Trying to Find Me Again

[Bemeagain]

Who am I? I am a 59 y/o woman who married young to a guy who was cruel and I never knew which way the wind was blowing. So, I had four kids with him. Yeah..Dumb. We divorced and I was single for 9 years until I married a really good looking guy who seemed to be my soul mate. We were so much alike, I felt like a knew him all my life.
Long story short, turns out he is a covert narcissist who deserves an award for the way he used the silent treatment to get and do what he wanted. He would never discuss anything like finances and his need to hoard animals and things. I was like a frog in boiling water. I knew things were not good but I worked continually to make his life better and to have our dream life. In the meantime, I kept thinking that at some point I would say things the right way and he would wake up and say " Oh my gosh, I get it now"  But living with a person like him, totally destroyed me.  When my eyes were finally opened to how bad things really were and as I started to draw boundaries with him, he got meaner and meaner and began to threaten my life. So, in 2015, I ran with only my car, laptop and part of my clothes. I came back to my State, got a new job and got a little rental house and tried to figure out how to live again.  The hardest thing is my best friend of  20 years and my adult daughters all sided with Mr. Charming.  They did not live with him and I always kept my personal stuff private. But he is so cute and sweet not one of them believed anything I told them about how he behaved. My daughters finally get it because they see how he has behaved in the last four years but,  the lack of support  when I really needed them really hurt me and caused me to become more isolated.
Three years ago, I started a new hobby and ended up meeting a guy who was really nice to me. He said he loved me, spent money on me and even discussed all of the fun things we would do together. Since I moved in with him, he has become more and more controlling and possessive. He wanted me to sign a medical release to allow him to talk to my doctors, wants me to put his name on my checking account and has accused me of cheating. Then when I told him NO to the release and checking account, he got very angry and we ended arguing about how I obviously don't really care that much for him.  When I told him how hurtful it was to be accused of cheating on him, he claimed it was just a discussion about what he had been told by someone and I took everything he said and twisted it.
That is just the tip of the iceberg and so today, I bought a cheap RV and am moving into an RV park. I hope he doesn't fight me about taking my dogs and hope I can continue with my hobby since he and I are on the same teams. I need to find myself again but I have no idea how. I do not trust anyone and don't know how to heal. I just want to live in peace with my dogs but I don't know if I will ever feel joy again.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome,

What you said at the end of your post makes sense. Trust was broken with the people you had relationships with, and felt close to.

I am glad you found this forum. There are many people here who have had their hearts broken by people like this too. And the toolbox here summarizes the work that we so, in our own time at our own pace. When I joined here I had boundaries with some people, but problems with others. Reading and sharing here can help you sort out which steps are going to be the next ones for you.

Have you read up on love bombing? It is when a narcissistic person presents us with a lot of positive feeling attention, gifts, and seems agreeable and generous, usually at the start of a relationship with them.

Trees