It's All My Fault!!

Started by tommom, November 18, 2019, 11:08:57 AM

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tommom

The deflection is just amazing!

There is a drip in the wall, somewhere in our kitchen. I have heard it, so has he. So today, he, sitting in a chair in my office he starts talking about the drip saying, "I just don't know what to do." I suggest just to try...You know, looking. Nope, just more word salad. Call a plumber friend...more word salad. He keeps wandering, I keep calmly coming back to it. He starts getting testy (since I'm not telling he what he wants to hear) I keep getting more blah, blah and I calmly answer each one, saying "Let's try working on that drip.." or "What does that have to do with the problem with the drip?" Finally he says it:

"It's all your fault!"

So I ask- genuinely confused- why it's MY fault???? In comes more deflections, circular conversation and the whole ball of wax. (Proud of myself remaining at MC through it all.) I keep asking, "But why is it MY fault?"

He always wants to talk about him, his problems, his this, his that, so when we do he tells me wistfully..."You should have studied psychology, you would have been great at that" or some such. Instead today he said...

"Boy, its a good thing you never became a psychologist!" Made me  :) inside, just a little...
"It is not my job to fix other people; everyone is on their own journey."

GettingOOTF

My BPDxH tried to blame me for his not getting a job.  Two years after we'd been divorced and a year since we'd had any contact.

While I regret breaking NC that moment showed me more than anything how he would never change and how it would always be my fault.

clara

My uNPDexh did the same thing!   :yeahthat:  Sat around the house until his unemployment ran out, until we didn't have enough money to pay rent (because he was fond of spending what I made) and then, when I complained about it, blamed me.  Said I didn't "encourage" him enough, or give him confidence, or some such BS.  I was astounded and didn't say anything, but holy cats, what a display of reaching!  Anything but blame himself or take responsibility.  Anything...and he thought I'd just accept it. 


NumbLotus

At least for my H, I think this is absolutely central to whatever makes him tick.

My H is not manipulative - he won't set up situations. But I think ultimately he cannot shoulder the blame for anything or he will break. Like, cometely break. Even for things I wouldn't even frame as a blame situation.

I could have that eaxct conversation about the drip with my H. I guess when I say he doesn't manipulate, maybe it's just in this one way. He would be feeling like he can't handle this (which I sincerely believe; he is non-functional). So he might ask me stuff in hopes that I will take it over and give him relief.

If I don't give him the desired response, he will become more agitated. And eventually he will blame me for the whole thing, because he can't deal with it and it's making him feel inadequate. He will sincerely feel I am to blame because he is in pain and I'm not helping. The pain he is in makes him blind to any perspective but his own.

And that latter part really gets me. If he watched a woman blame her husband for a drip it would trigger him. For the rest of his life he'd remember that horrible woman - all women, really - blaming her poor husband for a drip. But he coukd blame me all day long but it's different because I deserve it.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

Poison Ivy

When I was married, I sometimes thought (because of things my husband did and said) that he believed my primary obligation in the relationship was to keep him from feeling bad about himself.  For example, he said sometimes that the reason he didn't like to talk about topics such as him being unemployed, him not looking for work, and our finances was because he felt bad about himself when he did, and by implication, I wasn't being a supportive spouse when I would bring up these topics (which I rarely did because I knew how uncomfortable he felt about them).  But not talking about them gave him an out from doing anything about them.

StayWithMe

I always operate with the understanding that anything less than yes means no.  But then I had to learn that people who are very aggresive -- and sadly that included my exH-- will take anything less than no to mean yes and leave with the blame if it doesn't work out.

Is that a man thing?

My current husband is amused by my concern that I need to get closure with certain people so that nothing will come back on me.  My husband would say to certain situations, "you  don't need to address that."  I wish that male privilege as well.

GettingOOTF

Wow my BPDxH also didn't want to talk about those exact things because it made him feel bad about himself and of course I was terrible for putting him in that situation. I gave him so many passes.

It blows my mind that I thought it was acceptable to be with someone who thought they isn't have to work or stick to a budget. It's crazy! 

Poison Ivy

I confess that every once in awhile, I wanted to cast blame, but the majority of the time, I didn't; instead, I wanted to talk about our issues so that we could solve them. I was willing to accept my share of responsibility.

SparkStillLit

WOW, THIS!!!! If I talk about stuff that makes my H feel bad, it's my fault for making him feel bad, but if we don't discuss it, it's like he gets a pass for not dealing with it or doing anything about it!!!!
NO EFFING WIN!!!! And FREE RIDE FOR HIM!!!!

Lauren17

All this at my house, too!!
Everything is my fault. Kids are misbehaving? It's my bad parenting. DD is prone to temper tantrums? That comes from my side of the family.  :sadno:
H is fairly overweight and has failed at pretty much every diet out there. My fault! Sometimes it's because I didn't encourage him enough and sometimes it's because I asked about it too much and sometimes it's because I "wouldn't let him".
We are definitely not allowed to discuss things he feels badly about. That's me either being mean or picking a fight. I don't think I ever realized before that this is how he gets a pass on things.
Regarding the drip. My H would have denied hearing it. Because we all know that truth lies in whether or not the PD has said it out loud.
I've cried a thousand rivers. And now I'm swimming for the shore" (adapted from I'll be there for you)

SparkStillLit

If a tree fell in the forest and there wasn't a PD around to hear it....

NumbLotus

... whose fault would it be?
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

StayWithMe

Quote from: NumbLotus on November 21, 2019, 08:35:26 AM
... whose fault would it be?

One of the ways that my mother made my stay in her home unpleasant was to make me responsible for cleaning up for other people.  None of this was reciprocal, mind you.  She expected me to keep the bathroom clean while sharing it with a younger brother and sister.  My brother took pleasure in not raising the seat, so you know what that means. 

One Christmas my grandparents in town asked me to house sit their home for the holidays.  At the same time, my mother's parents were coming to visit.  They would be staying upstairs and using the bathroom --and toilet --that my brother used. 

I bet my mother went upstairs and did that herself.  It didn't change anything when I moved back to their house.

Bluebird

Quote from: Poison Ivy on November 19, 2019, 12:47:30 PM
When I was married, I sometimes thought (because of things my husband did and said) that he believed my primary obligation in the relationship was to keep him from feeling bad about himself. 

Poison Ivy this has resonated so, so much with me. I can remember numerous times where I have cried about something (either PDx related or something outside our relationship) and he has said "Don't cry, you're making me feel bad."