I see FOG....NC dilema

[Free2Bme]

So....I'm just beginning to deal w/ FOO in T, particularly my M.  Although she doesn't display some of the malignant traits I read about on this forum, she definitely has something going on .........probably more than I realize = FOG.  M has dementia among other health issues.  I believe her dementia is a comorbidity, and not the sole cause of her dysfunctional behavior.

I have been VVVLC for ~3 years (her choice).  My M and her toxic H sided with my uPDxh after I ended my 20 year marriage, they would not acknowledge he was an abuser (covert).      My uPDxh has appointed my M and SO as co-presidents of his flying monkey club.    

M and her SO have SG me (encouraged by my updxh),  and also withdrew any/all support from me and kids (she'll send bday presents for kids).  The last 3.5 years, M and SO keep up with my ex; phone calls, get togethers, even vacationing together with him and my children (during his visitation).     However, I am here struggling as a single mom and live 45 min away from her, but just crickets here.  Really painful.

M says she wants a 'relationship' with my children (14-21).  Translated:   visit them occasionally, her terms, and without me there , she avoids being held accountable and wants to maintain 'victim status';  because Free2Bme is a 'big meanie' for confronting her behaviors and for divorcing uPDxh.   

I get heat from 2 of my older kids sometimes because they want me to reconcile with her, uPDxh stirs this fire. So, everyone comes to me to clean up other people's messes, and it is hard for me to let go of trying to 'fix' things, but it takes two to reconcile. 

My T advises that I frame my relationship with my mom to my kids as separate from theirs, and if they (kido's) want to pursue a relationship with her then that is their prerogative.  Still, they look to me to take initiative and make everything like pre-divorce. 

My options:
1-  be the 'bad guy' who doesn't fix things with M and remain NC. 
Pro- I avoid pain, conflict.     
Con- She is not in good health, I may regret if I stay NC.
Con- 2 of my four kids will possibly resent me.
2- pay a huge emotional/mental pricetag attempting to reconnect with them, and try to find a rug big enough to sweep decades of crap under in order to be a peace-faker.

I know many of you deal with much more severe parent issues, but it is so painful for me to have my mom favor my ex while throwing me under the bus.  I wish I could just not care, I just worry about how my kids will view me.
I need to unpack my mom issues, but right now I just want to get through the holidays.
Sorry this is so wordy.
Any thoughts?

[Adrianna]

Wow honestly I'm floored that your mom is siding with your ex. I assume he had a pd as well? You said covert abuser, possible covert narc I assume. If so that could make more sense. They can stick together and exclude non pd people who don't play along with their antics.  I'm sorry your kids don't see the dysfunction here. You have every right to your own life apart from that. I think you know that trying to force a relationship with her because she's old doesn't work. In fact, pd behavior gets worse with age.

I agree with therapist that your kids can have relationships with her but if you don't want to, that's your right. I would calmly explain to your kids that it's in your best interest to keep things as they are with your mother, for your own well-being, however you support them in their lives and relationships.

[Spring Butterfly]

Really tough situation. That said, it would serve your young ones to individuate, to learn you're not in charge of their decisions and life, their relationships and choices, a positive spin, a learning and growing experience, to learn they are separate from you, get to make they own choices with or without your express nod of approval.

This life lesson is a good one to learn, it's about good and healthy boundaries, a way to take this uncomfortable situation and teach them something if real and lasting value. They do not need you take initiative any more than you take initiative in helping them make friends at school (or work in the case of the older ones).