Pretending everything is normal

[Jsinjin]

Do you ever notice you PD pretending that everything is absolutely normal?   As though a switch is flipped and the things that scare you or that you fight about are simply gone?    Like suddenly everything is normal.   At first you're shocked and nervous then you sort of hope that it's all ok.

[SparkStillLit]

Yes, but I never think things are ok anymore. Whatever it was will come back around next fight or unwarranted explosion or what have you. The same old things will be repeated over and over and OVER, so other than sometimes being blindsided by the actual explosion itself, I have *kind of* developed defenses against the actual contents of said explosions or fights.
Nowadays it's explosions because I won't let fights get going. I walk off or just ignore when I see him getting "like that", and I don't ask what's wrong or anything at all. I also ignore awful barbed comments and snide remarks thrown at me.
Then erase erase everything is awesome for a bit....but I don't really buy into that. I feel like I have to stay MC all the flapping time. Quite dull. I can only have a personality around other people.

[Whiteheron]

Yes. It never lasted more than a few days, esp if I was grey rock or MC at the time. He'd get angry that he was "making an effort" yet I wouldn't change. I guess being fake nice was supposed to get him lots of supply from me. Nope.

The kids even noticed. They'd ask me why dad was being 'scary nice.' They preferred his usual self - that's what they were used to and knew how to handle. Otherwise they'd think he was up to something bad.

[Spygirl]

I kinda think that after months of this behavior from the PD, you are permametly Hypervigilant at all times, no matter what.

Perhaps a pd believes that if they settle on the short term you will back out of your shell
Again for another round of brainwashing.

Like a hermit crab. I finally just went in the shell and didnt come out again. Took me 7 years of abuse to do that.

[Stillirise]

Yes, the frequency of the switch-flip can vary from every 20 minutes, to several days for me. That way, I can't judge when it will happen.

[notrightinthehead]

Jsinjin what kind of normal are we talking about? Has your wife stopped being a hoarder? Are you allowed now to put things where you want them to be? Is she kind and supportive to the kids instead of critical?

[Jsinjin]

Jsinjin what kind of normal are we talking about? Has your wife stopped being a hoarder? Are you allowed now to put things where you want them to be? Is she kind and supportive to the kids instead of critical?

NRITH:   thank you so much!   You help me the same way a few of my close friends and counselor help.   All of you help point out the past historical repeat behaviors that impact me and cause the damage.    And I can see that those behaviors are the norm rather than single isolated exceptions in life.    It's not about the hope anymore, it's about the reality.   

[Poison Ivy]

Sometimes, when one person stays in a harmful or unpleasant situation, other people believe or convince themselves that the situation is normal, because "if it weren't normal, he [or she] would leave." 

[Phoenix Rising]

YES! I wrote a thread discussing the same thing before viewing yours.

This UASPDex (hopefully no longer) in my life does this, I just noticed it recently. Literally, I could tell him I was hurt by ___ when he did ____ and he would either go silent, blame me or just make excuses for what he did. Then 20 minutes later he would act like all is great in the world and with us. For example, I'd ask a direct question and he would ignore me then 30 minutes later ask me how my day was as if I never asked the question and that I would be thrilled by being given the silent treatment.

[athene1399]

IMO it is fueled for some by abandonment issues. They realize they upset you and are afraid you may leave, so act super nice. It is still frustrating because you'd rather they fix the problem behavior instead of act sweet as pie. I think it's overcompensation. Maybe its the only way they "know" how to "fix" it. IDK. Or maybe they ignore the problem because it can't exist if they don't acknowledge it's there.

it is an unsettling feeling for those around them. Like it just doesn't feel "right". Knowing the niceness won't last leads to some of the hypervigilence IMO.

[blacksheep7]

ingenting quote:
This UASPDex (hopefully no longer) in my life does this, I just noticed it recently. Literally, I could tell him I was hurt by ___ when he did ____ and he would either go silent, blame me or just make excuses for what he did. Then 20 minutes later he would act like all is great in the world and with us. For example, I'd ask a direct question and he would ignore me then 30 minutes later ask me how my day was as if I never asked the question and that I would be thrilled by being given the silent treatment.



I am at a breaking point myself with dh.  I know I can not go on with a relationship like this that's been going on for years.  And especially having come Out of the FOG, it's worse.   Sometimes I feel like it's a  adult/child relationship when I have to put a stop, let him know about his poor judgement/decisions.  He is never willing to discuss them.  It triggers my c-ptsd of always pretending everything is fine with his words "you worry too much" etc....  You know that feeling when you're at the point that everything about him/her bothers you.  I feel like I'm back in the past with my exs, like I've not achieved any growth in that area.  The thing is that I was in the fog when our relationship started 10 years ago.
Never, never, never addresses any conflicts when it's the time     Just sits and waits till it passes, thinking I'm going to change.  Ain't going to happen, I know myself to well.  Would rather be alone.  It's like living with a robot, everything is automatique, empty inside.
Always pretending everything is fine....just like my Foo