle of trying to fix it or get it fix, issuing orders and commands, saying do this or do that.  There was no one to see him in this instance, however, so he wasn't interested in getting involved or trying to help.

[Thru the Rain]

With the PD individuals in my life, providing examples of their behavior seems to always turn into circular arguments. They intentionally see the "trees" and ignore the "forest".

And for each example, they take everything to a ridiculously minute level of detail to defend their actions.

Over the long, long, long run, it's been much better (for me) to work on my boundaries. It took me a lot of work to understand that boundaries are about what I will put up with, and nothing at all to do with other people's behavior.

My DH has some micromanaging tendencies. And I've come up with a phrase that works for me: "I understand your point of view. I'm going to do {fill in the blank}". And say it with a kind (or at least neutral) tone. You're not starting a fight. You're not asking permission. You're just living your life.

Some possibilities based on your post:
- I understand you would like me to get up. I'm going to sleep for another hour.
- I understand you want me to get off the phone/FB/computer. I'll put it down when I'm finished.
- He leaves for 1/2 an hour to smoke or whatever - do what ever you like. Switch the TV to a different program. Turn on some music. Go for a walk. And if/when he complains - "I wanted to watch TV/listen to music/go for a walk"
- He insists you watch TV with him? Take up knitting or (and I do this) put in your headphones and listen to music or an audio book. Or read a book. And when/if he complains? - " I wanted to sit with you but I don't want to watch TV".

All very bland statements.

Also, regarding things like hair cuts. I would suggest just getting your hair cut how YOU want! But please understand that I don't know you or your DH. If you think this (or any of my suggestions) would cause violence or would be just too much for you to try, then proceed with caution and keep yourself safe.

[11JB68]

Thrutherain
The haircut thing was one of the things that brought me here.
The rage was amazing. Yelled at me that only old ladies and lesbians have short hair.

[SparkStillLit]

Hey. I have CURLY old lady lesbian hair. (The curly makes it extra bad). It's no longer a mad color, but my white is like Maleficent.
I want you to know, we are the bad assiest of the bad asses, and we rock the catbox out the DOOR!
To hell with them and their dumb hair nonsense!!!

[PeanutButter]

My unpdxH forbid me to get my hair cut for years (anything more than a trim).  Almost 3 weeks before I left I chopped it SHORT! The day before I left I asked him if he noticed anything different about my appearance. He couldnt figure it out. Hahaha when I told him "I got all my hair chopped" he got all flustered, embarrassed, and angry. "I didnt have time to notice it yet, you didnt give me a chance" hahahahahahahah "its been that way for almost 3 weeks" That was one of the best moments.

[Thru the Rain]

OMG what is it with the hair??

On your original post, that was one thing the jumped out at me as a little different from the others. It's beyond controlling your behavior. It's controlling how you present yourself to the entire world, and in my opinion its worse than the other things.