There and Back Again

[pipchick]

Update:

I have a space to move into. I wanted this one particularly, because it's unfurnished. I think having my own bed and my own furniture around will be good for me as I let go.

Having been in what felt like purgatory for the last couple of days, I now feel energised and ready to go forward again.

I also have arranged to meet with a therapist on Monday.

After everything is finalised on friday, I will ask the post office to redirect my mail. Even though I may move my things, I will not reveal I have gone until I am sure my post is being directed where it should be.

But... feeling good after a lot of uncertainty.

Today I got some boxes and tidied all my things away into those boxes.

Freedom is close, which is good because I feel sure the longer I hang around here, the more dangerous the moments of doubt become. No. No more. It's over. I have to live now.

[NumbLotus]

I know how to distract unwanted thoughts.

I want this to be something safe and healthy for you.

[pipchick]

I know how to distract unwanted thoughts.

I want this to be something safe and healthy for you.

I'm sorry. I was just angry right there. I never did really understand what to do with anger. I think I usually end up turning it inward. I dont know how to change that. But I can ask the therapist how to change it.

[NumbLotus]

Don't be sorry

Speaking for myself, I find anger very uncomfortable. I went through a period of anger when I was grappling with my situation, and I hated it. It was foreign to me, it frequently didn't make logical sense to me, and it just plain felt crummy.

But I feel like it was a good and necessary step to go through. You have every right to be angry. Let it power you forward.

[nanotech]

I've realised that I used to be a mixture of calm exterior, but rising to anger/ resentment at times, either with those I love or over silly things that happened at work etc. It was residual anger I think, from how I was treated by my FOO.
I've worked on this a LOT and I'm miles better!

Therapy, Yoga, Mindfulness, and of course,  Out of the FOG have all helped me so much.

I can still get angry, and a little anger isn't always a bad thing, but I don't do that ' victim' thing I got fond of, where I would moan and groan and  whinge and complain, but I would  never resolve anything through carrying out any actions for change.

Pipchick you're doing it! You're the oppoosite of me because you are calm and yet taking the action required  to improve your life. Go you! And good luck on it! Keep serene and keep firm too! ❤️

[Duck]

I'm working on anger right now. My therapist is helping me. I hate feeling angry because it is very uncomfortable. I was not allowed to express it when I was young. A vast sea of anger was redirected inward over time. I am learning to think of anger as a flag alerting me to something I need to know. It says hey! Something's happening! You may need to take action!

Additionally, my parents were really religious and basically trained me to believe anger is morally wrong. (Unless dad is angry. He can do whatever he wants.) So I feel a sense of guilt on top of the discomfort. But there are lots of times anger is appropriate and important like if someone is being harmed and needs protection. I am slowly feeling and expressing more anger.

[pipchick]

Don't be sorry

Speaking for myself, I find anger very uncomfortable. I went through a period of anger when I was grappling with my situation, and I hated it. It was foreign to me, it frequently didn't make logical sense to me, and it just plain felt crummy.

But I feel like it was a good and necessary step to go through. You have every right to be angry. Let it power you forward.

It seems like anger is necessary, but also an issue for many of us, even if those issues manifest in different ways. I guess we never learnt to deal effectively with it. If we are assertive people, what remains to make us angry must be expressed and let go. To me that seems like a healthy model (easy to say!). But we have been taught to repress our anger, that it isn't acceptable, and when we do dare to feel it, we are ashamed at our inability to assert ourselves (especially against our PD parent) and remove the cause of it. It's a minefield!

I'm glad you did get through that step, Numblotus, though I am sure it must be an ongoing thing. We have to consciously learn and do things that most people experience as innate.

[pipchick]

I've realised that I used to be a mixture of calm exterior, but rising to anger/ resentment at times, either with those I love or over silly things that happened at work etc. It was residual anger I think, from how I was treated by my FOO.
I've worked on this a LOT and I'm miles better!

Therapy, Yoga, Mindfulness, and of course,  Out of the FOG have all helped me so much.

I can still get angry, and a little anger isn't always a bad thing, but I don't do that ' victim' thing I got fond of, where I would moan and groan and  whinge and complain, but I would  never resolve anything through carrying out any actions for change.

Pipchick you're doing it! You're the oppoosite of me because you are calm and yet taking the action required  to improve your life. Go you! And good luck on it! Keep serene and keep firm too! ❤️

Hi nanotech

Oh, I can quite imagine it! I am a very political animal, and I have been from being quite young, and it occurs to me that because my mother doesn't care about that, it's a channel for me. So I get too angry about things, and then become too upset to do anything about them. Some balance needs to be struck somewhere. So I can very easily understand that feeling you describe. Where you can't express it with your FOO, the emotion itself comes out somewhere else. I'm glad you've recognised it and have worked on it.

As for the victim mentality... I've heard this described as 'fleas' that we've picked up. Think about it, When it comes to coping with things, the prime example you've had has been... yep. It's not surprising we need to learn new coping skills.

I am not the opposite of you. I am the same as you, and I look to where you are with hope. We can get away, we can be okay and we can thrive at last.

