Hoover attempts always around my birthday

[blues_cruise]

I've had this year's pre birthday (it's not until next week!) hoover in the form of a box of chocolates and diary sent through the post (not actually wrapped or with any kind of message so a lot of effort made there) and I'm feeling angry about it. 2 years 8 months of no contact and it's always my birthday when he actively attempts contact. Not any other day of the year.  I know the true emotional manipulation behind the gesture and it makes me mad. it's always hit and miss too, last year it was just a card and this year it's random presents.

I'm sure there's supposed to be some kind of dig too by sending a 2020 diary but not even going there with that one.

I don't feel any fog in particular, so that's something. Just wish he would give up and stop testing the water each year! Currently reminding myself of past birthdays too while in contact where he treated the day with complete contempt, such as my 16th where he got me nothing and told me my present was still in the shop. Only two months after my mum had died. Memories like this remind me that he's not a pleasant person to have in my life and that the guise of caring, victimised parent thinking about his daughter on her birthday is such a farce. Just ranting really. 

[JustKat]

Birthdays do seem to be their favorite hoovering day. My Nmother passed away five years ago, but I'm 10 years NC with my enFather and the hoovering cards still come every year. Same as you, usually about a week before my birthday. The cards never wish me well, but instead contain some kind of guilt message. Mine are also random in that some years they contain a gift and other years just a card.

My therapists have told me not to open the cards; to throw them out or put them in a box and forget about them. I know that works well for a lot of people but curiosity always gets the best of me and I do open them. I guess I've finally reached the point where I've become numb to the guilt messages and am able to dismiss them for what they are.

PD parents need the drama so it's possible your father will continue to send the cards as long as he's around and able to send them (I'm certain mine will). I can tell you that it does get better with time. The first few years I was also really angry, but now it mostly comes across as a weak and pathetic attempt on his part. After so many years it just doesn't trigger me anymore. I hope you also eventually get to that place where it becomes more of a routine nuisance that you can shrug off. I think you will. It just takes time.

Wishing you a very happy birthday. You're not alone.

[Morocha2015]

Thank you for this post, and Justkathy thank you for your response! I'm coming up on a year NC with my PD parents and they've sent cards and gifts for every holiday and my kids' birthdays. We've been donating the gifts and DH reads and shreds the cards for me. DS and I have birthdays 4 days apart at the end of November, and I've been getting increasingly anxious as they draw closer, knowing those gifts and letters are coming. M said in a letter she's never going to stop sending them no matter what I do. It makes me so angry. She still sends text messages asking me what she should get the kids, as if nothing's wrong. I never answer, but it infuriates me. I feel so disrespected, like my feelings don't matter. It's really helpful to know I'm not alone in this feeling, and that it does get better. I'm not trapped, but sometimes it feels that way.

Happy birthday, blues_cruise. November birthdays are the best. Be kind to yourself, do something you love on your day. ❤️

[blues_cruise]

Thank you both so much for the support. So hard, isn't it? There's more though. Just checked the post box and realised that he had sent a birthday card and a note. Just read the note and I feel sick and overwhelmed. He said he wishes me a happy birthday, that he misses me and would love to hear from me.

I'm happy with no contact and I cannot be in full contact with this man. It seems unfair to me no end that after nearly three years of no such note he chooses to send one to me on my birthday of all days. WHY NOT ANY OTHER DAY OF THE YEAR?!!!!  That's what really gets me more than anything, there are 364 other perfectly good days of the year to be telling me this. There's no hint whatsoever that he has been reflecting on his behaviour during this time, which figures because he really does not have a clue that any of his actions are completely out of line. I know it would go back to emotional abuse and mind games if I engaged with him. He was usually just vile to me when we were speaking so I know that he doesn't miss me, he misses the supply.

In fairness to him, I did ghost him so once my birthday and Christmas is out of the way I actually wonder if this is a good opportunity to break no contact temporarily just to explain my reasons for it. That way it's there in black and white and if I'm met with denials and smearing then fine, at least I'll feel like I've done the noble thing by giving him an explanation and I can continue getting on with my life. I'm even somewhat tempted to try VVVLC and see if email could work, but I fear this would only cause me stress in the long run. He would keep pushing for more and slip back into old habits. I've been stronger than ever from being no contact and I haven't missed him.

I do actually feel like I'm going to be sick now, what a reaction. 

[JustKat]

He said he wishes me a happy birthday, that he misses me and would love to hear from me.

That's the exact message I get every year. Happy birthday, I'm getting on in years, it would be nice to hear from you. I only hear this on my birthday with no attempt to reach out to me on the remaining 364 days. I had never even thought about that aspect of it until I read your post, but yeah, what's the deal with that? They have all year to reflect on their behavior and attempt to reach out, but it always comes down to one day and one birthday card.

The one thing that's always puzzled me is him acting like he doesn't understand why I'm NC. I mean, he HAS to know. He did some pretty despicable things to me. Maybe he knows why I ghosted but feels that, as his daughter, I owe him a visit regardless. Or maybe he really doesn't get it. I'll never know for sure but it's really baffling, and as you said, why only think about it on my birthday?

