Sneaking around the wall

[inHistime]

HI, I have read a lot of posts here but never posted.  I have INlaws who have always mistreated my H. Over four years ago, MIL stopped talking to me altogether.(because I explained something she said over and over again was hurting feelings) Big dramatic, I ripped her heart out, called me ever name in the book etc. She quit talking to my kids (only called two-three times a year anyway) .  In the past four years, just started making stuff up that I did, since no more fuel. Called my kids hateful and judgmental, they were only 5 and 8 at the time.  I feel confident I can handle if she ever tries to speak to me or the children, and my H is very aware and supportive, but he tends to shut down (only way to survive as a kid) He supports me when I have had to block on SM for harrassing my Bfriend. But I still feel dread, because I know when she says how we are the problem, treat us horribly, guilt trip,manipulate, and he feels responding in kindness is the right thing. Ignoring her harmful behavior, and just texting her h bday or h mothers day etc. I feel like she is sneaking around the wall I have put up and is still making sure her son is still under her thumb. I feel like he's thinking, she was mean, I was kind, end of story. But what I know, after 20+years, she is just testing him, if I call his family names and blame them, will he still say h mothers day? Yep. Thanks

[bloomie]

inHistime - hello and welcome. I am thankful you have joined us here officially. There is something so encouraging about being able to share the frustrations of trying to navigate the PD in law dynamic with everyone.

I understand well that feeling that an in law family member who has brought such pain and destruction to our happy lives is sneaking around the wall and taking advantage of our partner's kind nature and good will toward others. It is a painful thing to hold up under and I am very sorry for all you have experienced.

I look forward to supporting you in your time here and hearing more of your story and experiences when you are ready to share!

[inHistime]

Thank you for your response. From my view, no matter your intention, even low contact, will not help but hurt. That least that has been my experience with my InLaws. Any control they can get. The last words to me, were something like, if you would have just kept your mouth shut and done what I told you.  She only has people around that praise her, high high praise, or keep quiet and make sure to not upset her.  I can not and will not be those people.  Thanks again

[inHistime]

I guess my main question and struggle is how to not think about/obsess what will they say or do next? Even with each passing year, with months and months of silence between. I bounce between I forget about the InLaws all together which is wonderful peace. But then the next time they say something to H, I feel unprepared/ off guard/ not ready. But when I "prepare" myself, I am thinking about it WAY too often and using mental space and energy I shouldn't. I feel like either way isn't working well for me. Thanks

[bloomie]

I guess my main question and struggle is how to not think about/obsess what will they say or do next? Even with each passing year, with months and months of silence between. I bounce between I forget about the InLaws all together which is wonderful peace. But then the next time they say something to H, I feel unprepared/ off guard/ not ready. But when I "prepare" myself, I am thinking about it WAY too often and using mental space and energy I shouldn't. I feel like either way isn't working well for me. Thanks

Hi inHistime - Learning to believe in the tools and strategies I have developed to handle toxic and controlling people, to have confidence and the view that not every interaction is that big of a deal has really helped. Yes, they will sneak around the walls and catch me by surprise as I am living my happy life, but I will deal with is the best I know how in that moment and then I will drop the rope.

I can't emotionally, spiritually, physically afford to give over any more real estate in my heart and mind to people who simply do not care about me and who seem - with me any way - to be unable to engage in loving, reciprocal, respectful, authentic give and take and familial relationships.

Maybe like my own in laws, yours manage to create a sense of urgency and you know there is risk with every interaction with your H because you have lived through the fire for all of these years. But them stirring up trouble is not an emergency and in fact you can choose what role you want to take - supportive wife and mother to your children, and hold it with a medium chill, cool, calm and collected persona.

Setting internal boundaries around our thought life is the final battlefield in breaking free from the damage these toxic behaviors have done to our core selves. Grieving and getting out all you may have bottle up whether in journaling, or time spent with a trusted friend or mentor may be of great relief for you. This is difficult and very sad stuff and so incredibly disappointing that this is what you have for a mil.

