There and Back Again

Started by pipchick, November 16, 2019, 08:30:35 AM

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PeanutButter

 :cheers:
You are almost there.
I LOVE that terminator quote. I had never heard that before. But oh so true!
Do you think M is trying to 'catch' you or figure out what you are up to by staying home from work?
I suggest saying that you "will figure something out later" and not letting her 'use' the dogs to emotionally blackmail you to stay. You may have to leave them behind. You HAVE to save YOURSELF IME first before you can help anyone else.
Im so glad the counseling went well.
Good luck!!
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

NumbLotus

You are KICKING ASS and TAKING NAMES.

This random Internet stranger has had Wednesday on her mind - knowing it's a big day for you.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

pipchick

Thank you, PeanutButter and NumbLotus :)

I'll confess here that this is very big for me. I've only lived away from her twice in my entire life. Once as soon as I could get away from home at 18, but my coping strategies at that time involved copious amounts of alcohol, so that went about as well as you can expect. Also, I ended up in a relationship with a pillock (surprise!)... so I ended up back home, bruised and battered. Literally.

The second time was just after my Dad and my brother checked out. I managed about a year at work before I got so depressed I was nearly catatonic and couldn't do anything anymore. Back home for me... where I've been ever since.

Why do I think I'll make it this time? Because I've figured out that my mother is not good for my mental health for starters. I don't drink, and haven't for the last twenty-five years. I am aware of what self-sabotage is, I see when I have engaged in it in the past, and I know I can learn to do all the things I need to... like budget. Seems like half the battle is valueing oneself enough to desire it deep down, not just on the surface where the words are, but also in the parts of yourself that have no words. With the aid of my new therapist, I can find ways to work on that.

It's going to be good. And peaceful. And I'm going to want to fight for that, for it to continue.

PeanutButter... I think M was hoping I'd ask her why she wasn't at work this morning, then she could demand to know something in return. Also, I think she wanted to feel powerful by having information that I wanted, because I think it's been the other way around lately. Unfortunately for her, I went out in the morning and didn't say where I was going, since usually she'd have been at work anyway, and she isn't really talking to me because she thinks that still works. She actually probably thinks it's pretty clever to be silent with me while she has new man to laugh and joke with. She's deliberately isolating me, but I'm too busy packing up my stuff to care much.

Either there will be a confrontation tomorrow or there wont. I hope there won't, because the only one of us who would relish the drama is her. I just want to be free. I don't want to hurt her, or punish her. I just want to be me. Just as soon as I find out who 'me' really is.

I like walking.. a lot. And woods. And music, and sewing, and knitting, and horror stories. Good start. :)

PeanutButter

Ive heard on this forum 'once you see the PD for what they really are, you cannot ever 'unsee' that".
If she confronts you maybe you can just 'observe' her behaviors while presenting calmness. Dont worry if it goes imperfectly. Just keep yourself physically safe. You dont have any responsibility for what she does.
I too experienced learning to value myself as totally life changing. I have joy now on a daily basis. I never thought I could be so blessed and happy.
This is long overdue for you and as you said hard won. YOU DESERVE peace, love, and happiness!
:banana: :banaaana: :phoot: :elephant: :boogie: :party:
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

xredshoesx

such progress pipchick!

i do need to lock the thread as it's over 5 pages.

here's the link if you want to add it to the new thread to keep the backstory
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=82315.msg719754#msg719754