I have considered writing a letter and explaining to him why I ghosted, but I know it won't change anything. He's completely brainwashed by 50 years of his wife's smear campaign and there's nothing I can say that will undo that. Writing a letter might offer closure, but it could also backfire. If I thought he might actually feel remorse for his actions and apologize then I'd write the letter, but I'm 100% certain that will never happen. I've written down things I want to say to him while journaling, but I can't ever send it to him. Everyone's situation is different, but speaking for myself, I just don't see it ending well.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Agreed. Breaking NC to explain why the NC seems like a kindness but really it's the worst kind of catch 22. Happy birthday would be nice to hear from you betrays the lack of necessary self awareness for there to be any hope of a real relationship. Which you cannot give. If it was so bad you had to go NC, you already know you can't fix things. So you might feel better having provably tried (likely again and again), but is that worth the cost?

Reaching out gives supply, so therefore any chance of your boundary being "respected" (I.e. they give up trying to break it) becomes drastically reduced. It also gives ammunition. Any reason you give is going to be argued, denied, shot down, turned around, and ultimately dismissed. And you end up at best right back where you started. With you being the problem and they just can't UNDERSTAND how this could have happened!

If there was any hope after NC, the messages would be full of embarrassment and shame for the way they've treated you in the past and an expression of understanding they don't even deserve a response. That they've no right to even reach out. Which is another kind of catch 22 for them. Because they have to recognize and respect that they have no power with you at all. And if that were possible, would you be NC to begin with?

[blues_cruise]

Thank you both for the responses, it helps so much just knowing that people get it and makes me feel far less alone!

He said he wishes me a happy birthday, that he misses me and would love to hear from me.

That's the exact message I get every year. Happy birthday, I'm getting on in years, it would be nice to hear from you. I only hear this on my birthday with no attempt to reach out to me on the remaining 364 days. I had never even thought about that aspect of it until I read your post, but yeah, what's the deal with that? They have all year to reflect on their behavior and attempt to reach out, but it always comes down to one day and one birthday card.

The one thing that's always puzzled me is him acting like he doesn't understand why I'm NC. I mean, he HAS to know. He did some pretty despicable things to me. Maybe he knows why I ghosted but feels that, as his daughter, I owe him a visit regardless. Or maybe he really doesn't get it. I'll never know for sure but it's really baffling, and as you said, why only think about it on my birthday?

I have considered writing a letter and explaining to him why I ghosted, but I know it won't change anything. He's completely brainwashed by 50 years of his wife's smear campaign and there's nothing I can say that will undo that. Writing a letter might offer closure, but it could also backfire. If I thought he might actually feel remorse for his actions and apologize then I'd write the letter, but I'm 100% certain that will never happen. I've written down things I want to say to him while journaling, but I can't ever send it to him. Everyone's situation is different, but speaking for myself, I just don't see it ending well.

In my NF's case I think he just views my birthday as an extension of himself. He's always tried to hold the power over whether I have a good day or not. Because he sees it as such an extension of himself (almost like another Fathers' Day perhaps) it stirs up more sentimentality than any other day of the year. I think what's really upset me with this love bomb is the "I miss you" at the end of the message. In the last few years he has never tried pulling that one and it's so out of character. Is it really him or is it another mask or a manipulation tactic though? Even if it is heartfelt where is the remorse for his actions and any desire to change? That's the sad thing about it all, it's almost like the sentimental part of me that wants to be loved wants to hear it (and I guess that's what he's appealing to) but the logical person I have become knows that it's not real, or not real on a healthy, stable level with any kind of future consistency.

Yeah, I've spent a long time ruminating over whether NF knows the reason for NC. He maintains to my siblings that he doesn't have a clue but I think he's just playing out a delusion on that front. In his world he is the good guy who is misunderstood and is only trying his best, but that's his made up reality and no-one else's. I truly think he is that far gone that he does genuinely believe he's great and it's everyone else who's the problem.

My husband said the same thing, that writing even to explain the no contact would only add fuel to the fire. I tried writing an unsent letter a few months ago just to see if I could put my feelings down on paper and writing it as though I was speaking to him just felt pointless. I could hear him in my head scoffing and ridiculing everything I was saying. I have to remind myself that that's who he truly is and the behaviour that he defaults to as soon as I do or say anything he doesn't like. 

Agreed. Breaking NC to explain why the NC seems like a kindness but really it's the worst kind of catch 22. Happy birthday would be nice to hear from you betrays the lack of necessary self awareness for there to be any hope of a real relationship. Which you cannot give. If it was so bad you had to go NC, you already know you can't fix things. So you might feel better having provably tried (likely again and again), but is that worth the cost?

Reaching out gives supply, so therefore any chance of your boundary being "respected" (I.e. they give up trying to break it) becomes drastically reduced. It also gives ammunition. Any reason you give is going to be argued, denied, shot down, turned around, and ultimately dismissed. And you end up at best right back where you started. With you being the problem and they just can't UNDERSTAND how this could have happened!

