Creating problems for me so that she can solve them

[Jsinjin]

I realized today where a lot of my stress comes from and her control.   I never noticed before where my dear and anxiety comes from.    She creates it.   And then she solves the problem.   She will take something I am doing that needs to be done; a project, a purchase, a significant activity, and make it hopelessly difficult.   prevent it from being simple or throw it into a complicated review or demand some type of accountability and then when I get frustrated and decide to Chuck the whole thing she solves it for me in a way that benefits her.   

An example, I need to make a large purchase and it's for the family.   The spiral of all the options, need to compare so many things and desire to review every step I make becomes so frustrating that I can't even think.   Then she takes over.   I think this is why I try to hide things.    I dislike the complexity that has to occur to get thjgsn done.

[11JB68]

 
Oh yes!
To me this is such a classic ocpd thing.
In our house everything has to go on a spreadsheet!
Everything becomes complicated and takes longer when uOCPDh is involved (ie in charge). Shoveling snow, taking leaves, cleaning the house.
H is having health problems and can no longer do yard work. While I sorry of hate that I have to do it all myself, it is much less of a chore now. I do it my way, at my own speed, start and stop when I want, and listen to my music on my earbuds (no one yelling at me).
I swear I get more done/faster  than when updh would have both myself and ds 'helping' him.
Sorry you see experiencing this too jsinjin!

[LemonLime]

Jsinjin, this reminds me of my sibling.   She hurts me and then swoops in to "make it better".    I think this is somewhat like Munchausen By Proxy.
Hurt the child, then rush them to the hospital to "help" them.    Its creepy.

[Findingmyvoice]

11JB! The spreadheets and lists!

Mine used to have 3 or 4 page long packing and shopping lists for any activity that MUST be followed and printed off every time.
Then she had a schedule for household chores.  bathrooms MUST be cleaned on a certain day of the week.
I remember her bringing this up in couples counseling how she was mad that I didn't follow her cleaning schedule.  I did most of the cleaning but it was a problem that I didn't follow the schedule.
And also swooping in to "help" when half way through a job and throwing everything off track.

[sevenyears]

Ditto!

It must be an ocpd thing. Mine made everything so d*mn complicated! Just buying a sofa - reams of research into minute details, hours and hours of circular debating (discussion in his book). And, lots of anger if I refused to participate in said research and "discussions." Or, since I am a resident and not a citizen, he tells me that only citizens can receive certain benefits. Then he interferes with the various agencies so that they deny me benefits so that only he can apply. At the same time, he tells me that I have to sign a form so that he can receive it (thereby giving up my rights). I fell for this twice - but not any longer! 

[Fae Greenwood]

It seems that PDs believe that there is only one best answer and if anything else is chosen the world will be destroyed. My uNPDh used to drive our family around for an hour trying to figure out the best possible restaurant. Then we'd stop at a busy time and need a larger table. It the wait was more than ten minutes (and it was ALWAYS longer when it was busy), he'd storm out, everyone back in the car, and on to the search for the next place which ALWAYS took far longer than waiting for the first table. We ended up eating late at crummy places until our kids got into their teens and refused to go without a definite destination. (He'd ignored my demands.)

Remodeling he bathrooms was a nightmare. Things I'd suggested FIVE YEARS EARLIER AT RANDOM were now requirements for the job. Tile or fixtures available five years earlier were no longer available but we had to look and look and look for them in case they could be found even though I wanted something else now. And every decision I made was not just questioned but attacked. It got done in the end but took more money and time than necessary. I will never go through that again. If we have another leak, I'll likely file for divorce.

He also has a running commentary about his own driving. "I should have chosen the other lane." "I should have parked over there." "I took the wrong route." He said those things to me while I was driving and now he gets to drive everywhere all the time while I listen to audible books and enjoy the scenery.

An engineer friend once told me that they have several options to solve a problem and that the current conditions determine the best answer FOR THOSE CONDITIONS. In other words, the best option changes all the time. PDs don't seem to get that. What is right for the childless PD May be wrong for the parent of young children. What was good for the PD's family vacation may not work for the senior couple.

[tommom]

Well, its good they make problems they want to actually correct, I suppose. My H just enjoys (and I do believe he actually gets supply from it!) enjoys making chaos, pure and simple.

For him that really is what it all is, I think. About attention.

Even though he has some serious OCD tendencies, I think his narcissism is his driving force - and supply. And control.

I used to say living with my PDm was like standing on a rug and she had hold of the ends of it. Every now and then she would just shake it to keep you unbalanced. Why I needed to learn grey rock and MC!!