I can't believe I never knew my sister is a malignant narcissist :-(

[Healing Finally]

Hi all 

I just watched this video from the "Surviving Narcissism" youtube channel:

THERE'S NARCISSISM, THEN THERE'S MALIGNANT NARCISSISM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viknzcweCHQ

I am in shock that I never knew my younger sister's narcissism was to the point of malignant.  This video totally describes her.  She has always been supported; from my parents to her husband (soon to be ex,) to her current boyfriend, so she's never fully been responsible for herself.  I knew she was extreme, and I seriously believe she is NPD (as one example she acts and dresses like a teenager even though she will be 60 years old next year!)  I've been referring to her here as my (u)NPD sister, but as it is undiagnosed I haven't felt completely right about this, but I can and will in the future refer her now as a malignant narcissist.

I just wish I was more assertive with my research in regards to "narcissistic abuse", it took me years to come to terms with the idea of abuse. When I finally did, my eyes opened wide on the dysfunctional family dynamic that has revolved around my sister's narcissistic personality.  I was one of her flying monkeys until I broke free over 5 years ago (when I send a disgruntled email to my BIL regarding my sister's narcissistic behavior, which he showed to my Mom and they showed to my sister.)  If I had known she was a "malignant narcissist" I would have been much more careful, and yet it took my being set free to discover the abuse and my subsequent c-ptsd.

This video finally convinces me that there is no way I can do anything that's going to help our family heal, except to continue on my own personal healing path without them.  I see my Mom in pain as we all haven't been together for over 5 years due to my sister's wishes. Even though "the rift" was initiated by me (by sending the angry email) I no longer have to feel responsible (as I am currently being scapegoated for.)  I conceptually understand my FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) but it's been tough to shake it when I'm still being blamed and my Mom stands up for my sister.

At any rate, I wanted to share with you all, when someone is to this level, it is wise to be very careful with them as they will make your life miserable when they can, as it helps them to feel better about themselves.  As long as my sister keeps me out of the family unit, she's the winner.  At this point I now know, I need to let go of the dream of that family unit, for good. 

Thanks for listening...hugs to all 

[bloomie]

Healing Finally - thank you for sharing this! I look forward to watching it.

This is a hard won and precious piece of firm ground you have claimed for yourself:

there is no way I can do anything that's going to help our family heal, except to continue on my own personal healing path without them.

So very wise.

[Hazy111]

I prefer BPD, narcissism is far too narrow. All Borderlines are narcissists.

I realised too i couldnt just go NC with uBPD sister, the whole extended family is toxic and dysfunctional riven by fellow PDs acting as flying monkeys etc.

So many threads coming to the  same conclusion.   

[bookbutterfly]

I can so relate to this and am so happy you are free of it.
I only realised the same thing about my younger sister 2 years ago. Its been a shock reaching the acceptance stage.

Everyday the freedom grows stronger though, and its so worth it.

[gentle rain]

I share the same revelation. Finally put all the puzzling pieces together several years ago, and the complete picture revealed this type of personality and abuse rampant in both my immediate and extended family. Whew!

I was always aware I was singled out to be the scapegoat, but didn't fully understand why until much damage was already done. Lifelong 'one step forward/two steps back' for me.

Have been committed to NC with entire family/friends of family for several years, and am finally finding peace of mind and pieces of my lost mind. Sure gets lonely sometimes, but I prefer it to the madness.

Thanks for the YouTube link! I've just watched several of his vids and have downloaded samples of two of his books. I'll continue to take all the genuine help and education I can get!

Good luck to you on your own journey...

[newlife33]

It's okay! As children a lot of times we have to make these rationalizations and Overlook things because it would be too painful for us back then. Then when we get older and have more space to think, the truth sometimes comes out. I'm glad you have figured things out and are starting to heal, it's going to be okay.

I also like what Gentle Rain said,
"Sure gets lonely sometimes, but I prefer it to the madness."

I agree with this and have been coming to the same realization. A lot of times I want to run for my loneliness and go back to them or go back to people who are not kind to me. But then I remember loneliness is temporary and the more I heal the less the loneliness happens and the more I feel connected.

[guitarman]

I say to myself now that my uBPD/uNPD sister is just someone that I used to know. It helps to distance and detach myself from her abusive behaviour.

You may find the counsellor and author Kris Godinez of help to you. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. She gives regular talks most Sundays on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

Best wishes

Guitarman

[Hazy111]

"Sure gets lonely sometimes, but I prefer it to the madness."

Yes i agree, especially this time of year.

[S.R.C]

Hi, I've just joined.  I woke up to the truth of my sister just over 2 years ago.  My sister has committed the most henious ill acts any human could do to another, especially there own sister.  She gets away with it. !!!  Frustrating others are still been fooled by the psychopath narcassist. (My sister)
I still struggle to except what she has done, what she is involved in & who she really is.. 

[appaloosa]

I'm pretty sure my sis is an uNPD--but I think she was different when we were kids. It seemed like her personality gradually changed over the years. I went NC a few years ago after one particularly horrible visit where I couldn't ignore the nasty (nonstop) things she said to me. But back when we were younger she wasn't like this. Has your sister always been this way do you think? It's sad because I miss the sister I used to have.

[Healing Finally]

Thank you all for your comments    I really appreciate these as they help me to see the long and difficult road I have traveled to get to this point, and know that there is still a long road ahead.

I've been suffering through the holidays as my Mom supports my sister's wishes to keep me out of the picture. Apparently I can't let go of "the dream" of our family still being together.  I don't even know why I wish this, as I would prefer to never see my sister again. 

To appaloosa:  So sorry to hear you've had to suffer with your sister's behavior.  Yes my sister was always this way.  She is covert, so she was good with her manipulation behind the scenes.  Are you sure your sister is NPD?  With the lashing out behavior that sounds more like Borderline Personality Disorder, which includes a lot of narcissism.

To Hazy111: My sister is (u)NPD not (u)BPD, my sister is not Borderline as she does not lash out or loose her cool.

To guitarman:  I will look into Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome.  I have recently moved and am looking for a new therapist.  Hopefully I will find someone who is up to speed with cptsd.  I had to educate my last therapist!

Regarding this quote from gentle rain: "Sure gets lonely sometimes, but I prefer it to the madness."  I can't relate because I'm still not "alone" as I continue to be in touch with my Mom.  I am seriously considering going NC as she supports my sisters needs, due to her own cptsd, which keeps me out of the picture.  But I hate to do that.

[Blodyn]

I discovered that my sister is a malignant narcissist from watching the same video.

I would recommend the Surviving Narcissism Chanel on YouTube to anyone who has suffered narcissistic abuse.  Excellent series of videos that really draw out the more subtle traits of narcissism that are all too often missed.