Allowing adult ds to make decisions

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11JB68

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Allowing adult ds to make decisions
« on: November 18, 2019, 12:22:37 AM »
I can grant that this decision impacts uPDh and I as we are helping to pay for school and financially support ds22 while he finishes his education. But, I don't see how oneyear makes a big difference. Ds22 planned to go right to grad school from ug. Now he says he thinks he needs to work/intern for a year first. UOCPDH of course is being controlling and micromanage-y about this. I worked a year (and married h) before grad school. Lots of people do.
Also uocpdh's entire financial plan doesn't even make sense (but he's the'financial expert' and I'm not...supposedly). In his plan he is going to retire at62...and we're going to stay in our house...forever? Also he flat out commented yesterdaythat 'we' don't let ds make decisions. Well, he doesn't....I don't agree with this strategy. 

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Poison Ivy

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Re: Allowing adult ds to make decisions
« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2019, 12:35:52 AM »
I'm with you on this, 11JB68.  Fortunately, even though I had other areas of disagreement with my ex, allowing our children to make decisions was not one of them.

By the way, our younger child is in a Ph.D. program, and she worked for two years after undergrad before starting grad school. One thing I learned from her is that many types of graduate school programs are only worth doing if they fully fund students. Depending on what your son is interested in, it's a factor for your son to keep in mind.

Good luck to him!

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11JB68

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Re: Allowing adult ds to make decisions
« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2019, 12:46:53 AM »
Thx ivy. It's all tied in with his need for control and also the double standards and his feeling that he's an expert on everything. Alsohis anxiety about the future and need to have everything preplanned and on a spreadsheet. Double standards: he is the only one allowed to make unilateral decisions that affect the whole family!
Pre planning....1)he doesn't seem to get that no matter what your plan is things can change. 2) he refuses to plan for the future in some ways....only the ways he sees fit. I think I'll do a whole other post on financial planning with a pd spouse!

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Poison Ivy

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Re: Allowing adult ds to make decisions
« Reply #3 on: November 19, 2019, 01:16:35 AM »
Your husband sounds like a combination of my ex and his dad.  His dad was the "he doesn't seem to get that no matter what your plan is things can change." My ex is the one who refuses to plan.  Both think (well, thought; my former FIL died one month ago) that they're experts on everything.  I think they shared a fear of the future.  Former FIL thought he could deal with it by planning; my ex thinks he can deal with the fear by doing nothing.

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athene1399

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Re: Allowing adult ds to make decisions
« Reply #4 on: November 19, 2019, 09:41:21 AM »
My uPD mom  didn't like me making decisions either (i don't think she still likes any of my decisions). I regret listening to her in my young adulthood about a few things. IMO even if our adult children make mistakes, they still learn from it. If we tell them what to do, they don't learn and they don't grow.

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11JB68

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Re: Allowing adult ds to make decisions
« Reply #5 on: November 19, 2019, 11:07:58 PM »
As always thanks for your support and feedback.