Strange behavior from parents

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Amna

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Strange behavior from parents
« on: November 10, 2019, 10:59:49 PM »

It is almost a year of NC from Dad and LC w/ mom.

A few months ago, they visited my golden sibling for a few months but did not pay me a visit despite my invitation with an offer to buy them round-trip flight tickets.
My mom talked to me briefly for a few minutes in all those months she was with my sibling.  My dad not even that.

The strange behavior is this -
Ever since they have gone back to their place the emails and calls do not stop. It is alternating from mom and dad.
I got a LONG email from my mom how she is terribly sorry and needs my help to piece family back together, and help them fix all that they broke, and she does not want to lose both her kids affection.
Knowing my dad to be quite egoistic in nature who does not bow down or yield or accommodate easily, I don't even feel these emails are from him. He is not capable of feeling sorry. I believe my mom is sending these via his email account.

Even though they will not accept it, I know my sibling is not the best host - can tend to be self-absorbed, self-centered, cold, not the person who can connect with another persons comfort or discomfort.

Could it be that:
Their stay at my sibling's place did not go well and they are now gravitating towards me, out of fear they may end up losing both their children?
I read somewhere "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, it means no one else accepted them either, so set them free again". Is this what it is?

I have just been responding to their emails in 1 sentence acknowledging but not adding anything else. I don't know what to make of this.

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moglow

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Re: Strange behavior from parents
« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2019, 01:20:22 PM »
Quote from: Amna
Could it be that:
Their stay at my sibling's place did not go well and they are now gravitating towards me, out of fear they may end up losing both their children?
I read somewhere "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, it means no one else accepted them either, so set them free again". Is this what it is?
Hey Amna! I hate being a cynic, but if I had to guess I'd say you're right. Mine has often made the rounds, misbehaving and pissing everyone around her off, then circling along to the next available [or most distant] one. No one is ever apprised of any but the worst of what happened with the one prior, she just drops that one like a hot rock and moves on, smearing you as she goes.

Frankly, at this point I'd probably be glad they visited sibling and not me. I don't want more than a very brief visit if that, forget being around mine for days. I just don't have that in me anymore.
ďNothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.Ē  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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nanotech

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Re: Strange behavior from parents
« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2019, 09:33:56 PM »
It could be too, that they were expecting more of a reaction from you regarding the huge attention they gave to the golden child?
Be very careful!!
It could be hoovering or love bombing so to reel you in, then -WHAM! 
Devalued/ discarded once again.
Itís all about creating drama.
I think itís sort of the only way PDs feel emotionally connected.

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Amna

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Strange behavior from parents AND Sibling
« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2019, 09:48:57 PM »

Thank you for your replies.

I spent some time reading this forum today. It is heart-breaking to see what all of us are going through. I updated my subject line because now suddenly my sibling, sibling-in-law all started sending emails. There was another similar thread about how this time away to lay low and quiet is so important to allow us to process and heal but they will simply not leave us alone.

So far I am keeping at delayed responses (days weeks later) in monosyllables that really don't say anything at all - like "read your email", "good to know", "how are you, i am fine...." type of responses.

I feel so alone and incomplete. I lost faith in my marriage too. I lost hope that I will have one person - any one person in this world anymore. I don't think my family will let me have one good relationship ever. Be it a friend, coworker, husband, in-laws, siblings, siblings-in-law, nieces, nephews, cousins... they will spread their tentacles everywhere. I see my GC sibling connected to ALL extended family and friends - relationships conveniently facilitated by my NPD parents. I have been abandoned by just about everyone - carefully designed by the same parents.

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overitall

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Re: Strange behavior from parents
« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2019, 01:33:57 AM »
Oh Amna,

Don't lose faith!!!  I survived years of abuse with uBPDm and uNPDf...they literally ruined my first marriage with their interferences, demands, etc.  YOU will become stronger and you will be able to protect yourself...Try not to give anyone in your FOO any information about your life (marriage, kids, job, etc.)  I have found that once they lose access, they don't have any ability to be a part of your life...it IS hard, very hard....I had to accept they my FOO is not normal...any information they have, they will use it against you...
When they become "friendly" they want something...it's that simple.....I was able to reconstruct my life after years of abuse...no connection to FOO...my life is completely separate...it's been almost 10 years...the best thing I ever did for myself

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Amna

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Re: Strange behavior from parents
« Reply #5 on: November 12, 2019, 02:11:06 AM »
Thanks for your response.

I have spent years in this mode fighting for privacy of my life. But as many on this forum have expressed, this struggle is so personal that others around like my husband for instance cannot comprehend why I experience so much anguish terror if my FOO comes to know some info about me that is just normal to share for him with family. I have now realized that the amount of stress I go through trying to build this fort around myself is exhausting and draining to say the least. So I just let things be. I donít go out of my way to volunteer info but if my FOO come to know through the grapevine I no longer stress myself. I cannot possibly control what others do or say to one another. I can only control my choices.

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illogical

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Re: Strange behavior from parents
« Reply #6 on: November 12, 2019, 12:38:27 PM »
Hi, Amna, and welcome to the forum!

