Barely above water

[hawkinspolyester]

I am my mother's pseudo-guardian.  I said I was going to file paperwork about a year ago to substitute myself in place of my Aunt, but I can't bring myself to do it.

Me in a nutshell: I'm under 30 with a husband and preteen son.  My dad died when I was 16, my sister is a year younger and has no interest in helping, my Granma (Dad's mom) has dementia and no surviving kids. Oh, and I decided a year and a half ago to start my own business.   I've been in therapy for about six months.  It's helped me, just not in actually dealing with my mother.

My mom always been irritating, but it's at a point I can no longer handle now.  She lives in a residential facility about 2 hours from me.  It's not the best, at all, but it's what her check will afford since she only has Medicare.  She can't live on her own because she would probably unintentionally burn the place down or turn it into the absolutely disgusting situation I grew up in.  She calls/texts me daily asking for money, asking for cigarettes, telling me how I need to get a lawyer to sue the CIA, I need to call [Insert any man's name] to help me with ________ because I can't do it myself, etc. I am literally at a point I never want to see or speak to her again. 

I guess I'm looking for advice, or solidarity, on how to cope with her in a way that helps BOTH of us.  I truly think that not speaking to her is the best option for myself, but how do I do that when she has no one else?  Opinions, comments, solidarity?

[WomanInterrupted]

Welcome to the forums, Hawkins! 

I'm so sorry you're going through all this, but there IS a way out of Hell.   

I post quite often in the Elderly PD Parents section.  I'm the POA for unNPD Ray, who thought he was so clever and smart that he actually got himself declared in competent and put in a memory care unit.     I've been NC for nearly 4 years. 

How I managed that was NOT getting him a phone - his MCU doesn't allow them, but you can't tell Ray a damned thing! - and speaking to the social worker on site several times - and using Medium Chill on her. 

Medium Chill is found in the Toolbox and is great at helping you get out of circular conversations like:  "Where is Ray's off button!?  Can't you DO something about this!?  He's driving us all crazy!" 

Gosh, that's something.  I don't think Ray has an off button - you have to distract him, and other than that, I really don't know what to tell you, but trust you'll figure out something.  If he talks to me, or sees me, your  staff isn't SAFE.  He'll start acting out and lashing out, because I'm his biggest TRIGGER. 

THAT worked - they medicated Ray, and later on decided he's probably been psychotic most of his adult life, based on what I told them.   

I only did the POA thing because I'm an only child and there were assets to shelter - "Saul" the Eldercare Attorney did a great job, and even did the Medicaid application FOR me.  (Medicaid is a beast you do NOT want to tussle with!) 

Pseudonym, another board member, also talked the social worker at her mom's facility and had GREAT luck - the Social Worker knew about PDs and was able to get her mom to be somewhat compliant (I think), while Pseudonym went NC, after a particularly nasty outburst from her mom.

So...if you want quiet, and possibly want NC - which it sounds like you may - the FIRST thing I'd do is call the social worker at the facility and tell her you're blocking your mom's number, and will no longer be sending anything for her - including money, clothes, toiletries, and especially cigarettes, which are MUI expensivo!

Believe me - the social worker has heard IT  ALL, and if you tell her you are your mom's biggest TRIGGER to act out/crazy, she'll understand! 

And she'll probably mention getting your mom clothes and toiletries from deceased residents.

This kind of thing happens a lot more than you'd think.   

Not everybody has living relatives to send extras or visit - and people like us are so blessed we want nothing to do with them - nor SHOULD we bear that responsibility.   

You can also mention to the social worker that you actually have NO legal authority when it comes to your mom and your AUNT is taking care of all her bills and making all the decisions - or will be, now that you're bowing out of the picture.

You may wind up speaking to the billing office about anything monetary, and getting the "care of" in your aunt's name, but hopefully, you'll be able to take care of everything with one or two phone calls.

When it comes to your aunt - what kind of relationship do you have with her??  Does she have a PD?  Fleas?  Is she nice and normal, and doesn't understand why her sister is like this?  Do you get along with her, or was it a battle to get her to be the responsible party?

Your relationship with her determines what you do next:  If you get on well, call her and tell her you're not the POA and don't want to be, so it's up to your aunt to talk care of all the legal/billing stuff.

If she doesn't want to, or is tired of it, advise her to call the nursing home and ask that they appoint a guardian for your mother - which they will.  THAT person will make all the financial and medical decisions, as well as handle the bills. 

Your aunt may have to show up in court briefly, or she may be able to sign something - advise her to retain a lawyer, and tell her stuff like this is done all the time.

If you *don't* have a great relationship with your aunt, I'd just text her and say SHE is now responsible as POA for your mom.  You didn't sign the papers, and won't have anything to do with either of them again - then block your aunt's number.

And then I'd block anybody I thought was going to turn into a Flying Messenger Monkey.

If you have a shitty and adversarial relationship with her, don't even text - just block her, and let her figure it out when the bills start coming to her house. 

All you have to do is make a couple of phone calls, and block at least one number, and your life is YOURS again!   

It's not that difficult and you're not "ratting out" your mom by talking to the social worker and telling her you can't do this anymore.  You just can't talk to your mom or reason with her, and it's taking a toll on you, your life - and mental health.

Nobody wants to live waiting for the day somebody is finally going to croak before they get some damned peace and quiet.   Your life is YOURS and you are not beholden to your mom in any way.

If you're afraid you're going to freeze on the phone, make notes to read from - or a script, if you want one.  Anything that makes you comfortable and helps you wash your hands of your mom. 

Trust me - you're not the first, and you won't be  the last.   

You've GOT this - and we've got you!   

[goofycrumble]

Total solidarity and understanding, I know how you feel