My eldest sister has a tyrant personality - venting post

[bookbutterfly]

I've started EMDR therapy recently.
Yesterday we worked on some of my early memories.

It was so difficult. The therapist kept asking me about how 'I' felt and what 'I' wanted at the time. Through being asked that, I realised...I have very little 'I' from that period in time. Instead, my immediate answers focus around my eldest sister - how to avoid her, how to placate her, how to get around her personality so she would leave me alone and I would feel safe.

I have very little memories of 'I' and what my needs, wants and feelings are from that area. All I remember is feeling frozen, staring. I had no words to things that were happening when i was 5, and that as an adult, I can see are way beyond the capability of that age group. My sister was a teenager and used to insist on introducing concepts into my life that I didn't understand but that I knew made me feel scared, alone and icky.

She used to treat me like her little slave. She used to berate, humiliate, hit and order me around. I was so scared of her, but felt it was pointless to speak out because my mother was horrible, angry and impatient. One time I couldn't take it anymore and I begged my mum not to leave me alone with my sister. I told her not to tell her I'd said that because then I would get hit and things would get worse. She looked at me and went and told her anyway and I felt so betrayed.

These memories seem frozen in my mind. I can't believe the realisations that I basically lived my whole childhood in fear with no idea of what i wanted, liked or a sense of self.

Well....except from the library. My dad took me to the central library and it was amazing...it was so big, with so many floors, and the floors were made of multi-coloured tiles and I was so excited, I didn't know where to start with exploring! I was bursting with happiness  and then I thought about all the books about the babysitters club that they would have which was a long series of books....my regular library was only little and only stocked a couple of them so this place was like a fortress for my favourite stories.
And when it rained outside and it was cosy inside, the library was my heaven.

My family were always so impatient with my 'boring' hobbies that didn't involve scamming or talking bad about others or cheating or lying and would say I was boring, or naiive, or some kind of hopeless case when to me, they were the ones who were all those things and I felt sorry for them because they could never experience the kind of joy I experienced in the library. The EMDR therapist told me to run with this memory and instead imagine my favourite teacher taking me there, and she would sit with her own book and cup of coffee and let me spend as much time as I'd like exploring and reading and she wouldn't tap her nails in exasperation or yell at me or complain that I was ruining her day by wanting to read instead of running around doing her bidding which always involved doing and saying horrible, spiteful things to/about others.

[Hazy111]

Not wishing to get into diagnosing your family members, but it does suggest PD.  If you want to know more about your familys dysfunction , by what you describe i would suggest "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Lawson. I think it would really resonate with you.

There are many people that visit this site that can totally relate to your upbringing. Im glad the EDMR is working.

Feel free to vent its part of the cathartic process and i would guess youve got an awful lot to unload. 

[bookbutterfly]

Thank you! I will check that out, I am currently absorbing all the information I  can get my hands on.

I really do feel like I have so much to get out of my system. Sometimes I don't know where to start.
I feel so brainwashed, I became aware today of how I see myself in terms of how much I can serve others....am i pretty enough? young enough? smart enough? can i be fun enough, cook well enough, have all the answers - to-everyone's-problems enough?
I thought about where this stems from and traced it back to my mum and brother who drilled it into me that females are just objects to be utilised. It sickens and disgusts me.
I remember coming home in my late teens/early adulthood after making new friends, excited to tell my mother and show her pictures of our social gatherings and she literally....looked at them and i could see in her mind, she was sizing up how useful commodities they might be. She would think its normal to literally treat people as if they were objects - and do weird, creepy things if they were pretty or rich enough like suggest they could be suitable wife material for my brother. Ewwww its grossing me out even just to think this through, I've blocked all these awful memories out.

Its so creepy, I can't handle it.

Part of it was her backwards culture where women are more...sort of seen as nurturing and in a way, to serve others. But I knew other people of this culture who didn't behave and talk in this creepy way, they had limits, boundaries. She didn't think it abnormal at all to only be interested in my news of new friends (or anything else for that matter) if she could size up some kind of 'winnings' from me. I grew up thinking this was NORMAL and even felt at one point, it was my duty to find my brother a suitable girlfriend/wife, even though he treated his own girlfriend like trash because 'she is only to be used before marriage'.

Its sickening. I cannot believe I bought into all that. I even at one point offered to him set him up with a friend when she confided in me she was looking for a partner. Thank god something kicked in and I had a bad feeling and withdrew the offer at the last minute.
Why on earth did I ever feel it was MY responsibility to find a partner for my lazy, abusive, mysoginistic creep of a brother? I remember one time when I was teen I  let him have my friend's number from my phone feeling like i had to find him happiness...when i think back to why now, all i remember is unless I was saying/doing/offering something that benefited someone in my family's warped self-entitlement, I would literally be ignored/yelled at/dismissed/berated. I was only treated with any bit of decency and attention when I offered them something that sparked their interest.

I feel really gross in my own skin thinking of this. As if I was a part of some cult where I was brainwashed. I wish I didn't have awareness of any of this 

[bookbutterfly]

I had a terrible night realising more and more and more.

I remembered countless occasions where I felt it was my job and complete urgency to solve and fix and provide answers and reassurances for EVERYBODY....friends/family/co-workers!
If someone felt lonely and afraid of the future, I'd panic that they are feeling bad and hopeless and desperately search for an answer and/or a suitable partner for them to give them hope...
If my sister felt unhappy in her career and wanted to explore her options, I'd email/research/call different institutions to find out what was available for her and provide constant reassurance, advice and support

The list is endless. I cannot believe the awareness I'm having. I can't believe I spent so many years living for and through others.

