Addressing my PD Mom

Desperateliving · November 25, 2019, 03:22:49 AM

Okay, so I've been really in my head today and started thinking about my mother's behavior. I tried as gently as I could to explain to her about how I feel. I said "did your mom seem to display empathy for every person except you?" That's how I feel. My mom is always poor thing this, I feel so bad for that person that but when it comes to what I'm feeling or going through she seems to have no empathy whatsoever. Does she have no empathy or do I remind her of her uncomfortable emotions? Or is her feigned empathy just a show for others? Is it really that I'm that insignificant to her or am I overanalyzing the behavior of someone who will never change or love me for who I am?
I've made myself really sad today.

SunnyMeadow · November 25, 2019, 09:44:37 AM

I'm sorry you're sad. It's a terribly sad situation to have a parent like this. For years and years I've struggled with having a mom who only cares about herself. Even when I thought she was my biggest champion and closest confidant, she was only in it for the narc supply. Wouldn't you think a mother always has her child's best interests at heart? I did but my mom didn't and it was a huge slap in the face.

I've learned it isn't worth it to point out anything to my mom. She acts how she acts and she won't be changing. She certainly won't be changing because I pointed anything out to her. If she behaves badly to me, I stop talking to her. This way I don't have confrontation with her because I expect her to change. As much as I'd love for her to be a sweet, caring mother it isn't going to happen. So now I don't care enough about her anymore to bother pointing out her crappy behavior and hope it changes. I tell her she is hurtful, then block. It's worked so far.

My advice is to live your life as separately as you can. Let her live just the way she's been doing it. Don't give her that much space in your head. Find people who really do have your best interest at heart.

Desperateliving · November 25, 2019, 12:26:50 PM

Quote from: SunnyMeadow on November 25, 2019, 09:44:37 AM
Even when I thought she was my biggest champion and closest confidant, she was only in it for the narc supply.

My mom too. Everytime I'd confide in her she'd just tell others and use it against me.

Hazy111 · November 25, 2019, 12:30:32 PM

My uBPD waif mom. Lots of compassion for those not in the family.

athene1399 · November 26, 2019, 08:39:23 AM

QuoteMy mom is always poor thing this, I feel so bad for that person that but when it comes to what I'm feeling or going through she seems to have no empathy whatsoever.

Yes. And it's so weird. She can empathize with others, but if I talk about something that bothers me then I am reacting wrong or worried about the wrong thing. uPDM wouldn't treat an animal the way she treats me.

NumbLotus · November 26, 2019, 10:46:23 AM

My H also marvelled about his BPD-ish father's empathy split. His father had outpourings of empathy for his children when they were small (scrapes and beestings were handled with tender love and care). He could cry watching a movie. If he saw a lost dog or a crying kid, he'd want to help.

And he could beat his wife into the hospital. And when his kids reached a certain age, he'd discard them. All interpersonal conflicts were everyone else's fault and they were all out to get him.

Imho I think he (maybe not others, just soeaking of this one man) sincerely had empathy (as opposed to a NPD act). The difference was solely on whether it had anything to do with him. A movie wasn't about him, so he could cry. A child was no threat to him, and he could identify with them and his traumatic childhood memories, so he could feel for them. But his family was a threat to him because normal comflict of living (people have comflicting needs and need to work it out) plus an entitlement (you are family so you should be helping me - I'm in pain, why aren't you helping?) turn the empathy OFF.

I think it uses a normal suvi al mechanism but the disorder falsely detects a survival issue when there is none. For example, I have empathy and would never try to commit bodily injury. But if you are threatening serious injury to me, my empathy turns off and now I can hurt you.

So for BPDs and such, they have empathy but it's turned off by a false perception of grave threat. And of course it's soecificalky loved ines who pose the gravest threats to them.

Hazy111 · November 26, 2019, 10:55:57 AM

NumbLotus, its because they use primitive defences when they are triggered. They "split" and "project."

athene1399 · November 26, 2019, 11:10:21 AM

NumbLotus, that is an interesting observation. I've never thought of it that way.

i think part of it with my mom is gramma gave her a hard time but liked me. i think that always bothered her, so mom gives me a hard time. Doesn't make it right. It just is. Maybe I am a perceived threat in that way.

capybara · December 10, 2019, 02:07:08 PM

I think NumbLotus is right that if it is about the pwPD, then it is threatening and their empathy turns off.

With my uPD-ish mom, I think there are a couple of components: (a) she is the ultimate nurturing, healing, giving mother, so her children's pain can't be real and must be dismissed; (b) my mom is successful, which means that life is fair, so the suffering of others is deserved; and (c) the usual PD issues with conflict and blaming.

My mom can be empathetic if she has decided the person is deserving and the cause of the suffering is out of their control (e.g. a war injury). Otherwise, it is generally their own fault. With my kids she can be sympathetic at times, but especially if the problem can be blamed on me. She has a really unpleasant competitive thing with me about my kids.