Father issues continued....

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Whitesheep45

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Father issues continued....
« on: November 21, 2019, 06:07:14 PM »
Hi
So since putting boundaries in with my f he is more distant in his communication..
The last call I made he said 'maybe I'll call u next time'. I said 'that would be good' (I'm sick of always being the one to make contact).
After 4 mths I got a hope u are well text and now 5 mths later nothing..

I'm working with t on expressing my feelings more and I'm wondering if /when he calls to say I have found it upsetting it's been so long.
This would be a first for me expressing a feeling without anger.
I just don't know if it's the right thing to do? It feels right for me..
What his response will be is another story..

Any suggestions experience around this appreciated

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bloomie

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Re: Father issues continued....
« Reply #1 on: November 22, 2019, 01:34:55 PM »
Whitesheep45 - hi there. Something that has been a surprisingly big part of coming OOTF for is to step back and let someone I have made a sincere and conscious effort to keep the relationship alive with walk away if they choose. I have come to believe for myself that it is good and right to expect a reasonable level of reciprocity and effort from a close family member like a parent.

In my own case, a huge sense of entitlement was in place in relationship with my uPD parents. I was brought up to be responsible for a very long time until my heart couldn't take it any more to believe that any relational gains were for them. A relationship that was as one sided as I was developmentally able to handle, always, was hard to find a reset button on.

Like you, when I dropped the rope and did not initiate it was radio silence until they needed or wanted something from me. That stings a lot and I have had to work through the feelings and decide when to speak up and when to be silent. What would be productive to say and what would bring more pain and suffering to my heart and life.

Only you know if this is an important time to share your feelings about the length of time between contact and inadequacy of his efforts in the relationship and how that does not work for you.  For me, I needed to know I had communicated the issues that were important and hurting me clearly, one time.

If you do choose to let him know how you are feeling his response is 100% his responsibility to manage.

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Whitesheep45

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Re: Father issues continued....
« Reply #2 on: November 23, 2019, 08:50:46 AM »
Thank u bloomie it is so helpful to hear your experience in this area...

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'surprisingly big part of coming OOTF for is to step back and let someone I have made a sincere and conscious effort to keep the relationship alive with walk away if they choose. I have come to believe for myself that it is good and right to expect a reasonable level of reciprocity and effort from a close family member like a parent.

It's so painful for me to come to see when I stopped giving as much, stepped back fr being a smoother mummy and put some boundaries in place, the main one being I don't have him stay or I don't stay with him.. The consequence is the silence.
I have a strong pull to want to get him to open up, for me to explain why I did what I did and for us to reconcile.
I know he comes from trauma and a healthier father would ask why I changed my contact and we would explore that.
I still after my 46 yrs on the planet have disbelief that a f can be so one sided. But I'm coming to see this is the reality and I can't change it. It hurts... Another parent who is rejecting...
I can only assume he feels hurt and rejected.. But I know untimately they are his feelings to have and it would not be healthy for me to try to rescue the situation.... Again..... That pattern needs to stop for me... I can't do it anymore.
I put the boundary in of us not staying together when he visited or I him but I still went... I still had him here in accomodation and visa versa.
I guess I'm trying to justify myself here...
I still feel wrong... But people in recovery helped me to set boundaries so it can't be wrong.. Can it?
For me

The last time my f visited I saw just how little respect he had for me as a women.. It made me sick.. His negativity, self absorbed Ness and anger were too much to bear..

I just am wondering lately in therapy why I always always feel the wrong one... Why its so strong to draw the conclusion of its me.... But I do know why I'm starting to see more shame lives to my core.
I'm starting to stand up and say I haven't done anything wrong,,, I ve tried and compromised myself so much its sickening. I don't feel so much anger these days its more that awareness is becoming wider and my need to step out of old roles stronger.
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'What would be productive to say and what would bring more pain and suffering to my heart and life'

Indeed, I'd like to think I have no expectations of being heard but I know that isn't true.. Acceptance of nothing is hard.. I love him.. I want my dad but I never had him to begin with...
Illusion
I'm tired of blame, of self rejection and of not being able to live without this my family legacy... It gets so draining and in fact..... Boring..





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bloomie

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Re: Father issues continued....
« Reply #3 on: November 23, 2019, 01:24:34 PM »
Oh Whitesheep45 so much you are working through and processing as you begin to have self compassion and a right and loving view of yourself in all of this. There is not a single thing in this world wrong with setting limits on your availability or what you allow in relationship with yourself. In fact, I have learned it is love - for myself and others - to be a person with healthy boundaries respectfully lived out and when necessary kindly communicated.

So great that you know you are not responsible for your father's feelings and responses to your changing role and making decisions that are best and right for you.

Keep up the good work you are doing to break this unhealthy cycle and the kind self talk as you speak back truth to the shaming lies and messages that are coming to you as you continue to fight for balance and understanding and grapple with what is actually a childish (though very hurtful) silent treatment you are receiving from your father.

Reclaiming our life and setting boundaries for me became a real battle of my thoughts and reworking how I think about myself and others and what I allow myself to dwell on and believe. We do not have to go toward someone who is refusing to speak to us. And yes, it is rejection and it really hurts and I just am so sorry you are experiencing this.

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Whitesheep45

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Re: Father issues continued....
« Reply #4 on: November 24, 2019, 06:10:48 PM »
Thanks bloomie
I just feel I can't keep up the charade that I've played in that family anymore.
So much of my silence has been because of fear and now I seem to be finding strength I've never had before.
My truth-- to speak in to them face to face  but to do it is for ME not for them for ME.

Sick of the shame, the pretence, the not expressing my feelings, the false interactions..
I've served my time and now want to let myself out of jail. Whatever way I look at my situation it's going to have pain.. But I want to stand up for the women I am today and not crawl around for subservient scraps.
It's almost like I want to say my piece and then just walk away saying I don't blame but this is my truth...