uncomfortable vengeful emotions after cutting out a toxic friend..

[bookbutterfly]

I had a friend for many years who looking back, is a very covert narcissist type. She regularly employs silent treatment and 'death stares' and passive aggressive emotions and snide comments to undermine people around her. She is VERY into looks, money, status and intelligence. She lies whenever she thinks she can fob anyone off. She has confided in me before that she knows 'the best way to get someone to question their sanity is to ignore them' and that she plays on the psychology of men if she wants it to turn into a relationship. If her sister or anyone else in her life was upset or displaying emotion, she ices them out 'until they come back and be rational'.

I stayed with her for many years as growing up, I was taught to always blame myself if something someone did upsets me. That's long gone. and so is my friend.

I'm remembering more and more things about her which I'd always just ignored. How easy it was for her to lie. How she gaslights people if they remind her of something she is ashamed of.
For example, we went on holiday once to Italy. She had a boyfriend at the time who she resented because he would want her to text to let him know we arrived safely and she 'didn't it owe to anyone to do anything'. How she got drunk with another guy and disappeared from the club we were in, leaving me searching frantically before arriving back at the hotel to find out he was staying there. How she let him out early in the morning and said to me 'oh we just had a hug and he left'. As if she thinks I am that stupid.

I hate gaslighting more than anything. We were part of an ex-religious support society, where people would talk about what it is was like to leave behind the religions they grew up. We were talking about the time we had made that decision. She said she had 'never believed' and I was confused, because I had distinctly remembered a time in Egypt, when I was telling her about the conundrums I felt with my family's faith and she was telling me about the masters programme she had applied for. How she had decided to 'leave it in the hands of a higher power' and I had told her that sounded like a nice way to look at it, and it would take the pressure off. I mentioned this to her and she got riled up and stated that WASN'T true, she was never stupid enough to believe in a higher power, and that that never happened. I started doubting my memory. But it WAS true because why would I just make something up like this?!

Or how she used to have staunch, anti-men and anti-marriage sentiments and her pinterest boards reflected this. I told her once, during my post-break up slum, that her pinterest boards were cheering me up. Her head jerked forwards and she exclaimed 'i haven't got any!' and this time, I could actually show her instead of doubt my own reality, so I did. Turns out, she had found a rich, kind, generous boyfriend and now believed in happy ever after. She went running to delete every single pinterest board.

The worst was when she dumped a boyfriend because he confided in her he had been abused as a child. She said 'uni is not a time for me to be dealing with this when I should be having fun'. I felt horrific when she described his abuse as 'hassle' and laughed that she wanted to have fun right now, this especially hurt as I had been similarly abused as a child. Many years later, I found out she had, too.

Our friendship eventually ended because I could no longer hide my emotions during a breakdown, and she heavily disapproved of this. I went to hospital as I was anxious and suicidal, and she just went home. Her boyfriend posted me a box of wine bottles from a fancy store to cheer me up and she texted to say 'just to emphasise, they're not from me at all'. I knew then that she would never have any room for me unless I was just doing what I always did, agreed to her version of reality, talk bad about people in our friendship group she disapproved of and agree with her tactics of purposely isolating them from group events and never questioning her on any form of accountability, ever. The times I didn't do that, her disapproval was highlighted via....silence and exclusion.
I pulled her up on it and she claimed I was 'overreacting'. This infuriates me - being told the confines of my OWN emotions and interpretations, instead of deciding for myself.

Anyway....she has been out of my life for a while now and whilst initially I felt relief, I've since been through feeling depressed and extremely angry. Her boyfriend is so kind and empathetic and I find myself getting angry indignant thoughts like: why is it that these selfish people latch onto empathetic people all the time and seem to get their happy ever after? She literally puts on a complete show in front of him! I was gobsmacked when I saw them together and the act she puts on: she dumbs herself down, puts on a victim-like voice and almost...infantilizes herself. This is NOT the girl she is - this is a girl who went with rich men who had girlfriends because 'its not her problem if they're attached' and went on holidays to dubai with rich men and knows exactly what she is doing.

Before I deleted her from social media, I saw he had bought her a very big, expensive engagement ring and proposed on a beautiful island.
This now annoys me so much. I'm scared I feel like this because I have never before had an issue with feeling bitter towards other people's happiness and worry I am turning jealous or envious. But I just really despair at the fact that horrible people who use and manipulate others get happy ever afters. That they find kind caring people who provide them with such a nice life and are more than happy to meet their emotional needs whereas if the shoe was on the other foot, they would not do the same unless they could get something out of it. She has won over his friends and family buy buying them expensive gifts and baking them decadent cakes after initially, his friends expressed concerns that they 'simply couldn't talk to her'. I've seen her make her usual snide, repeated sarcastic comments which are passed off as 'jokes' - which makes it so hard with coverts - they are just not OBVIOUS about it. But this isn't just fun 'sarcasm'. For example, one day her boyfriend was helping with cooking a complicated dish and was proud of himself for learning as it was a new skill for him. She smirked and said '...you learnt a new skill, what - obeying instructions?'. His face looked downcast for a second before he tried to fake a laugh to shrug it off. But when you have spent time with someone like this long enough...the snide comments are more than that. They're not just fun, harmless jokes.

I just don't understand it. And I hate these overwhelming feelings/desires of wanting....something to happen to her to show her how much it hurts to be thrown aside when you are not deemed worthy, and for something to burst that self-absorbed bubble she lives in. Will these feelngs go away? I am not a vengeful type and this is not what I'm used to, I'm already dealing with feelings like this towards my FOO amongst other issues and its so overwhelming...I miss the me who felt and thought that happiness is an amazing thing to be celebrated now I have these dark and yes, resentful thoughts.

[NumbLotus]

Wow, that is a lot.

She's not getting any happily-ever-after. She does not know what happiness is, or being centered, peaceful, trusting, intimate. She only knows winning, which is something she has to keep fighting for, always on her toes, lest she slip even a little bit and lose.

[clara]

   Appearances aren't always reality.  Certain types of PD are really good at presenting themselves a certain way, which requires a lot of manipulation and control of others to keep the presentation going.  Having a PD isn't a won and done.  It's a lifelong condition that will continue to express itself no matter who they're involved with, no matter their circumstances.  Unless they actively seek out change (and it seems most of them don't) they'll behave the same no matter what.  A good relationship today will be, for them, a bad relationship tomorrow.  The disorder controls what they do, all of the time.  They can't take a break from it because it's who they are. 

Envy and jealousy are things they often feel, especially NPDs, so they can work to turn those feelings back on you, which is what your former friend has done.  Even though she's no longer in your life, she's still manipulating your feelings.  She would be thrilled to learn how you feel about her.  It would make her feel powerful and strong, and would encourage her to redouble her efforts.  Don't give her that power.

[cookiecat]

Bookbutterfly, I can't really add anything but I know EXACTLY how you feel.  My ex-friend was exactly the same.  The horrible things she said about people behind their backs and then acted like besties.  I would never rat her out, in fact I'm pretty sure anything negative she says about people, she tells them others said it.  She's just a really rotten person and it makes me angry that she "seems" to be getting the "happily after after" when I know for a fact she is only with her boyfriend for what he provides financially.  And I too, really dislike being a person who wishes ill will on others.  That was never me and I don't want it to be me now, but....grrrrr.  I just don't dwell on it though.  Sometimes something will trigger a memory and then I will feel that way, but it subsides.  And Clara is correct, it's just giving them more power, which is what they would love.   But I feel you gurl