[pipchick]

I'm working on anger right now. My therapist is helping me. I hate feeling angry because it is very uncomfortable. I was not allowed to express it when I was young. A vast sea of anger was redirected inward over time. I am learning to think of anger as a flag alerting me to something I need to know. It says hey! Something's happening! You may need to take action!

Additionally, my parents were really religious and basically trained me to believe anger is morally wrong. (Unless dad is angry. He can do whatever he wants.) So I feel a sense of guilt on top of the discomfort. But there are lots of times anger is appropriate and important like if someone is being harmed and needs protection. I am slowly feeling and expressing more anger.

Hey, Duck

I'm really glad you have someone to help with this. Anger is the hardest emotion I think, because it can't be reasoned with or logiced away - it just is. But you are also right. It's a very good warning system. We have been taught for so long not to listen to our instincts and to ignore what our inner selves try to tell us. It's like we have been trapped in a glass box, and our inner selves are there, silently hammering on the glass and screaming. Maybe this is why it makes us uncomfortable too. We've become aware, we know we should have been listening, then we're afraid the glass won't hold, because who knows what happens then?

I think, in the end, it will be okay though... for all of us. As long as we are aware (in so much as we are capable), we must heal. Your anger is not wrong, Duck, morally or otherwise. It's valid, and rational, and I'm really glad you are making progress with it. I like that idea of approriate anger, and I agree 100%!

[pipchick]

Update:

I have keys!!!!

Woo!

Soon... the soonest I can get my stuff out is wednesday. I arranged a mail redirect today.

I keep feeling happy, and I mean... weirdly, deeply happy. Like it will last. Like not a sticking plaster happy. Something more... real.

This is then immediately followed by a big dollop of guilt and fear.

She's going to go ballistic. She's going to be hurt.

It's very hard to keep realising I have to let that go. If this was a normal situation (for a start I wouldn't be moving out, but if I was), she'd be encouraging me, and making sure I knew how to do all the things I'm going to need to do. I wouldn't be sneaking around feeling horrible about it.

[pipchick]

I have now organised for a moving company to take my stuff wednesday.

I have organised broadband.

I'm a bit jittery now. I only lost important paperwork once.

[NumbLotus]

 

[nanotech]

You are going to be fine. It's ok to feel jittery. Jitter away!
You are starting your own life. You are a grown up and your mum will come to accept that.
Yes she might act hurt and you might get some meanness directed at you. You'll get all
of those FOG buttons pressed.
Remember it's her negativity, not yours. Try not to let it grip you. She's an unwell person and she wants to maintain the status quo so she can keep on controlling you.

Be a moving target.

Remember, don't let her interrogate you,  either face to face, or by phone.
If you don't manage not to get questioned, you don't have to give any details of your new life.
Remember,
'No' is a complete sentence .
'I don't know', is a complete answer to any question. 

You can say,
' I can see why you might feel like that,( sad, hurt etc)  but I'm a grown up and I have moved out.'
If you get accused of ' sneakiness' or 'being deceptive' etc, just say that you can see why they/ she might think that but that wasn't intended at all.
You were just looking into the possibility of  moving, you thought it would be a while before you could, then suddenly this place popped up and  so wow, you were able to take action, and it all came together amazingly quickly.
Just keep repeating that stock statement.
Don't go into any more detail, don't JADE.
She will try to trample the new boundaries you've set.
Don't feel guilty or obliged to make her feel better. You are not responsible for her happiness.
If they bring up any negatives/ possible problems that might arise,  just say ' I'll deal with that'  or ' I'll get back to  you on  that'  or ' it's all in hand'. Don't get into circular arguments.
Remember they have no right to demand explanations from you. Good luck with the move! It will be fab!  XxxxxxX

[pipchick]

Thank you NumbLotus and Nanotech

Nanotech that is all amazing advice, and I've read through your post quite a few times because when I do it helps me come back to the point when my head is flying away with something that is really irrelevant. I am certain I will be looking over it again, often, in the days and weeks to come. Thank you so much.

So I've been all over the place. Veering from fear, to guilt, to relief, to happiness, to dread. To doubts. But for each doubt, when I remember the thing that made me finally see through it all, I know there isn't a single thing in this world that can make me stay. There is literally nothing that is a good enough reason to stay for more abuse. Nothing. It's not psychologically safe.

Anyway, so yesterday I went to the flat after work. I sent her a message to say that I was going out with a workmate so that she didn't wonder where I was.

Now on the whole I don't go anywhere except to the gym in the morning and to work. So I'm watching her behaviour now instead of being triggered by it as she:

* sends me a text back to say that the dogs have been fed, and she's visiting her sister (she's not even in to care anyway, and she has people to be with too)
* sends me a text at around 5.30pm to say she isn't coming home that night (this is a punishment... maybe for having the nerve to be "out" at all)

We had a... "discussion" in the summer about her not coming home, even at night, for days on end, and leaving me with the dogs to care for 24/7. She got huffy and didn't talk to me for two hours before shouting and demanding to know what I "wanted" while playing the martyr, and then finally agreeing, after a long circular discussion where everything was all my fault to "allowing" me to go out on certain days. Meaning she would look after the dogs. And I keep mentioning the dogs, I know, but they do need taking care of. They aren't my dogs in particular, though I refer to them that way because I love them. They're the responsibility of the house, therefore both of us, or they should be. This past year, I finally understood she's used them to trap me.

