What should I say?

[Associate of Daniel]

Who would have thought there would be a need to ask how to respond to someone saying "hello" to you?

UNPD exH and his uNPD wife have, for several years now, not said boo to each other at pickups etc..

I stopped saying "hello" because the uNPD wife was continually agressive. Still is.

Lately she (and he - she writes many of his emails, passing herself off to be him) has been putting a clause in the emails "requesting" that I refer to ds by his "preferred" (according to them) name in my email communications to uNPD exH.

I've ignored the repeated (word for word) "requests".

So now, the uNPD wife has started to say "hello (insert my preferred name)." at pickups.

At first ds was really shocked that she'd called me by my preferred name, something she's refused to do for years.  We both had a laugh.

But common courtesty demands I respond.

So I've said "hello, uNPD exH's uNPD wife." in return and walked off with ds.

But she'll want more if I keep responding to her hellos.

UNPD exH says nothing and basically stands there like a stunned mullet.

So, I don't really know what my question is, as I don't know where she's leading.

Will she verbally request that I refer to ds by his "preferred" name, since she's now supposedly referring to me by mine?

If so, what should I say?

My thinking is, "Thanks but that's between ds and me."

If I say that though, she'll push for more verbal interraction, and accuse me of not giving ds what he "wants".

Any ideas?

AOD

[Crushed_Dad]

I would address it when it becomes something other than hellos. Just say it's best we communicate this over email so there's no misunderstanding? If pressed just reiterate this is why you've come to that conclusion and that you wont be making any kind of scene in front of your child or in public.

[athene1399]

I would suggest if she tries to suck you into a conversation, say something like "Sorry to cut this short, but we got to go..." and just kind of walk away. And if she tries to bring up anything aside from the weather, I like Crushed_Dad's "it's best we discuss this later via email."

And I think you have a good idea of saying "that's between DS and me" if uNPDsm brings up his name. I find it odd they're tell you to call him by his "preferred" name instead of him. That feels to me like they are the ones pushing for it.

And I completely understand why you would be thrown off by her "hello". If neither of them talked to you or called you by your preferred name, now all of a sudden she is, it feels like something is up (here's the reminder that I have trust issues, so keep that in mind when reading my response  ). I would feel like she's being nice all of a sudden because she wants something. I guess you'll know if that is correct when they ask. Plus you describe her as uNPD, so I would assume she may knows how to charm people to get what she wants, and maybe this is what she's doing.

And if she's trying to push you together "because of what DS wants", you guys can coparent just fine by communicating via email. You two don't suddenly have to be "best friends". Maybe come up with a polite way to say that just in case she does bring it up. Like "it's nothing personal, but the way we are discussing things about DS via email works well for us and I don't want to change that."

When SD's mom is over the top nice to me, it puts me on edge. I feel like she is just doing it to make herself look good. She's not doing it to be nice to me. We chit chat a little, but it's not really about anything more than small talk. If I saw her outside at pickups/dropoffs I would wave and keep the window of the car up. I figured I should at least acknowledge I saw her. It felt weird pretending she didn't exist (which is what SO tries to do. Which I get. If she was my ex, I'm sure I would act different that I do). IDK for sure, but I feel the level of interaction should  be what you are comfortable with and don't let anyone guilt you into talking/interacting more than you want to.  You still have a right to your boundaries.

[mamato3]

Is his "preferred" name something other than what you actually named him? If so, I'd simply respond that you're going to keep calling your child by the name you gave him when you gave birth to him. And walk away. If not, I'd ignore her. She doesn't get to dictate what you call your own son. Ever.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, everyone.

Crushed Dad, I agree about not addressing it unless it becomes an issue and then referring to email communication only.

Athene, I completely understand the "trust issues".  I'm right there with you and believe we both have very valid reasons for them. 

I don't trust this woman at all and I just know that she is angling for something.  It might be the name thing.  It might just be her needing more attention.  I know that her MIL (my exMIL) has blocked all communication with her, so maybe she's feeling lost without that source of attention.

Mamato, ds's "preferred" name is a shortened version of his official name.

I call him all sorts of names - official, "preferred", and all sorts of endearments.

The only time he mentions that he prefers the shortened version of his name is straight after spending time with his uNPD father and uNPD smum.  Go figure.

Anyway, we'll see what happens in a few days at the next pickup.

AOD

[Stepping lightly]

Hi AoD,

I would ignore the "request" in the email, this is so out of bounds for NPDwife to even talk to you about IMO.  Even for NPDx to dictate what you call your child, unless you are calling him something offensive or mean, is none of their business.  I wonder if you could talk to DS about it, not right when he comes back, but once he has settled in with you a bit during your time.  Just ask him, "Hey, I hear you have a preference  on your name, but I want to know what YOU really prefer", if he prefers the shortened name- no big whoop.  As DH and I have had to discuss before, is this the hill we want to die on?  I think asking DS at the right time will go a long way with him.  Even if he says he prefers the shortened name, and it sorta feels like it was influenced by NPDwife- you may be making his life easier by complying. Keep your focus on him and what he actually wants and needs.  Opening up the communication in a safe/open way, will likely make it easier for him to start talking to you about things...and you can help him navigate sticky situations.  Look at this as a gift, an opportunity to show your son you are a safe landing place, you are there to protect and help him.

