Dealing with patronizing/undermining behavior

[Steve2019]

Hello all,

I love that this forum exists. I have been developing the courage to join for a long time, and just took the plunge. Like a lot of people, I fear that somehow what I write here will be seen by the people I am writing about. I  spent 30-something years jumping through hoops and treading on eggshells, so this is deeply ingrained.

I have an uNPD mother, who is slighted by anything that doesn't meet the behavior she expects from people, whose rages when growing up were some of the most terrifying things a child could have experienced. As an adult, she ignores and undermines my achievements. Her tone of voice is often extremely patronizing, and she is the queen of invalidation.

A lightbulb went off in my head just over 6 years ago, and I realized that my mother's behavior was toxic. Growing up, I remember having the thought at about the age of 13 that at some points my mother favored my sister, and at others she favored me. Throughout our twenties, my sister was definitely the golden child. I have always felt I have been competing with my sister - we got the same grades at school, I got a higher class of degree and achieved a PhD with full scholarship. I have since moved well away and see my FOO about 4 times a year. I have a highly paid job and she is unemployed. Whenever I visit I see how infantalized and enmeshed the family structure is, how it is impossible to self-determine within that context and how glad I am that I am no longer a part of that as much.

My mother had always gone on about my sister's intellect (she had a big hang up with not being clever at school), and has always been fixated on why my sister didn't get the grades she 'should have' at school. She is now beside herself that my sister has been unemployed for a long time and can't seem to find her way in life.

In the last 8 years or so my sister has started to display NPD characteristics very similar to my mother - one particularly nasty rage, lots of patronising comments and tones of voice, mixed in with mindless banalities that on the surface appear to be nice, but actually say nothing. I find social engagements with my sister and my mother unbelievably irritating - my mother dominates group conversation with meaningless small talk and fawns over anyone she considers intelligent (I developed heavy social anxiety from dinner parties growing up and from being told I wasn't good at socializing; she then told me when I had social anxiety that I came across as arrogant!).

Recently, I think it is due to my time spent away, or the fact that I feel more empowered, both spiritually and materially, that I am starting to call BS on patronizing language, especially from my sister. I've spent my life pandering to the behavior expected of me by the family structure (i.e., my sister can do no wrong, my mother calls the shots) that I honestly couldn't care less if they're offended and give me the silent treatment.

Thank you for reading this. Writing it has been very cathartic.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. I am really glad you took the plunge and officially joined this supportive community of fellow travelers.

Coming into the fullness of our separateness, stepping back and clearly identifying the toxic behaviors and patterns within our FOO system, and developing healthy boundaries around what works and does not work in communication and relationship with us is a huge, ginormous, fantastic step forward and I applaud you for this milestone in your healing journey.

Having support along the way if and when the push back comes can lighten a heavy load. For me, just seeing my truth in black letters on a white screen and others believing me, supporting me, validating that sadly, these toxic patterns are measurable and not unusual in a disordered family system, has been one of the most helpful experiences of my life.

We believe you. This is a community of folks who truly get it and who will support you in your time here.

I've tried to get closer to my sister, as she will be around for a long time - this year I paid for her holiday, lent her money (which she still owes me) and included her in social activities. But it just seems like she's turning into my mother and I don't know how to handle it. My strategy will just be calling her out on her BS in a way that I've never been able to do with my mother. TBH I can tell it's taking her back a bit as I'm not responding in a way that I've been brought up to. But I've realized that I my FOO have no right to treat me any differently to how I would expect anyone else to treat me - I need to respond in a way that asserts my right to be communicated to with respect and to live my life however I wish so long as that does not hurt any (rational) person.

This is an all too familiar and inexplicable pattern in my own life with a sibling whose behaviors are toxic and unapologetically hurtful and highly competitive. With my own uNPD/BPD sibling I found that all of the sacrificial offering that I made to invest in their life and their children's lives were viewed as me putting myself in a step up position.

I have come to understand that to my malignant N sib I was "besting" them by doing things like paying their children's way to summer camp when they once again not in a position to pay for it themselves. My home, my career, my education, and oddly especially my generosity and open heart to them was received as me putting them in a position to owe me and flaunt that I have more than they do, that I am "better". I was resented for those kindnesses all they while they were accepting them and expecting more of the same.

And in my own sibling he made clear his belief that I was keeping track of all I had done and what they owed me and self aggrandizing. That is how he viewed the world and how he viewed me. All the while I was offering love in sincerity and attempting to build something authentic and of value with him and his family from the wreckage of my parent's home that we grew up in.

