At what point can I say no?

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Associate of Daniel

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At what point can I say no?
« on: November 25, 2019, 09:30:33 AM »
So.

UNPD exH is refusing to arrange visits between his parents and ds12 (their grandson).

He's requesting that I tell him when I arrange visits with his parents so that he can take steps to keep ds safe. Doesn't say what those steps look like.

Refuses to be content with me staying for the duration of the visits.

The only methods I can think of that he might use to "keep ds safe" are:


1.  have his uNPD wife there. (Not happening. Where I have an option to keep her away from ds, I'll take it. Also the ex inlaws aren't on speaking terms with her, so they'll probably say no.)

2.  Professional supervision.  Not nice for anyone.

At what point can I back away and say "not my problem. Sort it out yourselves."

I have a very confused, frustrated and sad ds who desperately wants a relationship with his paternal grandparents.  For the 1st 10 years of his life he saw them often.  They babysat him, had family meals together, went camping etc..

Ds hasn't witnessed anything of what his uNPD father is accusing his parents of.

Ds will be 13 in a week.

AOD

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Penny Lane

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Re: At what point can I say no?
« Reply #1 on: November 25, 2019, 03:33:01 PM »
Are you wanting to say no like you're not going to facilitate visits? Or no like you're not going to give your ex notice?

For the record either way I think you can say no, now. He's not your boss, it's not your place to mediate his family drama, just do the best thing for your son on your time and he can do what he will on his time.

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hhaw

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Re: At what point can I say no?
« Reply #2 on: November 25, 2019, 06:10:52 PM »
I'm of a mind today to say.....
screw it. 

Your ex doesn't have control or the right to control what you do with your son on your visitation schedule.

"Proper supervision", should it even be necessary, can certainly be YOU there during the visit.  What possible reason would exPD offer for that NOT being enough?

There's all kinds of supervision, and in this case I'd say you're the one figuring that out until the PD proves abuse/harm etc.

He'll have a difficult time doing that since he allowed solo contact for ds with his parents UNTIL your  MIL stepped out of line, and was kind to you.

How will your exPD explain that?  He won't have ds telling his bs lies to a Judge, bc the contact was appropriate, warm, loving and deeply healthy as far as I read.

That kind of history with Grandparents is what wins them Grandparent rights in a courtroom. 

I'd side with ds, and I'd know sidestepping that isn't going to control the PD, or make him behave or appropriate or anything else in the best interest of my son.

I'd do what I DO have control over, and know that's all I can do.... then I'd give up expectations, and outcome, and get on with enjoying my life, my son, and whatever lovelhy relationship I could forge with my ex ILs who sound like very nice people to me. 

You'll do whatever's right for you and your son, AOD.

Trust yourself, and remember to breathe nice and deep.   Your son isn't in danger.  He's just fine.  You guys are going to be OK. 

Good luck,
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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athene1399

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Re: At what point can I say no?
« Reply #3 on: November 26, 2019, 10:03:54 AM »
Quote
"Proper supervision", should it even be necessary, can certainly be YOU there during the visit.  What possible reason would exPD offer for that NOT being enough
I agree. If you are there and are not seeing any of the bad things PDex is claiming happens, and it isn't going on while DS is there, then there isn't a problem. And if you really want to cover your butt, ask the grandparents if you can record the visit just in case. I mean, you can't argue a video. Especially if you have DS saying he's not witnessed anything abusive. I also agree you can argue that he's been fine all these years allowing visits.

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: At what point can I say no?
« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2019, 09:00:35 AM »
Thanks, everyone.

The ex parents in law are lying low for a while in order to keep ds free from his uNPD father's (their son's) instability.

And ds is back to trying to keep his uNPD father happy so is saying not to arrange any more visits.

So I guess I don't really  have to arrange anything at present.

I just want to find a way for ds to see his paternal grandparents without the drama.

I'm not sure that ot's possible.

I'll talk to the counsellor about it in a couple of weeks. Hopefully she can shed light on what uNPD means about arranging for ds to be safe.

Oh. And the reason uNPD exH doesn't want me there?  I guess it's because I'm untrustworthy, don't you know?

 :roll:

AOD