After we are out

[notrightinthehead]

For a while now have I struggled with my fury about how my NPDh treated me and that I allowed him to do so.  Another issue I find hard to accept is that I am out for almost two years now – and safe – yet if I have anything to do with him, be it that he emails me, or friends talk about him,  or the thought that eventually I will have to dissolve the marital home and get my things out , fills me with such fear (and fury) that I am almost petrified by it. I find this quite ridiculous, yet cannot do anything about it.
Recently I have started to work through the book "It's my life now" by Dougan and Hock. And I found it to be a workbook, reading and re-reading some chapters and then doing the exercises. In the chapter 'When feelings overwhelm you' I found such comfort in an explanation why the fear is still with me when I am out for almost two years.  Their explanation is that the fear is triggered when situations occur that used to cause a downward spiral and led to abuse.  I have been conditioned to anticipate abuse in such situations and now slowly have to undo the conditioning. I find it so comforting to read, that just because I have escaped the abuse does not mean I am well immediately.  Quite the opposite – it is a struggle. And the longer the conditioning has been endured, the longer I need to work to undo it. For me it is a bit like giving up smoking – the suffering from the withdrawal made me question my reasons for doing it. Giving up seemed worse than continuing the unhealthy habit.

Anybody else battling with their feelings after they left?

[Latchkey]

Yes, and I still have dreams about smoking though I quit 23 years ago.

I'm still living in the marital home and we are divorced now 5 years. Every year a bit more gets tossed, but then, I have the stuff from the 1st marriage that still lingers. Boxes I don't want to open and when I do I get angry that I've kept stuff too long or my younger self just packed up all the good with the bad, unable to slow down then and still unable to completely unpack the trauma. I had to unpack a bunch of boxes last year to find old transcripts and started calling them "trauma boxes"  because I had kids pictures mixed with receipts and important papers and drawings and files labled mostly by year only like - 2003- and I open it and there is all the trauma just waiting- but I can tell you- though the initial pain and anger and fear is there it's like 1/10th of it was back then and hopefully will be for you if you have to go back there any time soon.

Be gentle to yourself, whatever will happen will happen. I know anger is part of grief and it can take a long time to process through.  I think it will get better the longer you are away and it is getting better now, still painful, but not as bad as when the initial shocks of realization hit.