I think my past abuse is causing issues with my love life now

[blistering]

Ok so I've thought a bit about problems with my 'love life' recently, if you can even call it that. Basically, on one hand I've always been the more disinterested in relationships, independent, 'I love being single' kinda person. And that's true, I do like being single and I don't mind being alone at all. I am not chasing a relationship per se.

However, if I do meet someone and become interested, it often goes way too fast and almost obsessive emotionally. I often tend to feel attracted to people who are especially friendly, popular, good social skills, make everyone feel included, but maybe a bit awkward in a good way. The kind of  friendly class clown type person that everybody likes. And then I become obsessed really fast. I mean I don't show it on the outside, but once I catch a crush I will think about them constantly and feel like a nervous 12 year old. However, most of the time, it turns out to be one-sided. I have bad luck with 'picking' people who might like me as a person but don't feel the same (or are just already taken). And when I find that out, I get an extreme mood crash and feel worthless and depressed, sometimes for weeks. Keep in mind this can happen without me ever actually having a date with that person, after just a few conversations.

I hate it, and as I am currently developing another crush on someone after talking to him maybe 4 times, I thought a bit about why this happens. I feel like because as a child I never got any validation or praise really, and my Nmom constantly told me how shit everything about me is, I now just really want someone to REALLY like me and think I'm special. So when a naturally friendly and easygoing person comes along, I just feel so comfortable in their company because I feel like they won't hurt or criticize me. And so I get a crush and think that maybe they feel the same though they are really just being their normal friendly self. So when I eventually find out they are not interested romantically, for me it's just another confirmation that I'm really just a terrible person like my mom told me. And of course a cool interesting person would never like me because I'm just not good enough.

Any of you have similar issues?

[mdana]

Hi

Plenty of people used to tell me my "picker" was off -- meaning, I always picked the wrong partners. AND, that was true, but, not for the reason's my mom used to say!

I was stuck for many years in a victim identity (having survived trauma/abuse in my childhood). Yet, I really just wanted to be loved -- no different than everyone else on the planet.   However, I was carrying all these unspoken beliefs, definitions, and notions from my childhood around which slanted everything I saw and did -- including what it meant to have "self worth" "love" and a healthy partner. 

So, I do believe that our unresolved past will impact our current and future choices. Even if we say we don't believe what we heard in our past, sometimes --- we are afraid there remains some truth in it. The good news is -- that can change!  It just requires a bit of work!

You are not what your mom told you blistering! Your mom had issues of her own and seems to have transferred them to you.

XOXOX

M

[1footouttadefog]

Maybe you could see a therapist about your "picker " issues and discover why you fall so quickly.

Until then honestly at all levels examine your feelings and analize why you feel what you feel.  What did that person do say etc to trigger these feelings.  When else did you feel this.  Think way back to childhood and try to remember.  You might see a pattern


I found patterns in my selection of friends.  I discovered feelings I would have when meeting people who ended up being toxic to some degree.  I now feel these feelings and see them as red flags of danger and no longer rush in, but instead stap back slow down and analize to figure out what is "wrong" with the other person.  Most often I end up feeling like I dodged a bullet.

I have not changed that these feelings well up when meeting certain types of people but instead how I respond when I feel them.

Wolves in sheep's clothing feel like sheep on the surface. 

[SparkStillLit]

I think all our pickers were off!! I've got the wolf, too.
1foot is a smart cookie, try something along those lines or if you can get it, therapy for you. That way you can NOT end up like us lambies!

[newlife33]

I understand and have dealt with the same issues.  I have been single for about 6 years and celibate for about 3.  I would love to have had a girlfriend already, but i needed that time to readjust my attraction. 

The biggest breakthrough was when I realized that I had a lot of self hate issues.  Once I realized that those voices are NOT me, then things changed.  The negative voices in my head are the jealousy of my family.  Once I realized they were jealous of me, my self hate faded and my self love blossomed. 

[JollyJazz]

Oh blistering! You are NOT alone! I feel like I could have written your post word for word myself!

I recently went on ONE date (I was just on holiday overseas) after meeting this person once before, and I just totally starting crushing on this person. I feel embarrassed writing about it even in this anonymous forum! I'm still recovering from it (I'm now on the other side of the planet). I'm just starting to get back into dating, but frankly it kind of scares me how much I crush when someone shows a bit of interest. How hard will it be to be objective when I get crushes like that.

I don't know the answer but I just want to let you know that you aren't alone. This is definitely an abuse related thing, it feels like it's this avalanche of repressed emotion in response to a bit of warmth and acceptance after years of criticism and rejection from our parents. Kind of like someone who has wandered for years in a desert and gotten used to living on small amounts of water and then getting to an Oasis.

I've decided to get a new therapist to help me with this. Also if you need to talk about it privately you can PM me

[1footouttadefog]

Perhaps build a non romantic social life first.  Join groups or a club, a church or book group etc etc.

Build various types of friendships with varying levels and types of interaction.  In this way your validation issues won't entirely be wrapped up in a potential romantic relationship.

[athene1399]

I think our past definitely shapes who we become and who we like, how we like them, and all that stuff. I think Newlife has a great suggestion as that worked for me. I started learning to love myself. Instead of keeping the constant negative chatter, I started talking to myself like I would a friend. That has really helped me to foster self-compassion. We are so quick to self-criticize, but we would never talk to a friend like we talk to ourselves (i read this idea in a Psychology Today article. I can't remember what it was called). After doing that for some time, I chose a partner who respected me and validated my feelings instead of a partner who kept me in the role I played as a child: invalidated scapegoat.

Like you, I often became "obsessed" (not sure how else to describe it) with whoever I was crushing on. I'm like this with new friends too. It's like they're all my mind can focus on, that "high" feeling of someone new I can connect to. Then when I feel like I may be driving them nuts, I back off completely. I've done some thinking on this. I think I have abandonment issues. Like I get clingly, then leave them before they can leave me (probably due to childhood neglect among other things). This may not be your issue, but when you figure out what's driving the behavior, you can work on it. A therapist can help as well. or journalling. Maybe becasue you crave the validation, you set yourself up for failure. Like a self-fulfilling prophesy. "I am not worth it, so I will prove it by messing up this relationship." IDK since I am not you. I'm just trying to throw some ideas out there to get you thinking.

i also like 1foot's idea of working on the non-romantic social life first.  Start small. Stay self-compassionate. When that negative narrative starts up, try replacing it with compassionate thoughts. Just start small. Change doesn't happen overnight.