Nearly a year since she died

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louisebt

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Nearly a year since she died
« on: November 16, 2019, 05:34:56 PM »
Just wanted to come back and say hi if anyone remembers me, I was quite active on here with my PD mother who passed away last December.
The time since her death has overall been one of finally being able to embark on recovery and healing for myself. Scattering her ashes in Scotland, dehoarding and selling her house (the one i grew up in and was chock full of bad memories) as quickly as possible through auction, which meant I could be mortgage free and financially comfortable- which I take as a wonderful gift she has given me, which doesn't make up for all the horrendousness but doesn't hurt either.  I have also used some of the money to go traveling, and the joy of sitting on a beach without one thought of her and her needs in my head is indescribable.

I have been doing a lot of inner child work to 're parent' myself, and al-anon service and enjoying being single. I finally feel free to make my own choices and mistakes in life without the spectre of needing her approval, which rarely, if ever was truly forthcoming.

I have not grieved much, but honestly I feel it's because I did a lot of work grieving the mother I wanted but never had beforehand, and there was just tremendous relief that this bitter, depressed, acting out old woman was finally gone and at peace. She hated her life by the end and made my life miserable trying to deal with that.

I worry I have picked up a lot of fleas and that motivates me to work hard on my healing. I have seen numerous other family members look like they had it together and then their past traumas come and bite them and lead to mental illness, addiction and PD-like behaviour.

The greatest tribute I can give my mother moving forward is not let her dysfunction muck me up. I like to think the maternal part of her that was under all the drinking and the PD would have wanted that.




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GettingOOTF

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Re: Nearly a year since she died
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2019, 05:40:25 PM »
Hi Louisebt. I remember your story. Your update is wonderful. It sounds like you are doing so well.

I think we can’t help but pick up fleas. I was covered in them. The important thing is that we are aware and we work on ourselves, which you are doing.

It’s so rare to read positive updates here so thank you for sharing. I’vr recently gone NC with my father so it’s really comforting and validating to see what is possible once we are no longer under their influence.

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Amadahy

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Re: Nearly a year since she died
« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2019, 06:32:13 PM »
Hi Louise!
I am so thrilled for you! It is here can we be understood and Im glad you updated us. Enjoy your gifts and best wishes on your healing. :hug:
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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Psuedonym

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Re: Nearly a year since she died
« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2019, 09:15:19 PM »
Hi louisebt!

I remember your story and how much you did for your mother; I'm so so glad to hear you're doing so well! You deserve all the happiness and I'm really glad to hear how well everything is going for you. :)

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Nearly a year since she died
« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2019, 02:13:33 AM »
Hi Louise  :)

I remember - and I'm glad you were able to put order to chaos, are on a path of healing, and have some financial security, too.  :yes:

It's amazing that no matter how much they try to mess us up, we can still sometimes manage to be okay - but it takes a lot of work, of both the manual labor type and the inner/spiritual type.

And about 52,000,000,000 trips to the bank and/or lawyer.  :bigwink:

It's good to hear you're doing so well!   :sunny:

 :hug:



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SunnyMeadow

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Re: Nearly a year since she died
« Reply #5 on: November 17, 2019, 11:18:17 AM »
Hi Louise,

I remember your story. It's good to hear you are financially comfortable and mortgage free.

I think you being able to put your PD mother out of your head and not worry about her needs and approval is the best part. It sounds like freedom. I can't wait to join you and be able to say the same. Thank you for posting this update, it shows there is light at the end of the tunnel!

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MyLifeToo

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Re: Nearly a year since she died
« Reply #6 on: November 17, 2019, 02:34:25 PM »
Hi Louise, thank you so much for the update. I'm truly thrilled that things are going well for you now. I followed your story and we shared some common ground, so I often wonder how things are for you.

Enjoy the gift of financial security, and continue to heal well. The idea of sitting on a beach without having to spare a thought for mother sounds amazing and is a happy ending to a dark fairy tale.

Love and peace x

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practical

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Re: Nearly a year since she died
« Reply #7 on: November 17, 2019, 06:33:57 PM »
You sound like you are taking good care of yourself and able to move forward. For me to move beyond triggers is a slow process despite F being out of my life for over a year by now. My T once said, I should think about why I'm so resilient, where it comes from and how I manage to be this way. Maybe it is something you want to think about too as clearly you are very resilient.

I'm very happy for you  :bighug:
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)