...Try not to give anyone in your FOO any information about your life (marriage, kids, job, etc.)  I have found that once they lose access, they don't have any ability to be a part of your life...it IS hard, very hard....I had to accept they my FOO is not normal...any information they have, they will use it against you...
When they become "friendly" they want something...it's that simple....
.I was able to reconstruct my life after years of abuse...no connection to FOO...my life is completely separate...it's been almost 10 years...the best thing I ever did for myself

Two great points made by overitall,

1) Don't share any personal information because they will twist and spin and use it against you and to their advantage, in order to boost their false narrative-- in which they have "no idea what they have done" and "everything is your fault".
2) There is an agenda behind everything they do.

From what you have posted, they NEED you for something.  Maybe they have gotten inquires from friends/other extended family members regarding what's going on with you.  And they want you to fall back in line so they can present a "big happy family" image to all over the holidays.  And it may be no coincidence that this does, indeed, come at a time when the holidays are near at hand.  It has been my experience that with Ns, image is everything.  This need for a stellar image cannot be underestimated.

I agree with the other posters, as well.   Keep your distance and tread carefully.  It sounds like you are doing very well in keeping to your boundaries.  It also sounds like your sibling is aligning herself with your dad and mom to continue to try to make you the Scapegoat.  Stay strong!
« Last Edit: November 12, 2019, 12:40:13 PM by illogical »
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford

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mazenavigator

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Re: Strange behavior from parents
« Reply #7 on: November 12, 2019, 04:28:41 PM »
Quote
I have just been responding to their emails in 1 sentence acknowledging but not adding anything else. I don't know what to make of this.

^^ It sounds to me like you have a pretty good idea what to make of it.  The 1 sentence acknowledgements work great for stepping away from the drama, in my experience :)

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Amna

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Re: Strange behavior from parents
« Reply #8 on: December 02, 2019, 09:49:28 PM »
Thank you all to those who responded. Sorry, I intentionally stayed away from this forum as it was becoming too painful. Like someone else posted here recently saying therapy was making her feel worse. Each time i write or read, it is like re-living the experience again. The hardest part I am struggling with is having to let go of those whom I love because of my NPD family - because maintaining low profile, not sharing info, maintaining VLC means also distancing from their contact to protect my privacy. This is just so hard, so unfair, to self-isolate myself this way for no fault of mine. Thanks again and thank you for understanding.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Strange behavior from parents
« Reply #9 on: December 06, 2019, 12:30:54 PM »
Hi Anna, I just wanted to say it sounds like they're doing damage control of some sort and your one sentence acknowledgments are right in target.

I also experienced uPDm and enF stepping into every one of my relationships where we had mutual acquaintance - siblings and friends - and destroyed every one of them.

Please know you don't need to self isolate. Two things have helped me:

Super medium chill so they know nothing of be activities, friends, etc while I reached out building a whole new life they kmow nothing about. New friends, new interests, new schedule, everything an exciting journey of self discovery. (because once I individuated and separated I was truly my own person and able to begin fresh and new discovering and rediscovering activities and things I love to do)

The other thing that helped me greatly was becoming self sufficient in that I don't necessarily need particular individuals to fill my own needs. I've learned to be complete and whole from within myself. This doesn't mean I don't enjoy other's company. Quite the opposite, I love being with people more than ever before. But I don't *need* company to feel complete and I don't need any particular person so I can attend classes and workshops wihr total strangers and have a wonderful experience.

A bonus is because I'm not completely stressed from PD engagement I'm relaxed and quite free with others. I don't feel a need to attach, fix, help, insert myself in anyone's life of problems. I've found lots of people where we can just "be" in peaceful association in a shared experience.

Hoping you're able to find your peace and work through this challenge.
∑ Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage. Plan accordingly, make time to heal
∑ Individuation is the key to emotional freedom
∑ It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
∑ If others were self observant, introspective, this forum would not exist

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sandpiper

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Re: Strange behavior from parents
« Reply #10 on: December 14, 2019, 01:08:35 AM »
Hi Amna, I'm sorry you're going through this.
I just want to echo what Spring Butterfly has said.
It does take a lot of work and it helps to have some guidance (a good therapist, these boards, and some great books) but it is just a matter of shifting your trajectory and setting goals. It takes time but you can develop the skills to navigate all of this and by making small changes gradually, you will get there.
Can I suggest that you read up on the strategy of Grey Rock and Medium Chill.
After working on this for some years with my sister she finally grumbled down the phone at me 'Piper you are the most boring person I know.'
My response 'Yes, I'm sure you're right.'
When that didn't get a rise she announced that she had more important things to do - presumably bothering more reactive targets - and she ended the call.
It's a good thing she couldn't see me happy dancing up and down the hall way and punching the air shouting 'Yes!' Because my ambition in life had long been to become so boring to them that they simply wanted to find more satisfying outlets for their drama and their crazy-making.
That was a marvellous day.
Coming to these boards is a bit like being an alcoholic who starts attending meetings. One of the realisations that we all come to is that we are 'hooked' on the behaviour and we have to unlearn how to engage with them. It doesn't happen overnight and we all have bouts of slipping back into the traps.
It's an uphill struggle, but as one senior member at these boards said to me, many years ago 'Once you get to the top of the hill, the view from the mountain is worth it.'