Determined to go NC but overwhelmed - where do I start?

[Outofhere]

Hello all.

It's time to cut and run. Actually, it was years ago, but it's taken me finally seeing how my husband gaslights and made me believe everything wrong in our lives was my fault. I'm ashamed I fell into this trap, but dwelling on that won't change the past. His rages, binge drinking, destruction, claims of never saying or doing the things he did and turning them on me - it's a story that is sadly far too common on this forum. I've been journaling each incident now, including hitting 'record' on my phone in case I get second thoughts once I'm out the door.

I'm prepping to go full-on NO CONTACT - I know it is the only way he won't be able to destroy me any further. I'm terrified of him, and unless I'm somewhere he can never find me again, he isn't going to let go. We've been married 35 steadily declining years - again, all MY fault (NOT!) and I finally understand the only changes he makes are for the worst. I could write pages on this AFTER I'm out the door. That's my first priority. I'm preparing to walk away from my home of 25 years, leave anything I can't fit in a car behind, taking only the essentials. I loved this house, but now I only want to see it in my rearview mirror. He's tried to isolate me from everyone but I have some friends and family ready to assist, though I don't plan to stay anywhere he can find me. He thinks he has me trapped with nowhere to go, but I'd rather live happily and contently in a van or tiny mobile home, just me and the pets than stay with the never-ending abuse. Growing up, I lived on a small boat and I know how to live simply and frugally, (something my materialistic, keep up with the Joneses, shopaholic husband constantly attacks, deliberately buying unnecessary things out of spite, keeping us scraping by as a result. I have the ability to work remotely, so long as I can actually sleep and not spend my days tending to a giant, angry, drunk man-toddler. And I have some retirement money I'm going to tap into early - I can replace it once I'm out and the house is sold.

But right now I have so many questions. Where to start? Once I'm out, there's no going back, so I want to be sure I have everything in order. Kids aren't an issue; our daughter is an adult and lives elsewhere. I have pets and I will NOT be leaving them behind. I'll be speaking to a divorce attorney in the coming days. What else should I be sure to do before I go? I'm so sleep-deprived (every night it's some new drama, sometimes for hours) worn down and burnt out I can't think straight.  So, to those of you who have taken that next step, what would you advise?   

[sad_dog_mommy]

Hello!

No contact is the best way to speed up the healing process!   While you are still in the home make copies of important financial documents.  Have you started to squirrel away some cash?   Start packing up the sentimental things you can't leave behind like old family photos.  Maybe store some things with a friend for a while?  Make sure you find out your legal position regarding the house when you meet with your attorney.   What happens if he refuses to sell?   He could drag things out just to be spiteful.

My exBPDbf was also an alcoholic so I know what it is like to be around a drunken, rage filled person.   I never knew what could set off the next rage.  Walking around on eggshells in your own home is exhausting and I hope you are able to move into your tiny house soon.

((( hug )))

p.s.  Have you thought about getting a new cell phone and number?

[floreat]

I just wanted to send you a whole lot of love, you sound like you have been completely backed into a corner, but also like you are a strong person with the ability to reclaim your independence. I know the sleep-deprivation in particular can make it extra hard to cope and plan, but you've got through 35 years of this sh*t, you can definitely manage this escape.

I echo the last poster - if you can get an independent cell phone set up that you keep outside of the home and use there, that can really give you more options - you can start keep photos of important documents, contact numbers, make domestic violence hotline calls, make basic 'logistical' arrangements, compile packing lists, browse the web independently, and all that good stuff in one place. It is a great first independence tool.

If you can, when you make your big move, get a friend or family member (preferably more than one) to keep you company - they should be a little calmer in the situation, and can help remind you of useful things and provide encouragement.

The attorney is the best adviser on the legal situation surrounding the house and the pets - those are the two 'big ticket' priorities that you want to make sure are covered.

Remember that getting out is just taking one little step after another. If you keep moving towards that goal, you'll get there.

[Outofhere]

I DID IT!!!!

Monday I loaded myself, my dogs, a suitcase of clothes and what little else I could fit into my little car and LEFT!

It's been a hectic, crazy week, but I'm sleeping better than I have in years! The only thing overwhelming right now is the amount of relief I'm feeling. I'm sleeping through the nights and taking each day as it comes, free from the screaming, the destructive rages, the fear, the sick feeling in my gut. My head is calm and clear, and I feel as though the weight of everything crushing me is gone.

He came home to a dark, empty house. He was shocked and blindsided. He had no idea "things were that bad." The few things I couldn't take but didn't want to leave are safely in storage. I've gone full no-contact, and he's not taking it well. First he sent the "I'm sorry and I'll go to therapy" emails - I didn't respond. He received notification that all communication should go through my attorney and that divorce papers will follow, and he seems to have had a mental breakdown, perhaps for attention, perhaps because his emotional support/emotional punching bag was gone. He ended up in the hospital for anxiety, and now they're keeping him there. He knows our daughter is in contact with me, but I haven't rushed there to be by his side. I contacted the doctor and explained why his heartless wife had abandoned him, let her know about his drinking, his rages, how he terrorized and terrified me, his threats and all the rest - she spoke with me for over an hour.  It looks like he may be staying for a while. I certainly hope so. Maybe he'll finally get the help he truly needs, but it's not my problem. Not anymore.

