Why won't she just leave us alone?

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BeanerJane

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Why won't she just leave us alone?
« on: November 20, 2019, 04:03:58 PM »
Long time lurker, first time poster.  I've been NC with my elderly BPD mother for three years.  To make a long story short, she's a miserable, manipulative woman.  Her special brand of poison is to write long letters detailing how she was wronged, the moral failings of people around her, and reimagined life events.  When I was a kid she would have these wild mood swings that came out of the blue.  I never knew if she was going to take me to the mall and drop a month's salary on clothes or slap me around or both.  It was terrifying.  As she got older and I got bigger the slapping stopped but in order to get her way she leveled up her manipulation.  My aunt put it best when she said 'I will never be in the same room with her again.  She interrogates and analyzes me and then uses it against me!"

She especially hates my cousin who I happen to own a house with.  It's triggering for her and despite three years of no contact she will still reach out about this house and try to insert her opinion (read: manipulate the situation).  If I can catch her letters I write 'return to sender' on them and back they go.  She'll go to great lengths to get one through the filter.  She sent a certified letter once which I also did a RTS (she didn't realize I could do that). She's now figured out that if she addresses the letters to my husband and doesn't put a return address on them they get through.  Crafty old bat.

She is WELL AWARE I want nothing to do with her.  Today we received one of her letters.  It starts off with "Just to make sure someone in your family has accurate knowledge about how ownership in that property works..." 

I am so, so tired of her.  Why can't she just leave us alone?  I've already blocked her emails, phone numbers, and most of her letters.   Is there ANYTHING else I can do to firewall her out?

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: Why won't she just leave us alone?
« Reply #1 on: November 20, 2019, 05:58:08 PM »
I have an elderly, miserable, manipulative uPDmother too. I'm sorry for both of us.

They are crafty, aren't they? My PDmom looks up everyone she knows on the internet. Scary how much she can find on people who want nothing to do with her. I don't know what else you could do to block mail from her. Maybe your husband gets a piece of mail from her and rips it up without reading too far down the letter?

Someone here once posted not to write Return to Sender because the PD person knows you received the letter and made the effort to return it. It gives them some sort of narc supply which is the ultimate goal.  :(

Keep posting BeanerJane!

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qcdlvl

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Re: Why won't she just leave us alone?
« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2019, 07:15:26 PM »
There are a couple if things you could do:

-Have a lawyer send them a C&D letter through some signed delivery service. They're not binding, but she might not know that and even if she does, it shows you've lawyered up and thus might end up enacting consequences she won't like if she keeps it up (for this reason, it's better to have a lawyer send it than send a DIY version, although that's also a possibility). This is hard evidence you told her contact is unwanted, which may be useful, even necessary, if you seek a RO or sue for harrassment, or have to fend off a lawsuit from her (like a grandparents' rights lawsuit if you have children, now or in the future).
-You could play the long game and deprive her of any response whatsoever. Return to sender may be used by her to play martyr to whoever will listen. So simply do nothing, no reply, no return to sender to any mail, keep her blocked on your phone. I advice against destroying mail unread, as any threatening or abusive messages are evidence against her - but you don't have to read it, it can stay unread somewhere, or you can ask your DH or someone else you trust to read and then decide what to do - my advice is  hoovers and lovebombing get shred, threats and abuse go to an "evidence" folder, as do blatant lies you can disprove (they speak to her character). If you get any signed delivery mail, refuse to sign - it will get returned eventually to her, but without her knowing who refused it or why.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Why won't she just leave us alone?
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2019, 01:27:27 AM »
Hi Beanerjane - and welcome!  :)

I second Qc - a Cease and Desist, crafted on a lawyer's letterhead, might be just what you need to shut her the hell up. 

A C&D isn't legally binding, but the way it's worded, it doesn't sound like a request!   :evil2:

And it does pave the way if you need to take out an RO.

I'd also suggest *not* writing RTS on the letters - just throw them out and leave her guessing.  If your DH gets one, ask him to not read you the contents, and to just destroy the thing.

It might make you feel better to make a ritual out of destroying her letters - shredding them?  Burning them?  Composting them?  Or just tearing them into a million pieces and chucking them in the recycle bin?  It's up to you, but I'm sure you'll come up with something far more satisfying than RTS, and giving her some kind of a supply.

Or you can save them, as Qc suggests, just in case you need them for further action against her. 

 :hug:

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BeanerJane

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Re: Why won't she just leave us alone?
« Reply #4 on: November 21, 2019, 10:18:36 AM »
I have an elderly, miserable, manipulative uPDmother too. I'm sorry for both of us.

They are crafty, aren't they? My PDmom looks up everyone she knows on the internet. Scary how much she can find on people who want nothing to do with her. I don't know what else you could do to block mail from her. Maybe your husband gets a piece of mail from her and rips it up without reading too far down the letter?

Someone here once posted not to write Return to Sender because the PD person knows you received the letter and made the effort to return it. It gives them some sort of narc supply which is the ultimate goal.  :(

Keep posting BeanerJane!

OMG, yes!  She is the queen of stalking.  Before I went NC with her she found a comment I left on a recipe on the Food Network site and mentioned it to me: "So, BeanerJane did you end up making the <thing on Food Network>?".  She'd been googling my name and absorbing any information she could find.  For my own sanity I've closed down all my social media accounts and removed my name from the internet (there's a service that will do it).  She can google her black heart out now.  There's nothing to find.  Unfortunately she knows my address and keeps tabs on me that way.