My PDw's need to replace one thing for another.

[Samuel S.]

The more my PDw is studying acupuncture, the windows of opportunity of connecting with others and traveling are rapidly increasing. She feels rather happy about all of this. At the same time, she is writing a PhD. thesis about grief. As a matter of fact, she did a lot of research about how children grieve, and she told me she had to stop, because it was too hard for her to read on account of her own grief of her older daughter 20 years ago.

This is the same woman who told me that she was excited for a change in careers, although she emphasized that she would devote much more time to our relationship after her PhD. thesis and studies. Well, as you can see, these words ring hollow. Also, other words from her mouth in the past have been very abusive and manipulative.

While I understand her desire to make a career change which is very typical, she is just replacing one commitment to another. She is also just replacing me for something else. Sure, she went to a movie with me a couple of weeks ago, the first time in many a year. She hasn't seen her side of the family for the last year, even though they live less than an hour away from where we live.

Does anyone else deal with being replaced while still being in a relationship?

[Samuel S.]

While my PDw has been replacing one thing for another, a couple of interesting developments have been taking place. First, one of her previous focuses was Aikido which she devoted a lot of time. Then, she had some sort of personal conflict with someone there. So, she stopped it. A couple of days ago, she came across another Aikido person who encouraged her to return, but she was non-commital due to acupuncture studies. So, this is rather common of her to do.

Secondly, for the last several days, my PDw has been especially nice to me. It was my birthday, and I am now 75. She gave me some presents. We got together with her side of the family for Thanksgiving. She was especially concerned about salt intake and also didn't want me to be out in the cold. She even thanked me for driving her and her sister to meet the rest of the family. Bottom line, she was gracious.

All of this in direct conflict with her previous abusive, manipulative comments. I don't know if she is realizing that I am older, but I do exercise 3 to 4 times a week, and I do my best to eat and drink healthier stuff, but not always.

So, like all of us dealing with PDs, they are definitely very confusing, and it is frankly hard to believe them, if they are truly being authentic or not.

[GentleSoul]

Makes my head spin when uPDH goes from poor, hard done by, dying, suffering old man to being pleasant!

[NumbLotus]

I wonder if the stuff specifically related to trying and then abandoning interests is a borderline trait. My understanding is that goes with the territory of having no identity. So they try identities on, and when they don't create miracles, they try something else.

[GentleSoul]

I wonder if the stuff specifically related to trying and then abandoning interests is a borderline trait. My understanding is that goes with the territory of having no identity. So they try identities on, and when they don't create miracles, they try something else.

I think this is spot on.

They search for an identity which will make them feel happy and whole,  It is then discarded as it never works as they don't make the inner changes of outlook, attitude, perspective etc

[1footouttadefog]

It's about brain chemistry cycles.

[capybara]

That's an interesting observation. BPDH used to harshly criticize a relative for switching from one interest to another every few months. He didn't do that exactly - I think his depression made it hard to really start new things - but he would buy things for a new interest and then never do the stuff. Then on to something else.

[Stillirise]

Ah yes, I picture it as the hamster wheel that changes colors as it spins, but never stops.  One new interest after another, so many incomplete projects, so much money invested, and working to the point that there’s little time to enjoy any of it, anyway.

UPDh has been having some moments of clarity recently. He even mentioned the possibility that he takes on so many projects and interests because sitting still makes him anxious.  Not that it changes anything.  A short time later, he mentioned taking up one of DS’s recent interests.  He seemed less interested in doing something in common with DS, and more excited about something new and fun for himself.

Samuel, a short note about the gracious treatment you mentioned.  I hate that I have become such a pessimist about this.  IME with uPDh, this has been used as a set-up to use against me later. Either I wasn’t appreciative enough, or I show too much vulnerability, which is then used to attack a perceived weakness.  I hope that doesn’t ring true for you!

[losingmyself]

That's a very interesting take on it!  It fits very well, and I'm going to watch that pattern. He has so many unfinished projects that he has spent so much money on. Much of the time he'll just but the parts, and that's it.  Then tell me that I never finish anything