If there was any hope after NC, the messages would be full of embarrassment and shame for the way they've treated you in the past and an expression of understanding they don't even deserve a response. That they've no right to even reach out. Which is another kind of catch 22 for them. Because they have to recognize and respect that they have no power with you at all. And if that were possible, would you be NC to begin with?

Yeah, I'm just letting the guilt and love bombing get to me I think. It just came as a shock really and after the distinct coldness in his card from last year I wasn't expecting it. He upped his game and threw me off guard. I know exactly how it would go if I did give him a foot in the door again, he would just keep pushing and pushing and guilt tripping when he didn't get the level of contact that he asked for, regardless of how assertive I was or how blatantly upset. That's exactly why I went no contact. Plus the months (well, years!) before no contact were truly becoming unbearable. I was at my most anxious and health wise my body would become completely inflamed after every interaction. There was very little kindness from him or any reason to remain in contact other than social obligation.

You're right, I really don't want to go back to square one again. I did try very low contact as a last resort before going fully no contact and it just did not work because he wouldn't let it. He hated me showing any kind of assertiveness or daring to say "no" to him. Thinking back, months ago he left a bunch of my old schoolwork on my doorstep, along with greeting cards sent to him and my mum congratulating them on my birth. The note written by his wife said that they had been clearing out the loft and were returning some things to me. If he truly missed me and cared then wouldn't he have hung on to this kind of stuff rather than giving it away? Why does he 'miss' me any more now a few months later than he did back then, which would have been just as good a time to drop off a letter to me?

I think if I were estranged from my child and I was genuinely distraught and missing them then I would have tried to build bridges way before now. I would reflect a billion times on what I could possibly have done wrong and would assure them that even if I didn't understand, then I would at least try to and do everything in my power to fix it. I'd want to change because the thought that I'd hurt my child to the point that they decided that they had to emotionally protect themselves from my behaviour would make me feel ashamed and devastated. None of this has occured to him at all and yep it's true, there's no self awareness necessary for a real relationship. 

[JustKat]

Even if it is heartfelt where is the remorse for his actions and any desire to change?

That's the part that gets to me and why I can't resume contact. A greeting card message that says "I'm old and sick and miss seeing you" isn't about the daughter he misses, it's about him and his own needs. Like you, I was also thrown off guard when he did actually write "I miss you," but that's all he wrote. The more I thought about it the more I realized those three words were probably a huge effort on his part and thrown in to manipulate me. Three words that might have been more effective: I love you. Didn't get those words and never will.

I do think it's pretty normal for children of N's to hold on to hope that the parent will eventually show remorse. I'm sure I cling to that tiny bit of hope as a survival mechanism, but I'm fully aware that I'm kidding myself. They're incapable of remorse and have no desire to change. Why would they? They were perfect parents and we were problem children. Right?

[Jade63]

My BPDm does the same hoover. Birthday card and nothing else. (5 years NC)

As their offspring, it really is their only connection to us at this point. And, by golly, they are not going to let us forget it. (Entitlement)

~Jade

[blues_cruise]

Even if it is heartfelt where is the remorse for his actions and any desire to change?

That's the part that gets to me and why I can't resume contact. A greeting card message that says "I'm old and sick and miss seeing you" isn't about the daughter he misses, it's about him and his own needs. Like you, I was also thrown off guard when he did actually write "I miss you," but that's all he wrote. The more I thought about it the more I realized those three words were probably a huge effort on his part and thrown in to manipulate me. Three words that might have been more effective: I love you. Didn't get those words and never will.

I do think it's pretty normal for children of N's to hold on to hope that the parent will eventually show remorse. I'm sure I cling to that tiny bit of hope as a survival mechanism, but I'm fully aware that I'm kidding myself. They're incapable of remorse and have no desire to change. Why would they? They were perfect parents and we were problem children. Right?

Well that's exactly it. It would be some kind of genuine acknowledgement that it was his behaviour that was the problem that I would need if I were to ever pursue contact with him again. I can't put myself through all that hollow communication, months of silent treatment, uncertainty and guilt tripping again just because he thinks he "misses" me. I think missing me just means he misses the game. I don't bury my head in the sand anymore and I have changed, so the doormat he "misses" doesn't exist anymore anyway. He doesn't want to know me if I'm a confident, assertive person and he made that abundantly clear three years ago!

My BPDm does the same hoover. Birthday card and nothing else. (5 years NC)

As their offspring, it really is their only connection to us at this point. And, by golly, they are not going to let us forget it. (Entitlement)

~Jade

Yeah, it's all he has of me right now. I do feel sad and guilty that my birthday throws up emotion for him but I just can't fix it. What should be a happy day is a sad day for me really. He can be reflective and feel sorry for himself one day and then angry, cold and hurtful the next, the latter of which I would be faced with in droves considering I've been so "bad" and would be guilt tripped and punished for it. It's too much, I need to live my life with some peace otherwise I get sick and resentful. 

[JustKat]

I think missing me just means he misses the game.

Yes! I think you nailed it right there. That's it, exactly.