It sounds like you H is holding and kind and compassionate line with his mother and not giving her any supply for her bad behaviors and supporting and agreeing with you she is a serious issue. That frees you completely from having to have any contact or response to her whatsoever and that seems like a gift to me, but maybe there is something I am missing?

You both are grappling with a very complicated and difficult situation and protecting each other, your family, and your unity in the midst and acknowledging how painful it is as well. You are doing really good!!! Maybe for him it is as simple as she was/is mean and I will not be mean in return? She may be testing him, but he is keeping boundaries in place and showing kindness and passing the test I'm thinking. Am I getting the situation correctly?

[inHistime]

Thank you for the response. You definitely touched on issues I am trying to sort out.  "Them stirring up trouble is not an emergency"  Wow thanks! That helps so much.   Setting internal boundaries is the battlefield I'm in, I appreciate those words. My H IS in a good place and holding boundaries, which does make me free. I should appreciate his protection of me and the kids. Sometimes I just think the terrible "what if" because I have seen him in not such a good place in years past. And mostly I want him to be free, totally free.  But keeping it how it is now, isn't wrong, he is strong and not giving her supply.  Especially with Christmas coming, it feels like a ticking bomb, just waiting for mil to explode, she has always acted up the worst this time of year, and H's bday in Jan. the InLs like to use to tell him what a naughty boy he is for not speaking to them, (as if he's a child not a married adult with kids). Worrying about it is a bad decision. I know. He CAN handle it. But why should he? Doesn't listening to that crap damage him? I now completely trust H to not let them hurt us, but what about himself?  I think I struggle because he doesn't want to talk about it.  I need to talk about it, he doesn't. Maybe journaling is a better option. He has proven himself trustworthy.  Thank you again!

[all4peace]

InHisTime, I don't envy your position. It is difficult and painful to have family relations like you describe.

One thing I've been learning is that when we marry, our spouse can become our primary relationship. And for our children, while they are children, WE are their primary attachment. So while IL relations can feel really threatening and destabilizing to our family, and while IL relations can create a tremendous amt of conflict, if we're able to truly focus on our primary relationships with our spouse and our children that conflict and stress can melt more into the background where it belongs.

It's easier said than done, but the more DH and I have focused on each other and our marriage, the better.
In the past, when I'd endlessly obsess and worry about the ILs and their threat to our life, I was really not in a good place.

Really, the only thing that changed was my focus and our boundaries. The ILs are still the same. But my life is SO much better.

You say your DH doesn't need to talk about it, and that he's trustworthy. That's wonderful! Feel free to share here if it's not helpful for him to share with him. It sounds like he's in a good place.

[inHistime]

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate what you said. "the only thing that changed was my focus and our boundaries"  Our boundaries have been much much better for more than 4 years now.  My focus, not so much. I do well for a while, then I'm back to obsessing and worrying.  I feel a LOT differently than I used to, but still have this nagging, looming, eventually it's going to blow up in my face thought. If I can get this far with outward boundaries, I can do internal boundaries with my thoughts too. Getting some of it said out loud, processed through, makes me feel like I can get there. Acknowledging that it's painful, is difficult. Thanks for the helpful words!

[all4peace]

You're welcome! I understand all about ruminating and obsessing,  unfortunately.  Dr. Caroline Leaf has great work on changing our thoughts and how the brain pathways work. You can find her on YouTube, podcasts and written articles.  I'd highly recommend her work. Good luck!

[inHistime]

Thank you very much!

[JustMyThoughts]

I'm new here. Maybe I don't understand the procedure, or what "the wall" is exactly. I'm questioning why you are trying to control your husband's behavior. He is an adult. Shouldn't he be making the choice for himself, whether or not to contact his parents?

Are concerned she will say damaging things to him, and hurt him? Maybe look for opportunities to compliment him and show gratitude for everything he does for you and the kids. Don't go overboard, that will make it sound insincere. One trick parents do with kids is to let them overhear you bragging.  This will counter anything negative she says.

Do this regularly, not just around Mother's day etc. In other words, don't make it obvious what you are doing.