I have to say, I know how this works now, and I am amazed at it. Who does this? If this is what I have been living with all this time, there's no wonder I am a mess.

And as a last parting shot, her visiting her sister means that she has been smearing me all day (and now all night too). Though that's better than when she goes out there and comes home so drunk that she passes out in the hallway, because this time, there was no way I was going to be looking after her while she was all beligerantly drunk. That's never going to happen again.

Then last night I had nightmares about her. She was getting married (again) or something, and I was running around trying to sort things out but nothing was ever good enough and everything was my fault, and I think we got to the part where the entire day was a ruined mess and it was all because of me before I woke up.

I feel... meh, today.

[PeanutButter]

This is fantastic for you! I am proud of you as one surviver to another of how you just got up and did all of this in such a short time and with grace and dignity. You are starting a new 'book' about your life. I wish you soooooo many blessings. You deserve great and wonderful things. And it sounds like you have opened the door NO you have tore down the walls of your prison to sweet freedom and happiness!
You are doing AMAZING pipchick!

[pipchick]

Thank you PeanutButter

I needed to read that. I feel like now the moment is almost at hand I'm losing my nerve... because of the dogs. Shes going to threaten to 'get rid' of them, the same way she did when I asked if I could go out some days.

And this morning I was thinking that I'm being selfish and it isn't life or death.... but of course it is. Now that I see it, it is. I don't have a friend here in this house. I'm not stupid enough to believe it cant happen to me. I've seen it nice and close. Hell of a lesson.

Then suddenly that quote popped into my head from The Terminator... here it is... adjusted:

Listen. Understand. That narcissist is out there. It can't be reasoned with, it can't be bargained with...it doesn't feel pity or remorse or fear...and it absolutely will not stop. Ever. Until you are dead.

My inner voice is helpful but it has a weird sense if humour. I've been giggling since I thought of it.

[Psuedonym]

I wrote a whole post called the Terminator and other people have referenced the movie before so, we get it. Paul Walker wrote in his book about cPTSD (which is great) that often when we feel guilt or shame it means that we're doing the right thing, because we're actually overcoming the ridiculous beliefs we've been taught. I think you know that you're doing the right thing here and will be so much happier once you've moved.

[pipchick]

I wrote a whole post called the Terminator and other people have referenced the movie before so, we get it. Paul Walker wrote in his book about cPTSD (which is great) that often when we feel guilt or shame it means that we're doing the right thing, because we're actually overcoming the ridiculous beliefs we've been taught. I think you know that you're doing the right thing here and will be so much happier once you've moved.

Thank you Psuedonym, and you are right. Reasons keep popping up, but there is literally nothing that can justify staying in this environment for a moment longer than necessary.

As for the dogs, the best I can do is advise her (if she tries) that if she intends to use them to threaten or manipulate me, including making me feel guilty, then I will just block her number and email and go NC immediately. Therefore, whatever she does she won't be able to use to hurt me because I simply will not ever know she did it. If she goes that way, NC is the only way I can protect them.

[pipchick]

Update:

I had my first therapy appointment today. I had to be quite assertive right away, and explained my fears about being invalidated. I said that I did not ever want a moment of doubt to be used to encourage me to "try" again. My new therapist was good about it, and as the session began, she brought up the term "emotional abuse" before I did. I am sure that this is going to be a very helpful professional relationship for me as I try to untangle my emotional self and soul, and "deprogram" myself.

Two more days. On wednesday I move. I literally cannot wait.

I am not sure how well I am doing at medium chill. The whole house feels like a pressure cooker when she is in, and I'm sure some of that is me. But the truth is medium chill is really hard when you're grieving that idea of her, and the her that is really there has hurt you so often and so long... and she's still doing it. It makes medium chill difficult to be sure. I just find I don't want to be around them, not even for like five minutes, and I don't want to say anything to new man. He's made it crystal clear we aren't friends by joining in her bullying of me, so there's not much to say. None of this is any of his business in as far as it relates to me. My partner says he is (among other things) an empty suit of clothes.

I have my new gym across the road from my flat, and I have joined. I have everything ready to go. It's like christmas eve! I can do this. I can take care of myself. I'm worth me taking care of myself. I'm worth it!

(tosses hair)

Yep. lol.

[pipchick]

Today

She did not go to work. Nor did she tell me she wasn't at work the night before when I was sitting in the lounge with her. If she is at home tomorrow, then she'll have to witness me moving my stuff because I won't rearrange it now. Next week, my piano teacher will help me by picking up my piano to store at his shop, and I will be able to come in and practice there during business hours.

We shall see what happens. I have to remember JADE, no matter what.