When we are pitted against each other and our very survival is at risk from birth in our FOO's it is terribly hard to find common ground and trust with a reasonably healthy sibling who is doing the hard work of recovering, but with a disordered sibling it is exponentially harder, I have found.

Your sibling may be showing signs of a personality disorder or they may have something we call fleas. One of the things that has served as an ongoing litmus test of PD vs fleas in my own sibling relationships is how another responds to respectfully set and held boundaries in the relationship. Your sibling may push back or be taken back with this change in what you allow in communication and it may take a bit of time to sink in, but they may adjust and your relationship may be better for it. Only time and consistency will tell.

Keep coming back and sharing as you are ready and able. The toolbox and traits info at the drop down menus above are something I return to often as a help.

Strength and wisdom to you in the coming days as you gently turn the tide on these relationships.

[Steve2019]

Hey Bloomie, thank you so much for your reply. Yes, it is so validating to have it written out in black ink.

I think you could be right re: fleas.

Knowing about NPD kind of feels like a super power. For the most part it fascinates and/or amuses me.

[Outsiderchild]

I had a moment of horrific clarity a few years ago when I sent my sibling all the baby clothes and equipment.  I had known for years that both of my siblings were weird about gift giving.  I went through and made sure everything was in good shape, nothing worn or stained.   

My sibling was uncomfortable with the generosity and wanted to reduce my gift to some sort of sales transaction.   They didn't want a gift as that gave them feelings of obligation, so they wanted to pay me a pathetic token amount.  That way it would lessen my generosity and they wouldn't have to have feelings of thanks.

I have since noticed that they don't like giving gifts and try to avoid situations where it is necessary or expected.  If they are giving gifts they have an acute sense of cost (not worth) and expect to make out better on the "deal" than what they gave.  But not so much better that they then look like the cheapskates they are to others.  A very fine line indeed that just about guarantees any gift giving is accompanied with PD drama. 

When I finally saw all this for how it was, it triggered the first period of grief for the FOO I experienced.  Their way of thinking is so alien to mine, there really is no common ground.  That has been the start of letting go of the fantasy of "Maybe Someday" we can have a relationship that is healthy.  I quit expecting normal reactions to normal situations from them.

[Outsiderchild]

Sorry, hit reply too soon.  What I wanted to say was that it seems that PD's can make simple kindness  a minefield of doublethink.  You were being kind and generous.  In their weird world you are being competitive, showing off, manipulative, sarcastic, condescending, and guilt-tripping.  Pick any two. 

The topic of how competitive siblings can be with each other's success, and how angry they are if they think they are not "winning" is one that I'm currently dealing with.  My spouse and I have had some setbacks and both of my siblings are much happier with me at family meetings.  Again, whatever.  My fleas want me to respond, but I am working Grey Rock as best I can. 

Good luck navigating the path. 

[guitarman]

You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. What has fundamentally changed for me is describing what I experience as abuse rather than mental illness. I am her target of abuse, along with other members of my family. She may still have mental health issues as well. I can identify with what you had to cope with growing up. That all sounds so familiar to me.

It takes time to learn about different ways to respond and how to cope. With education and support it can be done. Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can. I've learnt about always staying calm. Also knowing that I can't change anyone else's behaviour or thinking has helped. I can only change and control my own. That is very freeing.

So often we can be provoked into anger and have all our buttons pushed. I have learnt to calmly let go and not participate in all the dramas and manipulative games, well I try. I have learnt to talk more about my feelings.

I have learnt about Medium Chill and Grey Rock techniques. I have learnt to be a lighthouse not a lifeboat, constantly being a rescuer. I have learnt not to do "idiot compassion" where I am the idiot. It's a Buddhist term.

It's been hard work over many, many years to learn to do things differently. I'm only human and make mistakes and can fall back into old ways of thinking and behaving. Life is a teacher and I'm constantly learning how to do things that help me to cope better being a target of abuse. At times all the fear, obligation and guilt can become too much to cope with.

I have learnt about projection. What your mother is criticising you about she is criticising about herself and projecting it all onto you. When she is saying "You" she means "I". She, of course, wouldn't criticise herself publicly as she thinks she is perfect and superior to everyone else. She can't possibly ever be wrong and has to blame someone else. That is you.

Little by little things can change for you. Keep calm. Keep strong.

Best wishes

Guitarman