NC but UPD mom still calls

[GirlJ]

I'm feeling some guilt and fog and was hoping for some clarity. My mom and I haven't spoken for almost 2 years. It was mostly her tantrum and giving the ultimatum that I don't care so don't talk to her. Ok, I have stayed strong and have gotten by with working out my feelings and issues about our relationship. My mom on the other hand has sent text messages, left voice mails and continues to blame me for her pain and situation. She has been know to be a martyr and play the waif. I'm foggy because she told me she has no money, is living out of her car, is paying for a storage unit to keep all of her belongings. I should help her because she always helped me. She is also telling me she is trying to find seasonal work to get by on but with a broken collar bone and a broken arm that "healed into a deformity" I don't see this as an option for her. She says she can't get medical attention because it costs money and there is no one to help her recover. I live 2000 miles away and she lives in her home town with tons of family. They may or may not be NC with her now too. I don't want to hurt her, have her be in pain or homeless. I have done so much for her and it was never enough and always verbally abusive. Help I think I'm fogged with daughters guilt as I sit in my cozy home and doctors at arms length or maybe it's just the holidays...
By the way, her 72 birthday is this week

[treesgrowslowly]

What sorts of support and resources would help you right now? Do you have access to counselling?

Is there anything in the toolbox here that might help you right now?

Trees

[SunnyMeadow]

I have done so much for her and it was never enough and always verbally abusive. Help I think I'm fogged with daughters guilt

I totally do the same thing Girlj. My daughter's guilt has kept me communicating with my mom far longer than I should have.

Keep in mind your first sentence, you have done so much for her and it was never enough. I don't think it's ever enough. I feel the same way. My mom has run EVERYONE off, there may be one person who still communicates with her. Yet I'm still around being a good daughter albeit a lower contact daughter. She has the nerve to start complaining about me not doing enough for her. I included her in our lives when I was bringing up my kids and all the years after, and she still goes on about me not doing enough for her.

I think you're in a good position to fully block all messages from her. You haven't spoken to her for two years and if I were you, I'd make the final step to block her voicemails and texts. They aren't doing you any good or her for that matter. She shouldn't be able to torment you as she wishes.

I don't see any reason to think helping her again would turn out any other way. You say she lives in a town with tons of family, if you don't jump to the bait of her woe is me, perhaps other family will. I'll bet she's sending them texts and calls too. Please protect yourself and consider blocking her so you don't have her chaos and drama in your life.

[Starboard Song]

I get it.

I don't feel guilt about my in-laws' condition, really. But I feel a strong moral guilt over NC. As I told my wife recently, my stubborn goodwill and engagement has saved me a lot of property damage, and some physical injury through the years.

To NC, or not NC. That is the question. And I understand that at one level you are struggling with that. I'll leave it to others to help you address your feelings of guilt, and even to draw the line of when to step back in to prevent extraordinary suffering.

But I just thought I'd observe this: your post begins that you are NC for 2 years, and your mom's messages sound like a waif-guilt, rather than actual suffering. If you are confident in your NC decision, and know that there are other family, I'd revisit your approach to NC.

NC stands for no contact. That doesn't mean, for me, listening to them in silence. I'd suggest that if you are NC with someone, you ought not be receiving their texts and voicemail. I'd suggest that if you never again had to read her texts or hear her voice you'd feel a little better about NC. Consider whether you should block her from every known form of communication. If you are worried about her safety, you can contact her to let her know that -- in an emergency -- she can reach you through [common family or contact].

My in-laws are blocked in every form except USPS and my mobile phone, and we do not read their mail, which is always addressed to our DS and not to us.

Good luck to you!

[DuckStar]

I am quite hardcore on this type of situation. Hard boundary. NC. And no guilt. I believe NC and a hard boundary benefits both sides. They are trapped in PD and require boundaries. We suffer from the manifestation of their PD and require protection.
NC is the biggest favour I feel I can do for both myself and for PD parent.

[MiniWheat]

Oh wow, totally get this. Clearly stating NC once, in a clean way, is a good NC starting point in my experience. It may be best to clearly state NC boundaries and formalize the NC situation.

When I went NC I worked hard to lay down the NC boundaries cleanly (without attacking or shame), as much as I wanted to lash out. It is better long run to take the high ground, and then enforce it.

I just feel for you so much, because my uPDm was functionally homeless, and her FOO who all have means were not helping, and my ensibs were also not helping - but anything I did to help she actually seemed to *punish* me for. What a mind/ soul/ emotional screw up. It was like she felt guilty for being helped or needing help, so she had to tear me down so she'd feel better?

Like you, I literally can never been good enough for her, no matter how hard I work. Once we invited her live with us (homeless) and I was working equivalent of 2 jobs, come home late at night exhausted and she hands me a *1 page list of everything I could be doing better.* After she spent most of the day watching netflix and then visiting friends, not helping us at all. Yikes. 

I highly recommend making NC formal and taking a hard break - block her on your phone, social media, return her mail, etc.

[hibiscus]

I agree with everyone else who said that NC means no contact in either direction.  For a long time, I interpreted it as "no contact from my end", so that I would read the e-mails my BM sent me as long as I never sent her anything in response.  I realized eventually that this was causing me a lot of pain.  Every time an e-mail arrived, my day would be ruined.  I realized that she was still in control: she got to decide when my day would be ruined.   So I finally blocked all her e-mails, and that helped me immensely. 

I suggest you filter out all her e-mails and block her phone number so you no longer get any voice mails from her.   This is another big step, so it will require some grieving.  The guilt you're feeling indicates that you haven't processed all of your emotions about her.  You can try to process them through journalling.  Journal every day if you can.  Journal about everything she has ever done and how you feel about it, until it starts to seem tedious and pointless, which will indicate that you've processed all, or at least most, of the pain.  Basically, you have to get to a point where you accept that your mother never loved you and never will.  Once you have gone through the grief process this requires, you will not feel guilty any more.  You will occasionally feel sorry for her, but you will recognize that her problems are of her own making, and that you are not responsible for solving them.  You are only responsible for yourself and your own well-being.  You cannot help her without having her hurt you, which means that you have to view her suffering as part of the enormous amount of human suffering out there that you are not powerful enough to put an end to, as one human being in the world.

[Whitesheep45]

Hi Girlj
I've been 10 yrs NC with ubpd m..
For some yrs she sent x ma's card but I would just put in bin and not read.
More recently she sent a message through someone 'can we talk I'm getting old now'.
For me its a about keeping sain and not getting into the dynamics again. There isn't a relationship until acknowledgement, healing and pd is cured enough and fr what I gather that hasn't happened. Blame still exists and I continue in others eyes to be the problem and that's OK but its not OK for me to attend to that role.
I changed my number.
For me not reading any messages is key.
Guilt is part of the abuse but only if I let it be so...
Taking care of my mental health is no longer a 1
I am not responsible for someone who wasn't responsible..
Not said with anger just fact..
I'm moving away from who it's thought I am and moving to who I really am...
It's good