Grandmother

[Ladymm]

Hi all,

my grandmother is a total victim. She s a different kind of narcissist than the others in my family, she uses me to make me feel bad about her and feeling guilty cause I kind of have a good life, while her father died in woar when she was 7. She can even force cry  when she explains that! There is something icky about her, she makes me feel disgust. Always she complains.
She is a full time emotional Dracula.

I don't see any reason to visit her. Last time at some bday she started to annoy my husband on hiw I dont even know where she lives, I never visit etc. This really raised my bllood pressure and I told her to stop annoying him.

I dont want to visit her. I have another grandma who is nice, I would like to visit her sometimes, but I fear she lk tell the other by mistake or something.

I know I dont want to see her ever again. But this obligation or something in me says visit her sometimes.

I have this feeling like her life depends on me in the sense that old people are vulnerable and I am such a b#### not visiting her because she always (I imagine her fake sweet voice) always wanted all the best for me and gave all for me. I feel like she will kill herself if I dont visit or I will cause some negative emotion my overdramatic mind imagines and this is bad bad.

I thank you in advance for your insights.

[WomanInterrupted]

Hi Ladymm and welcome to the boards! 

My biggest pet peeve, ever:  complaining that I never visit, while I'm sitting right freaking there! 

I wouldn't want to visit somebody like your grandmother - unBPD  Didi (my "mother") was a lot like her, and I wound up lowering contact and refusing to visit, out of self-preservation.

If you don't want to visit - don't visit.  It's as simple as that.  You are not *obligated* to do a thing for her. 

You can assign her a special ringtone on your phone and let all her calls go to voice, then delete them without listening, if you want to - or you can block her number, if that's what you want to do.

Please remember, if your grandmother harms herself, that's not your fault.  That is HER choice - and most likely a cry for attention that I wouldn't give her.

However, if your grandmother leaves you a message stating she's going to harm herself, or tells you in a phone call, hang up immediately and call emergency services - even if you know she's not serious, it's best to take it seriously. 

Besides, she'll probably be so mortified at having to explain to the paramedics that she didn't mean it, that she'll never do it again. 

Your grandmother has spent her life driving people away with her self-pity and doom and gloom.  Now she's old and lonely and expects you to keep her entertained and that's NOT how any of this works.  You are not an entertainment system or a human antidepressant.

You do not HAVE to do a thing for her - including listening to her go on about topics you've heard about 10,000 times, reinforcing she's such a sad little victim and everybody OWES her.

And who CARES if your nice grandmother accidentally tells victim granny that you visited?  If you're screening your calls, the only thing she'll be able to do is whine at your voicemail.  If you've got her blocked, you'll never even hear about it. 

And think of it this  way:  your nice grandmother isn't stupid.  If your victim granny starts acting up, or being miserable, your nice grandmother might actually say something like, "Well, if that's the way you behave, no wonder she doesn't visit." 

Sometimes you can never tell what the elderly are going to say next! 

If you don't want to block her number or screen her calls, the next best advice I can offer is using Medium Chill, which is found in the Toolbox - it's a *godsend* in dealing with people like your grandmother - you'll be talking to her, but not actually saying anything or divulging information - and you won't be encouraging her to go on endlessly with the same old sad, saaaad, saaaaaaaad stories. 

[Ladymm]

Thank you for your lenghty reply Womaninterrupted!

I will surely check the Medium chill  in the toolbox!!

I would never go visit her. But I have two problems:
- I am now working for my father and live in an appartment of my parents property.
I have this feeling I have to succumb to their family rules and cannot not visit my grandmother. It feels like a childish feeling, like a fear of a small child who will be not given anymor food and shelter igf he doesn something so unforgivable like cutting of with the grandma who "loves" her. There is no understanding from from my  parents side. They want to appear the shiny perfect family where they like to give to their children (they are rich) and children love them and also grandmas. Emotions is something that is not considered in this household. This makes me feel like not knowing what to do. I took the job and apartment because of a series of event in my life. Until my husband is unemployed, much cannot change my accounting calculations say.
- I have no one in my life to reflect me and support me in the lonely choice of not visiting my grandmother. I dont want to visit anymore just so my conscience is quiet. This makes me a person who is not of value.

For example, I would like to meet her just in family gatherings. For other family members birthdays. I feel anxiety and disgust visiting her. I dont want to do that anymore. But all kind of feelings and voices attack me just after writing this.

Sorry for the long post. I will be thankful for any further insight

[Hazy111]

uBPD waif?

[Ladymm]

My grandma?it might be