Restrictions

[LightofGold]

My Narc spouse (We are not married so I refer to him as my spouse) has restrictions on my  communications. I'm not allowed to talk to other men unless he approves of them,
I cant work a decent job because that would involve me being around people. Oh, and that includes men I'm sure. Now he does not actually say I can't get a job because of that reason, but he doesn't have to say it for me to understand. I'm not stupid.

I can't even take my car to the mechanics by myself unless I want to "put myself in that position", according to him.

I once got a call from the hospital wanting to talk to me about some medications and it was a male that left the message on my phone. I never got to call him back because my spouse said the guy must be desperate to find a girl. If a male greeter at the store says hello to me like he does everyone else, then he must be desperate to pick up women. It's ok for him to talk to women though.

Is anyone else here in a similar situation?

[Poison Ivy]

Your partner is extremely and abnormally controlling.  How does that behavior make you feel?

[notrightinthehead]

I agree with poison ivy. Your partner has a severe problem.

[clara]

 
I can see how this behavior is an extension of the NPD tendency to control every aspect of your life, but this is extreme.  My uNPDexh  would try to restrict my interactions with my own family, and would discourage me from forming friendships by telling me that the people I met (mostly people he knew) didn't like me etc.   It was all an attempt to keep others from knowing too much about HIM, because if they knew they might try to open my eyes to his behavior in other aspects of my life.  He wanted to isolate me socially, but the only place he couldn't do that was where I worked because he was more interested in the money I made than who I interacted with at work.  And yes, it was finally through  my workplace that I got involved in a social group where I made my own friends.  Honestly, I think what your partner is doing is dangerous, Light.   

[StayWithMe]

And yes, it was finally through  my workplace that I got involved in a social group where I made my own friends.  Honestly, I think what your partner is doing is dangerous, Light.   

QFT

One of the early warning signals of an abuser are:

1. Makes it difficult to hold down a job.
2. Makes it difficult to make and maintain relationships with family and friends.

Are you and he religious?

[GettingOOTF]

This is known as coercive control and in some counties it's illegal and prosecuted.

There are a lot of very worrying behaviors here, you are right to flag them. StayWithMe is correct, these are signs of abuse.  Men who exercise this level of control are dangerous. You absolutely have the right to hold down a job, speak to people and follow up on your medical care. Are you able to speak to a domestic violence line?

I strongly believe that the most important thing a woman can have is her own job and her own income. It gives us choices. Abusers hate this as it lessens their control. You read a lot about how in abusive relationships men stop women from working, often under the guise of being best for the children. Financial abuse is finally being recognized as a form of abuse. I worked, my ex didn't and he took and spent all the money.  One of us needed to work to pay for living expenses but he made sure I never had any money that would allow me to leave. I went without a lot during my marriage.  I was lucky in that I was able to save up and leave. Please think really hard about giving up your financial independence and losing job skills. This more than anything keeps women in abusive situations. 

[StayWithMe]

Well now that you mention it, there is a book called Coercive Control.  A very good read.  It discusses now now that physical abuse has been criminalized, mental abuse has not.  And it catches women when they react to it. 

[LightofGold]

Your partner is extremely and abnormally controlling.  How does that behavior make you feel?

Being treated like this makes me feel kind of like a prisoner. I don't feel like I'm living, I feel like I'm just existing. No freedom. I don't feel like myself most of the time. Its walking on eggshells behind closed doors, as a lot of people have no idea this is what our relationship is like. They only know what they can see. I get the silent treatment at times, and I hate it because I can just feel the tension radiating off of him. All it takes is for me to go somewhere when he would rather I stayed home, and that can set it off. He acts as if he can't stand to be away from me for any length of time.

If he thinks I'm going somewhere that involves other people, he wants to know who is going to be there. When I come back from somewhere, I get the question of who all was there, and in some instances, he asks if I need to go back and talk to anybody again.

It's the most energy draining thing I've ever experienced in my life.

I thank all of you for all the responses. It really helps to get other opinions on this stuff so I know that I'm not crazy or judging this all wrong.

[Poison Ivy]

Your situation is unhealthy and potentially unsafe.  Are you free to leave this person permanently? Are you financially able to leave this person permanently? I encourage you to try to leave, if you can do so safely.

[GettingOOTF]

It's common for our friends, family, neighbors and colleagues to have no idea what it's like. Abusers have a totally different persona outside of the house.

People always told me how lucky I was to have my ex as a husband and how ouch he loved me. This caused me to doubt the abuse as I no longer trusted my judgment and I was the only person who was unhappy.

Every time you read about an abusive man killing his spouse family and friends who are interviewed say "they seems so happy". That gets me every time. People have no idea.

You feel like a prisoner because you are one, you don't feel like you are really living because you aren't. Your instincts are so strong! You see the situation for what it is. Learn to trust that, lean in to it.

So many of us here have been where you are. We know what it's like, how it feels and how hard it is to leave. You have found the right place for support.

[StayWithMe]

What was your spouse like in the early days of your relationship with him?

I can think of 2 guys that I dated who were like that.  I persevered to some degree because my parents had made feel worthless.  in my late 20s, I needed to hurry up and find a husband.  So I should acting so stubborn.  I gave both of the consideration but thankfully logic ruled the day.  For example, one of the guys thought he was being generous that if I was going to be late for ANYTHING including just coming home, that I should at least call him and let him know. 

now this was during a time when there were no cellphones.  so quite often, to make a phone call while one was out and about meant that you had stop somewhere, hope that there was a functioning payphone and that it was reasonably safe to stop and make that call.  So this bf of mine was making that argument that he cared about my safety.  "How can you care my safety when you are insisting that I do something risky when my arriving late makes no difference on the rest of the evening?"

I really hope you get the support that you need to disentangle yourself from this guy. 

[LightofGold]

He definitely had me fooled in the early days, which was about fifteen years ago. He seemed like a great catch at first, and little by little the signs slowly started to show. Of course,  naturally, I was too nice and too unaware to consider it out of place. He had me believing that he was the best thing for me and I could do no better, because he was the best. I thought whatever he did and said had to be golden. Until I finally woke up too late.

I'm in too deep now. Financially, yes, I could leave him. Am I free to leave him permanently? No, I am not. We have a child together.  He will NOT let this slide peacefully. I have no doubt that it will be a long battle. He will most likely do what he can to make sure I realize I "made a huge mistake." I will never be able to let my guard down. He would go out of his way to ruin someone's life. Not in a physical way, but to make someone's life miserable. That could include getting someone in trouble for whatever reason.

Also, I was told that he would get weekend visitation rights with our child no matter what, because I don't have strong enough grounds to back me up.

So as much as I want to leave, I just don't know yet if it's a good idea. I'm still thinking over my options.

[GettingOOTF]

We leave when we are ready. It's a big step with a lot of considerations and it take time and effort to get to that place. Many of us leave and then go back, more than once. It's a journey. What ever you decide there is support here.

[StayWithMe]

I would find a women's advocacy group to get advice on your rights and how to manage your exit from this relationship.

[Lauren17]

I'd like to recommend womenshealth.gov
Lots of good resources there if you live in The States. If not, there's still good information.

[LightofGold]

I guess I'll just have to chance it and be prepared for whatever gets thrown at me.
I'll never know unless I take that step. I just don't know why it has to be so complicated.

Thanks for lending a  listening ear, you guys. I'll keep posting as things progress.
Also, that womenshealth.gov website sounds familiar.  I may have been to it or at least heard of it. Its good to have support here! I never thought I would find myself in such a messed up situation.