I'm in a state of shock.
And I had horrible dreams of being abandoned by my family for sticking up for myself and now i feel empty and alone.

[nanotech]

Keep going, stay strong and optimistic; you are on your way to your freedom.
It's a bit like being born again. It involves pain and upset to begin with.
It's overwhelming.
You will feel lonely, sad and abandoned.

But then.... you get to breathe!

I've been there. I can't believe now,  how I would have to run round fixing all of my family, achieving success then never having it acknowledged and in fact being scapegoated for it.
Fun times. 
Keep strong. There's a tribe of us on here for you. There are also friends you are yet to meet in your daily life who will become accessible ( as you become happier and freer time- wise).
Trust me. I'm pretty introverted and unsociable ( or so my FOO  told me for years) but im Out of the FOG 4 years now and I just do healthy relationships!
You've come far! 👍🏼❤️

[bookbutterfly]

Keep going, stay strong and optimistic; you are on your way to your freedom.
It's a bit like being born again. It involves pain and upset to begin with.
It's overwhelming.
You will feel lonely, sad and abandoned.

But then.... you get to breathe!

I've been there. I can't believe now,  how I would have to run round fixing all of my family, achieving success then never having it acknowledged and in fact being scapegoated for it.
Fun times. 
Keep strong. There's a tribe of us on here for you. There are also friends you are yet to meet in your daily life who will become accessible ( as you become happier and freer time- wise).
Trust me. I'm pretty introverted and unsociable ( or so my FOO  told me for years) but im Out of the FOG 4 years now and I just do healthy relationships!
You've come far! 👍🏼❤️

Thank you for this burst of hopefulness. I really enjoyed reading that and needed it today.
You're right about it being like born again...my goodness. But first, all this mixture of emotions. I feel like I've been fried like scrambled eggs  but, I'm not running this time. 

[nanotech]

Yes, you are facing the chaos. Acknowledging it.
No wonder you feel like scrambled eggs!
I half hoped that I could change them, but no.
They can't be changed. They all just want me back as family fixer, useful to them once more and then easy to discard.
Sad to say it , but if I'm not serving, then they don't want to know me.
But they STILL want to know all ABOUTme. They want that juicy social media contact, they want all of the details of my life, my trials and problems when I get them, em, so that can gleefully shoot me down in flames to all who will listen, while pretending to be supportive and loving.
Not
Happening
Any
More.
I blocked them on social media.  They were using it to bully and coerce. I stopped that.

You've been though enough already.
I love that books saved you.
I love libraries too.

[bookbutterfly]

Yes, you are facing the chaos. Acknowledging it.
No wonder you feel like scrambled eggs!
I half hoped that I could change them, but no.
They can't be changed. They all just want me back as family fixer, useful to them once more and then easy to discard.
Sad to say it , but if I'm not serving, then they don't want to know me.
But they STILL want to know all ABOUTme. They want that juicy social media contact, they want all of the details of my life, my trials and problems when I get them, em, so that can gleefully shoot me down in flames to all who will listen, while pretending to be supportive and loving.
Not
Happening
Any
More.
I blocked them on social media.  They were using it to bully and coerce. I stopped that.

You've been though enough already.
I love that books saved you.
I love libraries too.

Seriously...is there is factory out there that actually churns out dysfunctional families? Everything you described is EXACTLY how my family operates too. Better to be scrambled eggs in the interim than like them! I know exactly what you mean about the wanting juicy info. I received an email recently to my alternate email address saying my other account has had the password altered with, which also occurred about 2 months ago and I have a sneaking suspicion its one of them. It would be so typical. I changed my details and made my privacy settings different.
Their inability to understand that my options are not limited to 'on their terms only' doesn't seem to compute. Um, no, not going to happen. 

I'm very happy for you that you have broken away and books/libraries are the best!!! I live away from the city f my childhood now but I'm getting urges to go to that amazing library with all the tiles....and why should that city be ruined and a no-go for me just because of disordered family? I deserve to enjoy it as much as anyone else and I want to turn the associations into pretty ones where i get to enjoy the architecture, books, shopping and beautiful nature.

[bookbutterfly]

Did anyone else feel....extreme shock after going through the grief and constant guilt after initiating NC, to find that the other person didn't even care or go through anything at all?

I went no contact with my younger sister a few years ago. After months of the unbearable grief, constant crying and feelings of guilt - at one point even feeling extreme guilt to think she could be experiencing the same feelings of grief I was over breaking contact - I found out from another sibling that she hadn't even been affected at all, and was continuing life as normal, making demands of everyone around her. I was so shocked! I didn't know exactly what I was expecting but loss affects me....I just assumed everybody feels difficult feelings after a loss. It reminded me of another time when I decided to have space from her for a for weeks and finally when I spoke to her to resolve the issue and she said 'I haven't even been thinking about you or any of this at all, I've had so many things going on and YOU haven't even bothered to be there to ask about or help me with any of them'! It made me think I would always be merely an instrument of service to her.

I just can't believe the depths of self-absorbed attitudes PD people genuinely feel entitled to.
Just some thoughts I've been having recently.