FOO Dismiss My Every Achievement As Luck!

[KeepONKeepingON]

Hi Everyone,

Has anyone experienced this with their FOO?

Everything that I have achieved in my career, according to my FOO, is down to luck!  Obviously, that's not the case, as I have worked very hard in my profession, to get my current role.

They have also told me, especially enfather, that I am sooo LUCKY, that DH married me.  DH is great, and I am lucky that we met, but I am a good person too! That is ignored and FOO's narrative is that considering how awful I am, it is a miracle that someone ACTUALLY married me and that someone as nice as DH married me!   

I get why FOO do this, they invalidate me and see me as the never good enough scapegoat. I am LC some of FOC and NC with others. I can no longer tolerate this constant stream of negativity towards me.

Has anyone else experienced the, "You are soooo LUCKY" narrative that discredits your achievements and hard work?

How did you deal with it?

[athene1399]

I don't get the "you are so lucky", but they do brush off things that I am proud of like they are nothing. I feel like they are accomplishments, but my FOO tells me they are not. I combat this by not telling them anything I am proud of or anything I have accomplished. I keep things superficial and just talk about stuff I don't care about. That way they can't make me feel like crap.

By the way, congrats on your achievements! Getting ahead in any career takes hard work. And I am glad you have a  great DH. It is not a miracle that you are together. It's  because you are a good person and you found someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

[argh]

Oh I get even better - all my achievements are because of my mother! There is no way that I would have achieved what I've achieved if I didn't go to the school that she sent me to that she sacrificed so much for (spoiler alert - she didn't sacrifice anything....)

If its not something that even she could claim responsibility for then yes its either luck or just ignored.

It is a horrible horrible feeling.

[StayWithMe]

How did you deal with it?

I stopped talking about anything  about myself with my parents.  It's always I'm fine; You know the usual ......

It will be a lot of fun when they learn about your achievements from other people, sources. 

In any case, stop telling your parents about your achievements because they are having fun right now invalidating you.

[GettingOOTF]

My family think that I have everything I do because people feel sorry for me. I work for a top firm in a highly competitive and cut throat industry. My father would repeatedly tell me that I only had my job there and got promotions because they felt sorry for me and they knew no one else would ever hire me.  This is a view shared by my FOO and expressed about all areas of my life.

It took me a long time to see that my family is never happy for anyone's success, ever. It took me longer to see that my father never achieved any real level of success and he has a lot of self worth issues around that. He deals with them by constantly belittling other's achievements. My sisters and I were taught never to try for anything, not to get ideas above our station.

For a while I stopped mentioning anything that could be seen as "success" in their eyes - which would be things like going out to dinner or buying something new. Now I'm NC.

I've been reading a lot about how how other people treat you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how they see themselves. I'm starting to understand and identify this behavior. It's been very freeing and I do see it as true in all the situations I've identified it in.  I personally feel that a lot of us here were conditioned by our FOO to believe deeply that we are less than and that all the negative things people think about us are true, and it's hard to break from that mindset. I'm starting to see how I was pushed down as a child as I showed things that threatened my family system, like curiosity, empathy, playfulness, intelligence.  This continued into adulthood through the dismissing of all of my achievements.

I found that the only way to deal with this was not to give them any fuel.

[Spring Butterfly]

Not exactly but similar. ALL I achieved was due to the genius I inherited from uPDm and not only did she say that to me but she shared that precious little gem with our mutual friends.

[TwentyTwenty]

"I aree! And you know what else I've noticed about it, mom? The harder I work, the luckier I get!" 

Well, that's what I used to say, before going NC.

[Happypants]

KeepOnKeepingOn - I could have written your post myself on both counts.

When i graduated with a degree, both my mother and "best friend" said that I only managed it because the subject was something i was interested in  My FOO haven't necessarily put achievement down to luck, but there is a mixture of indifference and, certainly in the past, a deeply ingrained (well-trained) fear on my part of doing anything well enough to be accused of becoming "cocky".

With regards to how lucky you are to have your DH - this is inferred regularly, and my father in particular makes all the comments and gestures that reinforce my place in any get together, whilst my other half is made to feel like a part of the club or inner circle to which i dont belong, merely by being me.  Predicting this and recognising it can go a long way to removing yourself emotionally to these dysfunctional dynamics when they get going (incidentally, it now doesn't happen to me as much as before, perhaps because i'm not reacting or they maybe dont see me as the easy target that i used to be, who knows  ).

As mentioned above, keeping information to a minimum gives them very little to work with.  But in addition, it's really important to make your resilience to these comments an inside job.  Your FOO may never stop doing what they're doing, and as mentioned above, it says more about how they feel about themselves than you actually doing anything wrong.  It's tempting to want to deal with it either by getting back at them or by finding a way to stop letting them get to you - the only way to achieve either (or both  ) is to carry on achieving and trying to make yourself happy by controlling the things that you CAN control (ie not them).

As an aside, could your DH perhaps mention to them in passing how lucky HE is to have you?

[scapegoat/caregiver]

I have experienced this. 
I finally stopped telling them anything about what I do as far as work or achievements.
it got to a point when...I swear...they hated.... me for my accomplishments. I know this sounds harsh but I believe they were
so jealous that it went into hate. 
my therapist explains it like
"if you were on a baseball team.....they are on the opposing team against you..... basically... they do not have your best interest at heart"
I asked my NM why does Ndad get angry when I make a good investment and work hard to get ahead.?
her answer   "Oh well....he just likes to look like the BiG SHOT" 
I think they act like this because you are a threat to their EGO 

[AD]

It took me a long time to see that my family is never happy for anyone's success, ever. It took me longer to see that my father never achieved any real level of success and he has a lot of self worth issues around that. He deals with them by constantly belittling other's achievements. My sisters and I were taught never to try for anything, not to get ideas above our station.

