Relationship With Parents

[GettingOOTF]

I couldn’t figure out whether this belongs here or not the PD Parents section.

Do you have a time in your childhood or general relationship with your parents that you look back on fondly?

Is there a part of the relationship you are trying to hold on to or get back to?

I have no happy memories of growing up and have had almost no relationship with my parents as an adult. Almost every interaction has been them insulting and abusing me.

I read all these posts where people seem to have such hope and that hope has to come from somewhere.

I have nothing like that. I was discussing with my therapist how I don’t see my finally going NC as a loss, that I see it as finally accepting there was nothing there and there never will be. I’m actually relieved to move on. I feel free of them.

I read posts about people feeling obligation or sadness about the loss of their relationship with their parents. I really don’t feel anything. I feel no connection or fondness. I don’t feel that “pull” towards them that I read about in psychology articles or that I hear about from other people. I never felt like I was part of the family. You read about people who were adopted who feel this connection to people they’ve never even met. 

I’m beginning to worry that I am missing a key part of what makes people human that that I’m not actually capable of having a close relationship or genuine feelings for another person.

[moglow]

... I read all these posts where people seem to have such hope and that hope has to come from somewhere.

I have nothing like that. I was discussing with my therapist how I don't see my finally going NC as a loss, that I see it as finally accepting there was nothing there and there never will be. I'm actually relieved to move on. I feel free of them.

I read posts about people feeling obligation or sadness about the loss of their relationship with their parents. I really don't feel anything. I feel no connection or fondness. I don't feel that "pull" towards them that I read about in psychology articles or that I hear about from other people. ...

I was one who had and held on to hope for far too long. I'd actually had flashes of another mother, one who can be charming, funny even - mainly with other people but even from that remove, I knew she was capable of it. And I'd do damn near anything to have it directed at me. I felt that pull because it seemed so cool to be a part of or recognized by the good mother. It took the better part of my life to realize that just wasn't going to happen. She "liked" me when she could use me as a backup to someone else's detriment [mocking, belittling, making someone the butt of her "jokes"]. I just failed to realize that's how she pretty consistently treated and talked to *me*.

The way I see it had she been consistently as vicious and venomous as she appears now, I could have let go. I could have walked away. There was always just enough "other" to make me want more, to make me want to dance with the devil. I now realize I was just another target and for many years appeared to be her favorite in that regard - I was the most vulnerable and I played into it, trying to gain her approval.

I was glad to grow up so I could leave her house. I was not a happy child and you can see it in the few pictures I've seen. But fond memories? Not with her. The one thing regarding mother that I look back on fondly is that she was a seamstress in my younger days - when I was a little girl [up to around 10 or so I think], she made us "matching" mother-daughter dresses for Easter and Mothers Day. To this day I love seersucker, gingham and dotted swiss fabrics! Unfortunately none of those dresses survived her purge when I left home. I'd have loved to have some of them, if only to dress dolls or use as quilting squares.

I understand the distance you speak of, a lack of connection. I definitely experience some of that myself, not always but it's there.

[theonetoblame]

I'm beginning to worry that I am missing a key part of what makes people human that that I'm not actually capable of having a close relationship or genuine feelings for another person.

Do you have feelings of closeness or wanting to be close with anyone else in your life?

While I wish things had been different in my childhood I share a lot of your feelings about my parents. While I still 'long' for something if I'm honest it's not actually a relationship, it's retribution and justice! This is not a place to start any relationship from.

I left NC with my enabling father that if he did some counseling and work on himself that I'd be open to hearing from him again. That was 10 years ago, he'll never take responsibility. When I'm honest with myself I realize I still replay a couple instances when he assaulted me with the thought that I should not have been so tolerant, that perhaps I'd feel more reconciled if I had truly fought back then rather than just securing my safety and walking away. This is just fueled by his ongoing refusal to take ownership and becomes more entrenched the further behind me he is.

I long for something, for sure, but it's not actually a relationship with him. I have other relationship that are healthy, I see this hardness in me as specific to this situation.

[lotusblume]

I see it as this way: fascist parents vs. Communist parents.

The fascists make it clear that everything about you is wrong, everything about them is right, that they hate you and will torture and destroy you in the name of hate to excercise totalitarianism. They don't put on an act.

The communists claim they love you, they just want what's best for you, and some of them even truly believe they are doing what's best for you. But there end goal is the same, power and totalitarianism, and they achieve this through double binds, punishment, brainwashing, and torture in the name of "love".

So there is nothing wrong with you. In fact, your parents transparency may be extremely helpful while of course being just as painful.

[SeaBreeze]

There were rare, precious times of downright normalcy with my late mother (uNPD, schizoaffective disorder, and my brother speculates possible Asperger's, which led to poverty, instability, emotional incest...)  I clung to those "normal" times like a life preserver. I wondered why she couldn't be that way all the time. I waited for the inevitable shoe to drop. It wasn't always bad; she wasn't always bad. When she died, I found I had already mourned the loss, of what I had hoped for her to be as a mother, years before.  I don't remember the good times fondly so much as I do bittersweetly.

[athene1399]

when I grieved my childhood it wasn't out of sadness for my parents as much as a sadness of who they are not. After being with SO, he's so caring, validating, understanding, ect. I grieved that my parents were never a fraction of what he is. i see him parent SD and am a little jealous I couldn't know a relationship like that sooner. He sometimes offers me advice I could picture a dad giving their kid and I liked it, but it's also weird because I never had that. So I grieved for that. Without SO, I don't think I would have grieved at all. I wouldn't have known what was missing.

Maybe some of this is what you are describing: I feel I could never talk to people again and it wouldn't phase me. Maybe it would, but I feel it wouldn't. I visit my best friend because I know she will miss me if I don't. I like spending time there when I am there, but the act of going there is a lot of effort. Like the thought of going there is too much, but once I am there i have a good time. I'm like that with everything. If I didn't put the effort in to do things or see people, I don't think I would notice how much time elapsed between visits unless someone brought it up. It's the same with my parents. i go there when they invite me. I wouldn't say I've ever wanted to go there. i just feel it makes them happy. And I don't talk to them about anything I'm not comfortable with them knowing. Sometimes the conversation is very superficial. It's better that way. I don't see them half as much as sis does. Mom wishes I'd visit more. I visit as much as I want. They don't have any power over me anymore and things aren't too bad while I am there (most of the time).

I don't miss anyone aside from my pets. I really love SO, but I don't miss him when he is gone. But there has been times when I want him home. It's weird. I feel I have too much anxiety around people and that gets in the way. LIke when I am with someone I worry about what I am going to say, how much I am talking, etc. It's not as bad with SO because he doesn't mind me being quiet, but sometimes he wishes I talk a bit more. So sometimes I feel like I have to talk more. With My pets, they are excited no matter what. They don't expect anything of me. Or at least, I don't feel they expect anything of me. I'm sure some of it with people is my perceptions about what they are thinking that gets in the way.

The only good times in childhood was just me and sis. I kind of raised her (and only 3 yrs older).  I remember a few photo-type memories that were good with my parents (like just an image and not much more). But I was very young. Mom couldn't handle having two kids IMO, so things got crazy after sis was born. And I had to watch her and take care of her from a young age. She has no memories of my parents taking care of her. ONly me. I do remember some things that pissed me off as a teen with my parents. I remember being made to feel like crap. I don't really have fond memories of them aside from a few jokes or whatever. Honestly, I'm more pissed about my childhood than anything. But I guess that's a part of the process.

Sorry if I'm rambling. I feel I do that a lot.