How I Feel Overall, Can Anyone Else Relate To This?

[HindSightIs2020]

Overall, I honestly have very mixed feelings towards both of my parents. In a way, I don't feel like they were entirely out to get me or anything like that over the years. To a point, they did the right things and I think they wanted to see good outcomes for me overall. They didn't seem to just be setting me up to fail and sabotaging me at every turn or anything. And in some ways, they kind of went out of their way in a sense. So, I did sort of connect with them in a way. But at the same time, they are really callous, cruel, and just horrible as well. Obviously, this side of them angers me immensely, why the hell wouldn't it? Despite this, how I feel in entirety sort of depends on what they do in the here and now. Because they show signs of possibly not continuing the same judgment and total disrespect that I saw earlier in my adult life.

If they choose to basically accept me and my life choices in the here and now (even though they did not in the past), I wouldn't necessarily say that I "forgive" them for everything or that it somehow justifies their past behavior towards me. But I wouldn't entirely think of them in a negative light either, and I'd still be able to enjoy their company and keep in touch. In a sense, I would see that perhaps as awful and truly horrendous as they can be, they value keeping me in their lives and spending time with me enough to ultimately choose to the right thing. And if they don't, well then they truly are horrible through and through really. And would definitely go NC.

[argh]

Overall, I honestly have very mixed feelings towards both of my parents. In a way, I don't feel like they were entirely out to get me or anything like that over the years. To a point, they did the right things and I think they wanted to see good outcomes for me overall. They didn't seem to just be setting me up to fail and sabotaging me at every turn or anything. And in some ways, they kind of went out of their way in a sense. So, I did sort of connect with them in a way. But at the same time, they are really callous, cruel, and just horrible as well. Obviously, this side of them angers me immensely, why the hell wouldn't it? Despite this, how I feel in entirety sort of depends on what they do in the here and now. Because they show signs of possibly not continuing the same judgment and total disrespect that I saw earlier in my adult life.

If they choose to basically accept me and my life choices in the here and now (even though they did not in the past), I wouldn't necessarily say that I "forgive" them for everything or that it somehow justifies their past behavior towards me. But I wouldn't entirely think of them in a negative light either, and I'd still be able to enjoy their company and keep in touch. In a sense, I would see that perhaps as awful and truly horrendous as they can be, they value keeping me in their lives and spending time with me enough to ultimately choose to the right thing. And if they don't, well then they truly are horrible through and through really. And would definitely go NC.

Everyone's situation is different. My own personal experience is that I wasted YEARS of my life thinking that I had to have my mother in my life. My father was easier to cut off because he buggered off. But now - I am very VERY happy without seeing them at all. But I imagine in some circumstances it is possible to renegotiate a relationship and that could be a good thing. I think the trick is to try to be really self aware about why you want to keep a relationship and why it is of a benefit to you. If you think you are doing it for healthy reasons then great. But I think that self awareness if the really hard state to reach!

[Spring Butterfly]

It sounds like you have a very balanced viewpoint. Sometimes toxic people can adjust or they can maintain good behavior for a finite amount of time. Remember that personality disorders are on a spectrum, some have a certain level of insight and realize their behavior is off and on the other end of the spectrum there's complete denial.

In the end very rarely is someone entirely good or entirely bad which is good because that sort of black and white splitting is not healthy.

Below is a link to an excerpt from a book I found helpful. Sometimes after taking a step back and healing you can with new eyes determine how much contact good and healthy oh, how much is manageable for you and your circumstance with your unique PD person.

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=29251.msg568720#msg568720

[gettingstronger1]

HindSightIs2020,

It sounds like your parents behavior is very confusing to you because they give you mixed messages. If I am understanding you right, it sounds like they are kind and loving one day and mean and cruel the next.  How has their general treatment of you been in the last year?  If they are consistently kind then maybe they have changed, but I doubt that is what is happening. Do they value having you in their life because they need a scapegoat, or have they truly changed and consistently show loving respectful behavior?  The behavior of emotionally healthy people is consistent every day.  Emotionally healthy people are consistently kind to you every day.  Emotionally healthy people don't rage or demean other people.  Emotionally healthy people may occasionally have a bad day and say something wrong but when this is pointed out to them they may feel some hurt or anger initially but they come around and talk about it in an adult manner and they give sincere apologies.   So what I am saying is that if they are still behaving badly then you have a real problem.

My uSPDmother was consistently difficult to deal with and she showed no love or remorse so it was very clear that NC with my mom was the answer.   On the other hand, my uNPD mother in law was more confusing.  She can do really mean and demeaning things one day and the next day she would turn around and tell you how much she loves you.  This is not real love. She basically taught my husband that abusive behavior was love.  So he grew up with a dysfunctional view of what real love is.  My husband and I felt confused by the displays of love and then later she was really cruel.  Who is the real person that we are dealing with?   It sounds like your situation with your parents might be similar to our situation with my mother in law.  What you describe about your parent is that they are confusing you with two different types of behavior.  Your parents can be loving, but they can also be abusive.  You may want to google the term "love bombing," and the "Cycle of Abuse."  When you read about the cycle of abuse pay special attention to the "Honeymoon Phase,"  because this is the phase where abusers love bomb in order to keep you in an abusive relationship.  Love bombing explains why abusers rotate between being cruel and abusive to being kind.  So in answer to your question,  I can definitely relate to what is happening to you. I will attach some articles for you that might help with your situation.  If they ring true to you and you can relate that is great, but ultimately only you can make the decision about what is best to do. 

Article on Trauma Bonding:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201905/trauma-bonding-codependency-and-narcissistic-abuse

Article on Love Bombing

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/recovering-narcissist/2017/07/the-powerful-effect-of-love-bombing-and-intermittent-reinforcement-on-children-of-narcissists/