Maybe start a gratitude journal, and make sure he makes it into it a few times a week. Writing down what you are grateful for brings it into your consciousness, and makes it come more naturally. It doesn't matter if he never reads it. We subconsciously pick up on when people appreciate us.

Good Luck

[inHistime]

Hey, I totally get that you don't have the whole picture. Who I am, who H is, who Inlaws are?  Not sure how you got to I'm controlling and me being more grateful is the answer though.  In a relationship with MIL, there is no "might" be damaging or negative.  She definitely will.  It's been a long long pattern, H's whole life, and mine for the last 20+ years.  She is allowed to manipulate, control, shame, blame, treat everyone badly, call names, etc etc. If it doesn't revolve around her, she will ruin it. Then if you object, she cuts you off, silent treatment you don't exist, completely ignored.  Then one day, months and months or even years later, she waltzes back into your life as if nothing happened. this has repeated for years and years.  And the whole family is trained to let it happen.  Keep your mouth shut, let her abuse you, pretend it didn't happen. I finally had enough, I NEED boundaries, I need a say in how someone treats me and my kids and my H. So no, I don't want H to talk to them, but he absolutely can.  He doesn't really have a relationship with them, just  politeness, Happy bday, h mthers day, etc.  It just hard for me to watch, to see bad behavior ignored.  I am proud of who he is, I just don't want him to hear ONE more word of how all their bad behavior is ok and somehow it's all his fault or my fault. It's a struggle, and we have come a long long way. I am trying to process being NC and H being Low Contact for now.

[bloomie]

inhistime - having endured toxic behaviors from your mil for 20+ years it takes a tremendous expenditure of energy and courage to be the one to set healthy boundaries and refuse to allow yourself to be abused. Going against the mighty tide of complacency and resignation that allows one person in a family to aggress over and over again on others with zero consequences is ultimately what love actually looks like.

Boundaries with consequences and limits and protecting your children from someone who would harm you and your precious family is a responsibility and right. Healthy families do not tolerate this kind of behavior and they model for their children how to handle it and that it is unacceptable, just as you are doing.

It is understandable you have concerns with any contact from or with someone who has shown themselves to be untrustworthy and divisive. Having concerns and expressing them working through them with your H, finding a way to negotiate if/how/when to contact his mom is wise and sadly necessary.

JustMyThoughts - A few thoughts of my own having lived for decades with the specter of toxic behaviors of my in laws without allowing them to destroy us, our marriage, and negatively impact our children. For our family to thrive in spite of this type of disordered family legacy from our in laws requires great skill and insights and a whole lot of support and self reflection. I have found that a big part of that is working with our partners and staying in unity around how best to navigate this serious problem is essential, mutually respectful and wise.

Two together are far better, smarter, stronger than one alone. It is not a matter of controlling, but rather working rightly on a serious problem that impacts and threatens our family of choice well being.

I see you are new here. Welcome. We invite you to introduce yourself on our Welcome Mat and let us know what brings you here.
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=1.0

[prettyinpink]

InHistime - I feel like I could have written a lot of what you did myself. Although instead of it being about my MIL, it would be my SIL who I have been dealing with for the past 15 years. I decided this past May to go complete NC with her and some days are definitely easier than others. With the holiday season upon us, I find myself playing through different scenarios in my head just to prepare myself.  Setting boundaries is a very difficult thing to do and I have allowed myself to be a push over in the past,  but I am working on being stronger this time around. I am a work in progress, so I don't have any real advice for you, but just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

[inHistime]

Thank you PrettyinPink.  Knowing I'm not alone is a HUGE help, and I hope it helps you too!  I also have a SIL that is all these things also, had to complete go NC around 11 years or so.  She is just like MIL, but only being a teenager when I got involved with H, I was naive and impressionable.  That's part of the reason it's taken so long for me, to not be a push over, and taking H a long time too when you've never known anything else your entire childhood. I think it's more difficult for my H, because he could still have a relationship with his dad and brother, with out sister. But NC with mom means we don't get a relationship with anyone, she will not allow it.  But I guess if they allow her to decide if they can talk to us. I have to chose my family and their health over those relationships sadly. Thanks again for the support, it is very much appreciated!