Question on who is the "Leader of the Family"

Started by Healing Finally, November 09, 2019, 11:23:27 PM

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Healing Finally

Hi all,  :wave:

I have had a hiatus from this forum, as one does from time to time.  Every now and again I feel all is going to be ok, but then I fall back into old dissociation habits due to c-ptsd kicking in, which I discovered from the "Out of the FOG" sister website to "Out of the Storm".  I am grateful to be learning how to deal with this now that I have discovered it, but it's a long haul.

It doesn't help that my current family dynamic continually triggers my c-ptsd and that's why I thought to post here....recap:

~ Over 5 years ago I tried to educate my enmeshed (soon to be Ex)-Brother-in-Law and Mother of my sister's (u)NPD and it totally backfired on me.  I now know NEVER to even think of doing this.  I had NO IDEA how strong the dysfunctional bond can be between the enmeshed family members which kicks in the denial to the point of, literally, insanity.  They decided it was best to share this information with my sister (as good flying monkeys do) and my sister hasn't spoken to me since.  Also, her two grown sons stay out of contact with me as well.  My enmeshed mother can't stand up to my (u)NPD sister (never could) and share her desire to have us all together.  She also has c-ptsd (from her own (u)NPD mother) which makes her oblivious to her actions.  ~

My Father died 12 years ago and my Mother relied on him heavily for emotional support.  So did my sister.  As my Mom is "old school", she naturally deferred to my sister's husband as the new Leader.  At the time I called out my sister's (u)NPD behavior, she and my BIL were separated.  But he was still considered the Leader in my Mom's eyes (hence why it was ok to betray me.)

Now my BIL and sister are in the middle of a divorce.  It's ugly.  He finally got the message that she wasn't coming back to him, after he supported her for 8 years.  She has a new (wealthy) boyfriend now.

My Mom has been in a lot of pain over this rift in the family.  And she can't bring herself to do anything about it.  Again, she is "old school" and is already talking about how great my sister's new boyfriend is.  She doesn't see herself as the matriarch, and when I try to help her see this, she gets upset; she can't handle it.

So, at this time, my (u)NPD sister is the Leader of the family, by default now; as my mother gives her all the power (due to her inability to confront her.)  My sister's "Leadership" basically consists of: keeping me out of the picture.

Here is my question.  Should I do anything about this??  Now that my BIL is no longer in the picture and my Mom can't lead?  Is it ok to have a psychopath at the helm??

Part of me thinks, I am the eldest, and my Mother is in emotional pain.  I know this situation is hard on my nephews as my son has shared with me they both want to see me.  Not too long ago they all got together for my nephew's college graduation and everyone went to my son's restaurant for dinner, but I wasn't allowed.  SICK. 

Maybe, I should step into the Leader role and take control; for everyone's benefit!  Of course this is what got me into trouble in the first place! Ack, I need to remember how strong that dysfunction bond is.

But, I'm a different person now, I am healthier, and I'd like to share that healthfulness with everyone else.  I'd like to encourage everyone to do what they can so that we can all be together again; for all our sake.  OH I suppose the best thing I can do is just detach and live my life.  :smug: - so hard to do with the c-ptsd.  Thanks for listening and let me know if you have any thoughts.  :hug:



Keep walking, though there's no place to get to.  Don't try to see through the distances.  That's not for human beings.
Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move."
~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Penny Lane

Hi there and welcome back to the forum.

Here is my opinion: This is your codependence talking. You're talking about people who have treated you badly and who don't want the help.

I say, be a leader in your own family of choice. Plan stuff with them and help them with their lives. Surround yourself with healthy people, where there is a give and take and emotional support flows both ways. Trying to do more for your FOO can lead you to a black hole of emotional energy.

Instead I hope you spend that energy on healing from the c-ptsd.

:bighug:

Healing Finally

Thank you Penny Lane, I appreciate your response  :yes:

FYI, I just moved to a new city and into a new place with my son.  He still hangs out with my sister's kids (his cousins, my nephews.)  Also, my Mom is coming to visit us for a week over Thanksgiving.  We all are still intertwined.  As my Mom can't stand up to my sister, this dysfunction is not going to go away.

Maybe it's the "INFJ" in me or the "Empath", but I've always felt compelled to help people in pain, and everyone is in pain!  We don't have to live like this!   I have always been the more aware one, unfortunately though I didn't have control on my C-PTSD, nor understood the level of dysfunction, so sharing my "awareness" was a mistake, but we learn from our mistakes and move on.  I want to move on, but how can I when I have my Mom coming to stay for a week.  I just don't know what to do.  :stars:
Keep walking, though there's no place to get to.  Don't try to see through the distances.  That's not for human beings.
Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move."
~ Jalaluddin Rumi

blacksheep7

welcome back Healing Finally

I remember your story.  My opinion is to stay out of it for your sake and well being. What I mean is don't get involved about their relationship.
Your sister has done you much hurt in the past and has not changed.  She will get involved no matter what because your M has an enmeshed relationship with her.

Please, don't go back to that dysfunction which will only be negative for you.

