A Pre Holiday Reminder!

[Psuedonym]

Hi everybody!

I know that here in the US, Thanksgiving is right around the corner and Christmas is coming up for all of us, meaning more guilt for everybody! Here are two exceptional things I read recently that might help you, as they helped remind me, as to why NC might be the best thing you ever do/did for your mental health:

http://parenting.exposed/the-covert-narcissistic-parent/

A quote: The agenda of covert narcissism is to wear down the victim's boundaries, and to infiltrate their psyche with self-doubt, and extreme anxiety. Insecurity works itself deep inside of the mind of the victim, suffocating their sense of self with the words and phrases of the toxic parent, a deeply embedded inner critic that never stops criticising them, vilifying them, and reminding them of how bad, angry, terrible and abusive they are. Their sense of self is no more, and they are left open to extreme manipulation from other manipulative people who take advantage of the toxic virus of self-doubt that has infiltrated the target's mind. This submission to the covert narcissist's twisted, all over the place reality is where deep, prolonged damage is done.



and one from the great Richard Grannon: https://richardgrannon.tumblr.com/post/143001319728/covert-narcissist-mother-vs-daughter (the video is disabled, which is probably a good thing)

A quote:

On one side of the argument with the narcissistic personality disordered is an adult human being trying to use language to establish the truth and to move forward and FAILING.
On the other side is a pouting infant trapped in an adult body using language to play a game. They treat arguments like tennis, just bang the ball back at the opponent and its a "win". So they are WINNING.
You want to know why therapists loathe working with Cluster B?
You want to know why every professional out there advises NO CONTACT first and foremost?
Because of this, what you see in the video.
They distort truth, they warp reality and they corrupt the very medium by which truth and trust is established: communication.
How many times can someone flat out lie to your face before language itself ceases to be a reliable means of communication?
Contact = communication = crazy making times for all.
I know "no contact" is not an option for everyone, but my point here is to say that you should see contact as being a kind of exposure to toxins and you must LIMIT your exposure as far as is humanly possible.

Stay strong everybody, and remember, you aren't the crazy one.

[Ariel]

Thanks Psuedonym for the reminder. This is my first holiday season no contact.( But I will send a very generic card, some guilt left) . I was feeling sad yesterday that my Thanksgiving celebration would be small, no extended family. My son, daughter and husband will be with me . But I realized that I didn't want to be with my extended family, I wanted another one, a loving one. So trying to change my attitude and being grateful for my family, my children bring me so much joy. Working on decorating the house and dinner. Still grieving the foo I didn't have, the loving mom I didn't have. So sorry she poisoned my foo. So yes I will not spend the holiday with my family of origin . I will miss my neices and nephews. But I will not have anxiety, stress and will not be hurt.  I will tank God for giving me my husband and children. I will pray for everyone here to have peace

[Serendipity12]

 
Thank you both, for the timely thoughts that are so relevant and reassuring. My third Christmas no contact and I can honestly say it has become easier with the passing of time.  We deserve to be with people who see us and value us, not pds who would use us as stage props for the festive season. All the very best to the thoughtful and courageous people here. Heartfelt thanks. 🤗

[DreamingofQuiet]

WOW. Thank you so much for this, especially that first paragraph. I am trying to be NC with my family this year during the holidays, and I am pretty scared. My inner critic is having a field day. I feel so abusive to them doing what I'm doing. Like a monster.

But, after this latest episode with my unBPD mother, I feel like I have to do it. I can't, as someone else said, be a "prop" this year. And that's exactly what I feel like when I'm with my FOO. I still love them, but I always feel terrible after pretty much any contact with them. I blame myself for that. But I'm pushing forward with this NC experiment. Best of luck to all of you in making it thru the season.

-DoQ-

[Ariel]

Dreaming of quiet, I am reading 'Will I ever be good enough", you need to read this. You are not a monster and don't feel guilty, although we do. Realize that guilt is not unfounded. You would not tell your best friend to be with an abusive partner on the holidays. Our families don't get a free pass either. Do not feel guilty for taking care and loving yourself. I wish your family did. I left after an episode where I was just like if I take any more there will be e nothing left of me. So love yourself, you I hope you have a friend or family to be with if not I will pray and be here for you. I don't know if you are religious but faith helps me . Hugs to you

[Ariel]

Meant to say realize that your guilt us unfounded. So sorry

[Morocha2015]

Thanks for this encouraging post! I went NC during the holiday season last year, so this is my first year starting the season NC. I'm celebrating Thanksgiving with a family from our church, and the wife's father is NPD, so they were grateful to have an excuse not to spend it with him. I'm so excited for our Friendsgiving! God gives and takes away, and I feel like He's taken a painful burden and replaced with a whole new family of friendships. They're not blood related but they love me much better than my foo!

[NotLost]

Thanks for this holiday help. Third Christmas N/C and I recently saw a photo of Nmom w/full blown dementia, setting off the trigger of rumination and guilt. Needing to remember I've got everything I need right here in front of me and turn off the covert recording in my head.

Wishing all of you, who've helped me immensely, a very Merry Christmas and healing New Year where we all resolve to put our own and Foc's mental and emotional health first. Every one of us is deserving of that