Strange week in the hood!

[Pepin]

I'm not sure what is happening this week with my neighbors.  To date, I have been neutral and a good neighbor.  I made a mess once by accident having some work done on the house and I apologized and offered to make amends to that neighbor....and they have been difficult for the last few years with me.  The strain has been huge and I have gone out of my way to keep quiet and to myself while ensuring that our home and yard are clean and presentable. 

All of a sudden this neighbor though is being nice because they wanted my permission to do something regarding some landscaping we share.  I didn't see a problem and felt it was an improvement.  I behaved myself and replied appropriately and with kindness....even though this neighbor has caused a sh*t ton of grief to our family.  So far, so good...but it feels weird.  Who knows, maybe they finally are turning a corner.

On the other hand, now I am feeling ignored by 2 other neighbors.  Was pulling out of my driveway yesterday and waited for one neighbor to pull into their driveway before I pulled out and she didn't even wave to me!  My car was at the end of the driveway part way into the road and I was looking right at her!  Odd. 

Also, I messaged another neighbor the other day and no reply!  She drove by me today and slowed down because I had my dog and when I waved she didn't wave back!  OMG.  I have been nothing but kind to her and her family...though my DH can be jabber jaw in her presence.

My other next door neighbor has been cold with me over the last year or so and I can't figure it out.  When we first met I was pleased that she was my new neighbor.  We have teens the same age and we both have dogs --- have some similarities more or less.  Nice match.  Good conversation.  And then even since we had them over for dinner in the summer a couple of years ago it was like a scratch in the record.  I just don't know.  We used to text often and now she only texts to complain about stuff and it is not friendly.  Some complaints were even directed at me and I had no hand in any of it.

I don't know how to deal with this all of a sudden nor do I know how to approach the 3 that are suddenly unavailable to me.  The neighbor that is being nice...I'm going to just continue to be Reeeeeeal neutral because I'm scared of her.

[countrygirl]

Hi Pepin,

I am sorry that you're having these issues with your neighbors.  I will pass along something a friend said to me recently:  "Most of the time, I've realized that when people treat me oddly, it has to do with them, not me."  I am sure you have been a good and friendly neighbor, and whether your neighbors are capable of responding in kind has to do with them and whatever is going on in their lives.  All you can do is to continue on as you've been doing.  This way, you will know that you're doing the right thing, even if they're not. 

I know I sound like an old fogey, but I don't think many people have good manners now.  Most likely, it doesn't even register with your neighbors that they are treating you badly. 

Your other option would be to ask them what is going on, but I don't recommend that, because they won't like having their actions questioned.  I would just chalk it up to weirdness and rudeness. 

By the way, I also have a neighbor who can really turn on the charm when she wants something, but I can see right through her, as you do your neighbor who needed your permission to proceed with the landscaping project.

Although it is nice to have friendly neighbors, yours just aren't, at least not now.  So try to concentrate on your friends.   

[DreamingofQuiet]

I totally agree with Country girl.

Are you hypervigilant? As I was reading your post, I was thinking about myself and how I'm always on alert around people, looking for signs that they are unhappy or angry and then worrying that it's because of me. I chalk it up to being raised by an emotionally volatile PD parent.

It's really hard to let go of the habit and embrace the idea that I learned in recovery that "what other people think of me is none of my business." It feels like my safety depends on me knowing what someone else is thinking and why because at one point it kind of did. If I'm way off base, feel free to say so. I just thought I'd share that this is an issue for me and I suspect many of us here just in case it resonates for you and thus might be helpful.

It sounds like you yourself are an excellent neighbor, and these other folks are losing out by not recognizing that and acting in kind. But as Country girl said, who knows what any of them are going through. Preoccupation with worries and troubles can make people behave quite rudely. Doesn't excuse it, it's just how some folks behave at times.

Big hugs to you. Focus on yourself, your FOC, and do whatever things help you feel grounded and safe in the world.

DoQ