This. My parents are indifferent to any success/achievements I or my sibling have. I also feel like the message growing up was to just be passive and not to aim for anything.

[Grace4]

Ugh that's so frustrating!! I can definitely relate. My parents say that it's their prayers that have helped me be successful in my small business like hard work has nothing to do with it. It's like they want to take credit for any success. Or that it's their prayers that allowed me to meet my wonderful husband. Shoot my very existence on this earth is bc they prayed for me, they had difficulty having children. I like you was the scapegoat of the family and so anything they think is "good" in my life is bc they prayed for it. I'm not sure how to deal with it bc it can be triggering. Just know you're not alone and it's not you it's them!

[jojosmile]

I thought it was just me. The more you learn about these ppl, the more predictable you realize they all are.
I'm watching my sister go from a golden child to a narc and it's sad but there's little I can do about it.
I was telling her about my cute new job and she asks me, could I get such a job in any city, or did I just get lucky, being who I am, living where I live?
I thought it was the strangest question.
I remember telling her, I'm sure I could get it anywhere... if I wanted to? And I remember how frustrated she looked when I said that.
I thought she wanted to know if she could try a job like that too. Which makes no sense as her job is prestigious and mine is not.
Then I thought she wanted me to get the same job closer to her. It makes more sense.
Looking back, the truth is that she wanted me to tell her that I got lucky.
She knows better than to degrade me, but if she couldn't do it, she wished I would do it to myself.
Yucky.

Pardon my ignorance but what is FOO and DH?

[KeepONKeepingON]

Hey JoJosmile, FOO is family of origin and and DH is dear husband. Sorry you have to deal with your sister, it's sad when your family can't be happy for you.

With regards to how lucky you are to have your DH - this is inferred regularly, and my father in particular makes all the comments and gestures that reinforce my place in any get together, whilst my other half is made to feel like a part of the club or inner circle to which i dont belong, merely by being me.  Predicting this and recognising it can go a long way to removing yourself emotionally to these dysfunctional dynamics when they get going (incidentally, it now doesn't happen to me as much as before, perhaps because i'm not reacting or they maybe dont see me as the easy target that i used to be, who knows  ).

As mentioned above, keeping information to a minimum gives them very little to work with.  But in addition, it's really important to make your resilience to these comments an inside job.  Your FOO may never stop doing what they're doing, and as mentioned above, it says more about how they feel about themselves than you actually doing anything wrong.  It's tempting to want to deal with it either by getting back at them or by finding a way to stop letting them get to you - the only way to achieve either (or both  ) is to carry on achieving and trying to make yourself happy by controlling the things that you CAN control (ie not them).

As an aside, could your DH perhaps mention to them in passing how lucky HE is to have you?

I've been reading a lot about how how other people treat you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how they see themselves. I'm starting to understand and identify this behavior. It's been very freeing and I do see it as true in all the situations I've identified it in.  I personally feel that a lot of us here were conditioned by our FOO to believe deeply that we are less than and that all the negative things people think about us are true, and it's hard to break from that mindset. I'm starting to see how I was pushed down as a child as I showed things that threatened my family system, like curiosity, empathy, playfulness, intelligence.  This continued into adulthood through the dismissing of all of my achievements.

I found that the only way to deal with this was not to give them any fuel.

I have been trying to impress Lost Child brother and Flying Monkey Aunt with my achievements and I know that I need to stop and tell them as little as possible. I guess that I have been looking for positive affirmation.

Before BPD mother ghosted me, she used to tell me that I had gotten into my profession/ first job because she had brought us all on her very un-child friendly holidays. These holidays were all about BPD mother's interests.

Thanks for your replies, everyone. This situation sucks, it's getting to me a bit more at the moment for different reasons. Enfather has cancer and has maybe 18 months, at most to live. He is on a lot of medication, so I can't hold him responsible for what he says and he is a lot milder now and seems nicer than usual. However, I have been trying to visit him regularly and I even find his presence triggering, if I am tired.  I need  to visit him, when I feel emotionally able to cope.

I think that I am starting to realise that he is going to die and that's it, that's all our relationship was and it will never change. 

Sorry about your situations everyone - this is a really painful place to be in!

[Oscen]

Ha, your conversation with your father about your lovely husband sounds suspiciously similar to one I had with my father about my lovely boyfriend - now fiancé.

He pointed out how nice my partner was and implied that I might hurt him, so should be careful. I said yes he is nice, but I'm nice too. In fact, I'm lovely, don't you know? Did not go down well. Was a wake-up call. The better my life gets, the more they try to push me down. Am vvvvvvvv LC now.

It's like there's a special book about how to be an emotionally abusive prat that they all read. Takes a long time to see through the act, but once you do, you can't unsee it.

[p123]

Oh Jeez and  I thought my SIL was the most spiteful and jealous person in the world....

She'd have a massive mood EVERY time she found out where we were going on holidays every year. Because we could afford it and she couldn't.
Both myself and my wife were brought up on council estates (social housing in the US?) went to poor schools. I was even a single parent family (my dad) But we both went to school, got qualified and worked hard. Her sister got ZERO qualifications in school because she couldn't be bothered, got married young, started popping out the kids.

I used to be friends with here on facebook. I used to put the odd comment, nothing really, like picture of me standing on train station at 7am when it was snowing etc.

Then one year, she just burst out that I should be ashamed of how I'm always moaning about everything and I'm lucky to earn as much as  I do (not that she had any idea she was guessing). Click - unfriended on facebook within minutes.

These days even my wife, her own sister, has worked her out and they don't speak.

I could never understand. Surely you'd be pleased for your own family and be glad they're doing well, not be jealous of them? Its not as if I'm taking money off her.