Life with him had been an ongoing nightmare. I'm not going back. He had no sympathy for the way he acted towards me, and now I have no sympathy for him. I try to think back on any good memories, but I can't recall any.  - the bad memories had completely buried whatever I may have felt for him. I used to give a f*ck, but I guess I ran out of f*cks to give, and I don't feel bad about that either. Long ago there was a person I think I loved, but he's the one who made me loathe him. I don't even feel bad that I don't feel bad. I feel good, damned good in fact, and maybe that makes me a bad person, but oh well. He has only himself to blame, though I'm sure he'll blame me. But hey, everything was always my fault anyhow, so BFD.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring or what drama he'll create, but whatever it is, I'm gone and I'm not going back. Not ever. Not after what he put me through. And I don't feel bad for him that he feels bad - he has only himself to thank for where he is now.

[whatamaroon]

That first step is the hardest. Leaving and actually telling them. I'd be jumping for joy too if my DH wasn't playing keep away with our daughter. I left on Monday too . He was menacing me in my own home left and right, like you bullying me into spending money left and right so I never had any extra. Been together a little over 20 years. Every time I feel any twinge of sympathy for him I just remember how he used to relish mocking me, calling me names, and insulting my family in the worst ways. Telling me I had no safe space to go. OMG...how can I have sympathy for someone like this?!!

[Boat Babe]

Hiya. What an excellent thing you have done. I'm glad you are feeling strong and positive.
I am three and a half years out from my marriage of 21 years. (Thankfully, my ex is not PD, he's not the reason I am here) I was utterly devasted and could barely function. I managed to put one foot in front of the other however and things began to come together. Now I am in a good place again. Although financially poor, I have my little boat and my gorgeous dog and the beauty of the Norfolk countryside. I have a great relationship with my adult son and the best friends in the world. I have come a long long way and so will you. Sending you love and luck for this exciting time of your life.

[cant turn back]

 

Greatest update ever!!

[capybara]

It sounds like you went through a lot! Is your daughter ok? Can you contact her at all?

[Outofhere]

One week in, and no thoughts of ever going back. Today's a weird day, I'm at loose ends as I try to get myself on track, not knowing where that track goes. I only know that track is better than where I'd been.

sad_dog_mommy - I took as many of the steps you listed as I could, still had a few more to do but things were getting so terrifying I had to leave when I did. The few things I had that I couldn't take with me were moved to storage thanks to help from my daughter and her husband. I grabbed critical paperwork from my desk and backed up my desktop computer to a removable hard drive. I had enough money put away to manage for a time, and a safe and welcoming place for me and the pets to stay, hours away from him. I still have the same phone but I've killed any location functions and I blocked his calls and texts. What happens with the house remains to be seen; he's still hospitalized for 'psychiatric' reasons.

capybara - I've been speaking with my daughter daily. She's been visiting her father during his hospitalization and explained to him why I left.  I have an Ion Channelopathy (Hypokalemic Periodic Paralysis - it's a rare genetic disease) which can cause my muscles to become paralyzed, including my heart, which is why I have a pacemaker. (My daughter had to drag him to the hospital when I had that surgery - he was sitting at home watching tv when she stopped by the house to check on the pets before coming to see me - I'll never forget that day.) That's when things really started going downhill. It was as if he was furious at me for being 'broken.' To add to the fun, stress is a major trigger. The more he screamed at me, the more paralytic episodes  I'd have. Then he'd stand over me, screaming at the top of his lungs that my paralysis was "ruining all his fun" while I lay helpless, struggling to breathe and unable to escape, speak or even dial 911.NEVER AGAIN!

My daughter said she would try to help her father get the help he needs, though she's made her boundaries clear and is handling everything exceptionally well. She supports me completely in my decision and agrees had I not left he would have only become worse and it was slowly killing me. She said maybe now he'll finally get the mental help he so badly needs, but she also understands I'm past ever going back, doesn't blame me, and agrees that's for the best. When she was growing up I always did my best to shield her from his anger, taking the brunt of it myself, and fortunately she has grown into a strong woman with rock solid boundaries. She's not taking any of his b.s. and is handling him better than I ever could, as well as keeping an eye on the house for me. I guess I did something right - I can't help but admire the person she's become.

As for the house, I have no idea how that will play out, especially while he's having his breakdown. As with everything else, only time will tell. There's only one thing for certain. I'm never going back. My body and mind are finally getting the rest they desperately needed. If I stayed, I know it would have eventually killed me. Now I can finally live.