Husband finally served and removed from home!

[Scaredkat]

Hi
For almost three weeks my daughter and I have lived in a friends house. The sheriff's office has tried to serve my husband the order of protection, which includes removal from the home.
Finally tonight they succeeded!
The sheriff said to not go home tonight. My husband had clearly been drinking. "Let him sober up over night and then go back home tomorrow."

I am not allowed to change the locks. I ordered door jammers and temporary alarms for the doors.

And now to the messed up part: my constant ongoing in-head battle/conversation between battered woman and logical woman.
BW "I went too far! He's going to be so angry! I'm just being over dramatic, he didn't hit me"
LW: "What? You can't threaten people for years and finally tell them that you will kill them and think you can get away with it? Shush BW, this is messed up. There are consequences to bad actions!"

When will that battle between the battered woman and the logical woman end?

[GettingOOTF]

Congrats. This is huge. It will make such a difference to be back in your own home.

It's been years for me. The BW's voice is still there but it's not as constant or as loud. LW is the dominating voice now. The further away you get from him the more you will start to see the situation for what it is, start to make sense of it and to heal.

I found Codependent No More and Why Does He Do That? invaluable to my finally having the strength to leave and rebuild my life. 

[sad_dog_mommy]

The longer you are away from the day-to-day interaction with your husband you will find the Logical Woman's voice will be the only thing you hear in your head.   It takes time but you will feel better each day.  I think of abusive relationships like an allergy.  As soon as I eliminated the thing that was making me sick (exBDPbf) I no longer felt the symptoms (panic and fear).  It is a little harder when you there are children because you cannot fully go 'no contact' but you did the right thing for you and your daughter and that is all that matters.

I personally believe verbal abuse is just as painful as physical abuse.  My ex never hit me.... BUT he pushed me down.  He threw things at me (including a chair).  He blocked me from leaving the bedroom when we were fighting.  He punched walls.  He pushed a 55" LED TV off a cabinet.  He would drive fast and dangerously to scare me.   In hindsight I realized I walked on eggshells for the majority of the relationship because I was dreading the next (irrational) rage.

You took the first step in reclaiming your life and you should be very proud of yourself because it was not easy.  Stay strong. 

((( hug )))

p.s.  If you haven't started one, I found that writing in a journal was a great way to get all the 'stuff' out of my head and on to paper.  Just write whatever is on your mind.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi scaredkat,

That is progress that they got their task done with serving him.

I often suggest the book C-PTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker because of his section on what to do with the inner critic.

Both BW and LW have a feeling or set of feelings about how to survive , but the part of you that questions whether you should leave him and serve him with papers, does she sometimes doubt herself because she doesn't fully believe that thriving is possible?

After years of PD abuse, albeit with a parent, I had to learn what thriving would mean for me. So when I ask you this question, it comes from a place of experience.

When we are in an abusive relationship we become good at surviving. That's a book I recommend for this question you asked, because what we did to survive, we grow out of that after we leave the abuser. We need to validate that and he explains it really well I think.

[Scaredkat]

Thank you so much for your support.
I'm still scared to be living here. Not allowed to change locks, so I ordered all sorts of temporary door jammers.
I've gotten some of the book recommendations and will start reading tonight.

He is turning his family against me. No surprise. I know this through messages from his family. I do not reply!
It's a pity. I love them. They are a crazy bunch, but I really do love them.
They will never see my side.

My MIL called my Dad when this whole mess started. My father said it's between me and my husband and the court. He told her he doesn't feel comfortable discussing our relationship with her.
(We are in our early 50ies, and his mom is still trying to fix his messes?)
My father said : "she just kept talking and talking after I already told her I don't want to discuss it, so , I'm sorry, but I hung up on her."

Good for my Dad!

[Liftedfog]

I had to do same and got a court order for exclusive possession. In my country, the order stated I was allowed to change locks.  Are you sure you can't change the locks?  Unfortunately, it was not safe living in the home with a psychotic man on the loose.  I didn't trust he would keep away from the home with me and kids in it. I didn't want to live with fear. So I was able to sell it without his consent with the court order.   And the lawyers have been eating up the equity ever since.

[treesgrowslowly]

Good for you! Look at all the boundaries you (and your Dad) have.

Well what I have learned from leaving abusive relationships and having the PD person get people "on their side" is that people will believe what they want to believe.

Hang in there.

Yes, there are some great books and websites now for these topics. Hope you find some helpful stuff in your upcoming reading.

Trees