As far as the "hello", it makes me laugh that PDs do this to us.  A couple years ago, I missed 1 athletic event because I was out of town for work, and she made DSD feel like I didn't care about her because I couldn't be bothered to show up.  So the next event, I literally flew in from a 10 hour foreign flight, drove an hour and a half in traffic and make it to her event.  After the event, since DH and I drove separately...I was walking to my car and I could see BM out of the corner of my eye.  Every muscle in my body was tense, I was on high alert, and she said, "Hi SL, Sooooo glad you could make it today".  And I was so in my alarm state I didn't catch her sarcasm and I called back with "Thanks!!!!  Me too!!!".  I got to the car and realized....OHHHHH...she was being snarky.  But I was so happy with my oblivious response, because she didn't see that she had gotten to me.  Honestly, it still makes me chuckle!  Anyway, respond how you feel fit, but sometimes the cheerful "Hello" that doesn't linger for further engagement is good for the soul.  If she tries to engage, just nicely say "I'm sorry, I don't have time for a chat today, please email me" and walk away. 

Don't let them get to you, be happy...and if you are struggling with "being happy", pretend to be happy/content in their presence...and soon enough....actual happiness might seep in a bit.  After DH lost custody, I remember being at an event, and BM was present.  DH and I were laughing about something, and I remember thinking, "This must be so confusing to her, she just screwed DH over massively, accused him of horrible things, there was also a death of a close family member that we'd had been taking care of at exactly the time of court; and we can still laugh".  No matter what, "we can still laugh" because we have each other....and people can try to hurt us....but focus on the idea that "life is good" no matter what.

[Free2Bme]

 

AOD,
This is outrageous,  I don't even know her and I'm simmering with my mama-claws out.  How dare she tell you what to call your own child!
How about tell her, "Look, I have a prefered name for you NPDwife, but I refrain from calling you this name".  (not serious, but it would be tempting).

Seriously, I agree 100% with Stepping Lightly and would certainly have a 1:1 dialogue with DS about this.  In a casual non-pressure way, I would broach the subject and make sure he is OK. ( Just in case dad/NPDwife are putting a trip on him).  I would totally defer to DS preference, with understanding that he can change his mind at anytime.  I would use this as an opportunity to strengthen bonds with DS and I wouldn't give her an inch of ground to think she had any power over my relationship with DS.   At pickup/dropoff, I would be light hearted and unaffected, don't let her throw you off internally  (=payoff).

When they go "low"..... you go "high".

[Associate of Daniel]

Thank-you, everyone.

It's funny.  Many of you seem more angry about the name thing than I am.  Thank-you for your support though.

I have spoken with ds about the names on a couple of occasions.  It doesn't seem to be an issue for him though, unless the pds bring it up with him.

So I'm inclined not to speak with him about it again unless he brings it up, which he rarely does.

I struggled not to laugh at pickup tonight.

The uNPD smum said the "hello AOD" thing again, this time accompanied by a little Look At Me dance.  Very weird and comical. Surely her uNPD husband (my ex) must have thought "what in the world...?"

At least I didn't get any other verbal intertaction though.

AOD

[athene1399]

The uNPD smum said the "hello AOD" thing again, this time accompanied by a little Look At Me dance

How bizarre.  At least she didn't try to drag you in into a conversation. But that must have made the moment a little awkward, yet probably a little funny looking back.

[Associate of Daniel]

Yeah.

And then then the next night I got the "hello AOD" from her again, accompanied by some verbal sound from uNPD exH.  I assume his was meant to be "hello AOD" but it was indecipherable.

I just said hello back and walked away with ds.

I've realised they are probably doing this in response to the counsellor uNPD exH and I have been seeing (seperately) for child focussed counselling.

She did run through with me about conversations at pickups (before all these hellos from them started) and I said that the current situation was the best for ds and I wasn't willing to attempt to change it.

There will only be drama if there is any interraction at all.  She seemed ok with my thinking.

But the uNPD smum has probably picked up on this as a way to draw attention to herself and to say to others "see? Look.  I'm doing the right thing.  AOD isn't."

As it is, ds thinks this whole hello thing is weird and feels really awkward about it.

For me it's tiresome, and makes me a little on edge.

Another frustrating thing is that ds is old enough to come down to me without them. Afterall, they send him up the road on his own for his haircuts and to pick up their dinner orders.

I've suggested it to him a few times but he seems reluctant to bring it up with them .

In fact he said that his uNPD smum and uNPD dad like to come down with him to upset me.  He was half joking but he was absolutely right.

Anyway, hopefully he'll start to stand up to them soon and this will blow over.

AOD

[Whiteheron]

But the uNPD smum has probably picked up on this as a way to draw attention to herself and to say to others "see? Look.  I'm doing the right thing.  AOD isn't."

I think this is most likely. It sounds a lot like what stbx was trying to do right after meeting our new judge (who told us to communicate more). I received several lengthy texts that were so out of the ordinary they made my skin crawl. My L said I needed to play along since he was likely trying to show the judge "hey look, I'm trying to follow your suggestion, but whiteheron won't make an effort." He gets to play the victim (to my MC) and I'm the bad guy. I did play into it a little - MC responses instead of no response. I guess he didn't get what he wanted because I haven't heard a peep out of him lately. Who knows.

Hopefully NPDsmum will tire of her little game and go back to leaving you alone.

[Associate of Daniel]

It continues.

And uNPD exH has become braver now, actually using words instead of mumbling.

It's just such a farce.

They speak really loudly and I'm standing only a couple of metres away from them.

It's the whole "look at me" thing.  Gah!

Thankfully no conversations though. Yet.

AOD

[Whiteheron]

Oh yes, the loud speaking in front of others. Drives me batty. I can hear him just fine...and I believe people on the other side of the building can too.  As if he has to shout so there is no doubt he's trying to "make an effort." It's nauseating. Look at me! Look at me!