Remember the three  c's.

If you still want your M to come for a week you can but conversation about sis must be avoided at all cost.  Just be there for your M if that is possible for you.

take care
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."
Maya Angelou

Healing Finally

Thank you blacksheep7  :yes:

I will look up what the three c's are again, thanks for the reminder.

I guess what it boils down to is my acceptance that the dysfunction will never change, that I (again reminder to self) have no control.  :no:

Both my son and I want to have my Mom here, and so it sounds like I'm just going to have to make a rule that we cannot talk about my sister.

:hug:
Keep walking, though there's no place to get to.  Don't try to see through the distances.  That's not for human beings.
Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move."
~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Healing Finally

Oh yea, this!  Gosh, how easy it is to forget!!! :blush:  I'm going to put a note on my mirror!!  :tongue2:

The Three C's...

"I didn't Cause it,
I can't Cure it,
and...
I can't Control it."

Thank you all!!  :hug:  (reminder to self, come back to this forum more often!!)
Keep walking, though there's no place to get to.  Don't try to see through the distances.  That's not for human beings.
Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move."
~ Jalaluddin Rumi

bgirl12

I'm sure you could do it better as a leader in the family but why would you want to? Take care of you. You matter the most. Family is not the military advancing a hill and a new leader must pick up the flag when one falls. If it were the military, I would say they should carry each other through battle. Why do you feel like you need to carry anyone through or be a positive driving force for someone else who wouldn't appreciate it anyways? I know I struggle with this daily. I think if anyone has a problem I should do what I can to help. I remind myself my oxygen mask if the one that matters most. I have to tell myself everyday so I'm just preaching to the choir. Thanks for sharing with the forum and be encouraged.

guitarman

Abusers are all about power and control.

If your mother has mental capacity then she is free to choose what decisions she makes. However if she is doesn't have capacity or is being coerced or controlled then that is a safeguarding matter and the authorities need to be informed. Psychological control is a form of abuse. Does your sister have control of her finances?

I know a bit about safeguarding because my mother was under safeguarding because of my uBPD/uNPD sister's behaviour.

If your nephews are adults they can contact you if they like and you can contact them. Your sister may threaten all sorts if you do but this is all about her perceived power and control over you all. What could she really do about it? What are you so scared of?

Whatever happens stay calm. The Narcissistic Circle of Abuse is where the abuser turns everything around to become the victim. Your sister may provoke you to anger by pushing all your buttons and then try and get you shout at her. She would then become the victim and tell everyone how awful and abusive you were to her. It happens.

Why weren't you allowed to go the the restaurant? Who told you that? You wouldn't have been breaking the law if you had gone. It sounds like very bullying behaviour. What would have been the consequences if you had gone?

Your sister seems to be terrifying everyone in the family. I know how that can be. It's an awful way to live.

It seems your mother needs support. Everything should be done to help her.

Best wishes

Guitarman
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

Healing Finally

#8
Thank you all for your thoughts, I really appreciate everything you've said.  :wave:

Not sure if I mentioned before, but my 36 year old son and I are living together now, we both moved to a new town and are helping each other get established. 

My Mom was here for Thanksgiving for 6 days.  It was a very strained visit, but overall it went OK.  The last night, after I went to bed, my son talked to his grandmother, and brought up his anger about the fact that my sister continues to keep the family apart.  It hit my Mom hard.  She just feels like such a victim, and said the same thing to him that she has done all she can.  The next day when I took her to the airport she barely spoke. 

My son shared some of their conversation with me, and she parroted all the bull that my sister has injected into the scenario over the past 5 years, that I've already debunked with her, but she just won't accept it.  Due to her own C-PTSD my Mom has to keep my sister as the winner to survive.  But I decided to send her yet another email addressing each piece that was totally WRONG, which I've already told her over 5 years ago was wrong (like I believed my Dad loved my sister more and that's why I was jealous of her and tried to break up her marriage.)  What a lot of crap!!  Typical story from a sick narcissist brain!  My Mom responded saying she wants to crawl into a cave, and I said that's her C-PTSD and she said she appreciated that I'm pointing this out, as she does acknowledge she has it.

So that's where we are.  I checked into "safeguarding", interesting, this is a UK term, I don't hear it used over here in the US.  The idea that my Mom is vulnerable is a very good point, because it is true.  If she can't see it, then at least I can be aware, and alert my son.  He might be able to alert his cousins to consider the fact that their mother's manipulation of their grandmother is what is really happening here, and start shifting the story-line from fantasy to reality!  Ah, what a dream... :blink:

FYI, my mother is in charge of her finances at this time, although she appointed my son the guardian of her estate if she dies.  To be honest, I believe over the next few years things will have to change as my Mom will need more care.  So I probably don't need to be too concerned as we have capable people in the family that will hopefully keep my Mother's needs on the forefront.  \

Ah I'm so exhausted from my C-PTSD thinking that keeps me in bed during the day!  But, that's for another forum. :hug:
Keep walking, though there's no place to get to.  Don't try to see through the distances.  That's not for human beings.
Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move."
~ Jalaluddin Rumi