icky compromises

[Pepin]

Lately I have been finding myself grinding my teeth again over PDMil and how she will fit into the holidays.  Yes, we get Thanksgiving to ourselves and managed to escape spending all the holidays with her last year, too.  But it seems that there is no escape when married to a man that is in the FOG. 

Ugh, to get out of having PDMil at our home, I was going to suggest gathering with other family members and going out on Xmas Eve or even the day before. 

Do I feel guilty about an old lady spending Xmas Day at home or possibly even Xmas Eve?  Yes, absolutely.  Does she even realize though how much of a challenge she has been over the years?  Has she ever put herself in my shoes?  No and NO. 

PDMil has been exhausting to deal with and it has been even more exhausting living with a husband who as smart as he is, just doesn't get it. 

This morning I was thinking how this is really all DH's fault.  Whenever we have gotten together, he has done a poor job at facilitating any sort of communication between her and anyone else.  He generally stays by her side...doesn't matter if we are at a large family gathering or a small party.  He is there to protect her.  He doesn't do that for me, his wife, or our children.  He insists that we operate independently....and largely, I do that now.  I don't need DH to be by my side and our children don't really need him much either. 

It is such an odd dynamic.  PDMil on the other hand, is so selfish...because any "normal" mother in law would let her son and daughter in law act naturally in her presence, no?  Instead, interactions are awkward and exhausting.  How can she think that my DH always being by her side -- leaving me to be a third wheel -- is healthy?  Because she is a PD.  I am sad that she cannot see this and I am even sadder that DH can't see it either.  *sigh*

[Starboard Song]

I'm so sorry.

I hope you have all the strength you need through these holidays.

[ladybirdgirl]

Pepin I'm so sorry that you are going through this and it is not ok that you are being made to feel this way. Your DH should be supporting you.

I'm sorry that I don't have a solution, I just wanted to let you know that I understand.

[Starboard Song]

Pepin,

Without asking or expecting for immediate change, please share your feelings with DH. Consider thinking of the exact vignette from a previous year that highlights the feeling. Maybe some other woman and her husband were together, riffing off each other as they told a funny vacation story like married couples do, and you regretted being alone, and him being alone. Maybe there was an awkward social moment that made you feel very alone, and it was just the sort of moment when you admire his strength or wit, when he is by your side.

Just pointing out that, in these simple vignettes from the past, you realized that it is not for nothing that he is your DH, and you'd appreciate him splitting his time more equitably this year. That you want to be holding his hand more minutes this year. Well, it will at least be a kind compliment.

As a DH myself, and one of the watchdog variety, I just want to encourage you to let him know that, while it is ever so hard to do it all, his mother is not the only woman to whom he owes his chivalric guard.

But you've got your own history, and this may be terrible advice. So grain of salt and all that. I just like to encourage us all to demystify these things by pretending nothing so complex as a PD is involved. And in the normal world, like going to a corporate party where you don't know anyone and wanting him to stay near you for introductions, you'd just tell him your needs and he'd do his best and that would be the end of it. If only it were all so simple.

Good luck.